Is It Me or Is It Dark In Here?

Last night while watching  Intervention  for some reason a deep depression started to lurk in my brain, started to itch in my heart; which in turned led to major drinking thoughts.  I’ve actually been able to feel the depression kind of slinking its way into my mind for a couple of days.  Something just hasn’t felt right.  I didn’t drink though, don’t really feel comfortable with drinking at this point.  Why?  I don’t know, it just feels unsafe and causes major panic attacks.  I ac’tually have had a drink since July 8th and well I didn’t even like it, I just couldn’t enjoy drinking for some werid reason but then again I haven’t enjoyed drinking for some time now.  I can’t promise that tomorrow I’ll be sober or even tonight, just that right now, right this minute I don’t want a drink, I don’t want to feel the panic or anxiety, I don’t want to feel defeated once again.  I’m hoping that one day I can feel somewhat like a normal person and can go day to day and not fear that at some point a black abyss is washing over me, or a neurotic piece of my brain is in control.  I think I’m too sensitive for this world, I think my outer skin is too thin and I think that my ‘bubble’ is probably harming me more than keep me safe.  I don’t know what I want or need at this time.  I need to pace.  I need to decompose.

On another front, I received a call last night from a company that does telemarketing from home.  I was able to do my phone interview and I have to call back tomorrow to set up the next portion of the interview process.  So I’m hoping to have a job soon.  I guess we shall see.

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A Little Bit of This & That

Last nights interventions on A&E’s tv show Intervention must have been reruns because they just seemed too easy, not that these two interventions were easier on the families but the addicts/alcoholic just seemed too ready to go, they both said yes without any fuss.  Thank gosh right?!  To this date I have never had an intervention, one reason is probably getting my family together would be like pulling your toe nails out.  I guess my intervention was a couple of years ago when my husband came to me while I was in the middle of major morning withdrawal and couldn’t get out of bed so couldn’t get my daughter on the school bus nor make the kids breakfast, he came to me and said “My parents are going to be here in 9 hours, call blanketyblank hospital and find out what their procedure is and if they don’t keep you for more than 6 hours, call another hospital.”  He’d had enough and asserted control which is what I needed, I would’ve died soon if he didn’t, we both know that.  And let me add here that that was one of the most embarressing evenings of my life, not because of the hospital and the withdrawals but because my inlaws now knew and saw how bad it was.  UGH!

Anyway, my daughter is coming home this afternoon and I am so excited that I can hardly contain myself.  ~insert cheesey grin smiley here~  So I don’t have much time, I need to get the house guest friendly which is next to impossible around here but I atleast have to give it a go.

Oh ya one more thought, my medication runs out Thursday and I just found out yesterday my hubby spent the last of the funds to pay his cellphone bill and he’s not getting a check this week sooooooooooooo  it’s like a horrible nightmare.  You ever seen that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray?  I sware my life seems like that sometimes where not having medication is playing over and over in my life.  It’s like the same damn horrible day keeps happening over and over again.  I have to figure something out, I just do not want to go back to where I was at 2 months ago, I just can not live that way.

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Intervention, Brett’s Story

On Monday nights I watch Intervention, it’s the only show I watch religiously and it’s the only show I watch that comes on at the perfect hour. It’s a show that has stopped me from drinking, many times. Last nights episode was especially strong, heart touching, and thought provoking. It was an episode about a wonderful man named Brett, he was an alcoholic. His intervention was tough and heart wrenching. He fought every one on going to get help, everyone including his kids. I’ve never watched an Intervention episode where the kids played such a huge and helpful role in the actual intervention. His son literally held tight to his father and begged him to just listen, to hust get help and wouldn’t let go until he was just too exhausted to hold on to him any longer. And still Brett chose not to listen to anyone including his daughter, he chose to be angry and walk away, walk all the way home where he was met by everyone again. See they made it there before him, went in and emptied the shot gun he had there. They once again tried their hardest to just get him to say yes he’d go but he faught them tooth and nail and the only way they were able to get him to go wasn’t by taking everything away from him but to threatening locking him up and psychological testing. He went. He got sober. He didn’t get a chance to finish treatment, he had to go home to be with is family and get cancer treatments because all the years of drinking caused him to get cancer of the esophogus. Brett died at home with 105 days sober and the respect of his children. He made it to his sons basketball game which wasn’t something he could do while drinking and the show ended with his son telling about how, “I almost made a basket. I was this close.” and showing with his fingers how close.

One important aspect about last nights episode is that it showed us that an alcoholic doesn’t have to be the ‘on the corner begging for change, sleeping in the gutter’ type of person or a celebrity that can buy their way into addiction. This man was a successful husband, father, and successful in his community (at one time). His rock bottom was essentially death, not losing his job or family, place to live; although he had lost those things, it still wasn’t enough to make him want to not drink. We don’t always end up homeless, begging for our next drink; more often than not we end up close to death or dead. Brett was clean cut, his home was clean, and he still had a drivers license, he had only just recently lost his job, lost his marriage and was beginning to lose everyone else in his life. But still his rock bottom was death. We can only guess, since he died whether or not he would’ve kept up with recovery. He was so stubborn, he knew everything and he had alcoholism so ingrained in his mind, heart, and soul so deep that he really believed he could ‘stop this thing’ when he ‘chose to’, he just hadn’t chose to yet.

You know when I went to detox a little over 2 years ago, there were all kinds of people there. There was a musician, a journalist, a successful woman that held a very high paying job with an airline, a homeless man, a gentleman in his late 70’s, and a stay at home mom. Just a quick note…obviously I’m the mom. Alcoholism and addiction knows no boundaries, age, sex, religion, success or money, it just knows how to kill us. Thankfully Brett knew sobriety while he died, thankfully he had a loving family just like I do, thankfully his family shared his story with all of us. I can not imagine how many thousands of people didn’t drink or use last night because of Brett. Thank you Brett for sharing such an intimate place in your life. And thank you Brett’s family for helping so many by sharing Brett with us. I am still choked up over this episode and think I will be for a very long time. I do not want a drink today.

This link is to the full episode of Brett’s intervention, please watch it, learn, and pass it on. Hundreds of thousands of people suffer from alcoholism and addiction, maybe getting Brett’s story passed on might save some of them. He has helped save me for today.

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