It’s Friday & I’m The Most Frustrated I’ve Ever Been

Howdy.  My post is quite late, I know. I’ve been trying all week to get my supposed Psychiatrist (whom I have yet to even meet) to fill my prescriptions.  Finally today right before the pharmacy closed, I was able to get them to call them in.  It should not take almost two weeks to get this done.  And now Monday I have to start intensive outpatient treatment for substance abuse, I have no clue what this entails because no one will answer my questions.  I’m just told “If you don’t do it then you don’t see the doctor or get your meds, so it doesn’t matter what it entails.”  Hell I haven’t even met my doctor yet!!!!  Yup, this is the public mental health help that is available in my state.  Quite honestly I’m almost to the point that I may just pay out-of-pocket to see a doctor and get actual help.  I’m sick of being talked down to and feeling degraded just because I have a mental health issue and am alcoholic.  It took a lot for me not to scream into the phone “FUCK YOU!” at the woman today, it took a whole damn lot.

I’m the most frustrated I’ve ever been.

 

It’s Friday & Yeah…Well…That Was a Waste of Time

So yeah…the supposed doctors appointment turned out to be an appointment for an outpatient program for substance abuse and only if I go to the program will I receive the much-needed psychiatric care that I was promised by the hospital.  I have absolutely no clue what the hell just happened but I know I walked in there hopeful but walked out feeling defeated, worthless, feeling like a waste of space.  The woman whom I had to deal with for my ‘intake’ (I know!  Whoa there, intake???) was the most unpersonable person I have ever had to deal with, she’s definitely working in the wrong field of employment for her personality.

So yeah…there wasn’t even a psychiatrist there to prescribe my medications.  So now I’m down to four days left of medications and have no clue what to do.  I’ve been brainstorming since 1 pm and have come up with nothing except maybe the ER might give me a prescription but I think they’ll just commit me to the same hospital I just got out of last week.

I’m confused and tired.

Now I ask you, what would a 20-year-old person do if they were in my situation and felt unstable, that their mental health wasn’t okay as is and then something like this happens???  I ask this to make a point, that it’s never been just about guns, video games or movies.  It’s about no one out there helping, no one giving a crap.  It’s about feeling desperate in your situation and just needing someone to turn to.

The mental health care system in the United States needs help badly, hell almost more than I do.  Now THAT’S ironic.

I Feel Defeated

It’s 5:22 am here and as you can see I’m not sleeping.  Why am I not sleeping?  Because I haven’t slept well in 3 nights.  Why haven’t I slept well?  Probably because I’m hypomanic which means in about a day or even later today I’ll be full blown manic.  Here’s an infographic:

I rarely ever hit that middle mark and that’s pretty much what I’m striving for at this point.  I believe I’ve either been hypomanic or moderately depressed for sometime.  To hit full-blown severe mania puts me into panic like no other so I don’t enjoy it like most people with Bipolar Disorder and well severe depression…puts me into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts and actions. Both cause me to self-medicate if not on a mood stabilizer prescribed by a doctor.  My problem is I can’t find a mood stabilizer that the doctors are prescribing to work for more than a week. When I first was diagnosed, I had found my miracle cocktail right off the bat but it seems to me as I get older and my hormones shift, it’s not going to be as easy any longer.  At least I have an appointment this Friday and I can say that we need to tweak the medication; hopefully I won’t be full-blown manic by then, I don’t have much faith in that though because I know my body and I know what it’s telling me.

I don’t believe I’ll ever feel the wonderfulness of the middle.  I feel defeated.

 

It’s Friday & It’s All About the Moolah

Monster = Bipolar Disorder
Money = I have no more, now. 

Went to see the shrink today and I now have no more money.  Why because not only did she charge me for my usual appointment fee but she also decided she had to charge me for the 9 minute conversation we had on the phone last week.  Yeah, that was conversation where she decided Risperdone was what I needed that almost landed me in a psych ward.  Total cost today, not including a new prescription to yet another med that will probably cause me hell, was close to 500 hundred dollars.  Ummmm….I’m in awe about this and a little pissy.  Seriously.

Anyway, she started me on Tegretol.  Which I’ve taken before.  I had walked up in there with my old bottles of everything that I was on before I stopped taking it because I couldn’t afford medication.  Now I understand why I can’t afford medication because I have to pay the damn doctor to get the medication!  Why she won’t prescribe all 4 of the medications that worked in the past for me is totally beyond me.  “Well you seem to have a sensitive system and I don’t want to overload it.”  But I was on all of these before????

I literally paid someone 500 hundred dollars for a prescription that cost me 4 bucks.  I feel like I’m getting scammed here.

I mean seriously scammed.

It’s depressing.

It makes me anxiety ridden.

It gives me a headache.  Oh wait that might be from the Tegretol or Trazodone.  Nope I’m pretty sure it’s from my now almost empty bank account.

And doctors wonder why people with mental conditions self medicate. Sigh.

My Dad’s Not Speaking to Me

 

Understandable?  No.

See here’s the deal, he wants me to call my brother in Alabama.  You know the brother who decided his addiction was too powerful to stay away from the same people and places that got him shot, almost took his life off this planet.

A quote from the investigator in charge of the case:

“He’s lucky to be alive.”

The deal was: he goes back, I’ve got nothing to say to him and I’m sticking to it.

So now the one person in my life that I look up to, love whole heartily, is my hero;  isn’t speaking with me.  My Dad could die any day, not speaking with me.

This whole situation is just stupid, just like the addiction my brother is going through.  Just stupid.