I’ll Be Honest ~ Keep It Simple Saturday

I’m having issues with sobriety, not that any of you would have any reason to think other than that.

I’ll also be honest and say, I’m a good person.  I hate alcoholism.  I hate addiction. I hate watching everyone go through it, including loved ones that have to deal with people like myself.

Honestly, people like myself die from their addictions.  It’s a fact.  I have to deal with that on a daily basis but yet I don’t do anything about it.  I will die of active alcoholism.

You know what I want?  I don’t want to cure MY alcoholism or mental illness, I want to touch someone else enough to help them stay sober or alive.  To be honest, that’s all I want in life.

Just to help one person to stay alive…

I am Helpless!

 

I throw my hands up in the air.  I am helpless.  My name is Countess Bats and I am an alcoholic.and I have a mental disorder called Bipolar.  I gave up my program many months ago,  I gave up two different programs many months ago, hell…maybe even three!

Look…if you are here seeking sobriety, wisdom, or sanity…leave now because I don’t have any of those.  I lost them when I relapsed.  That’s the normal for me;  I am the Countess of Relapse.

I am completely Helpless and I can guarantee that I will lose everything because of alcohol and Bipolar Disorder.  I can guarantee that unless I seek help, unless I want help…I will lose everything.

Look…if you have Googled alcoholism and/or bipolar disorder then maybe you need to think about yourself ; or the loved one you opened Google for.

Where do I send you to? AA or WFS.  Please go.

 

Bipolarized Alcoholics Live Too

It’s been a hard week for this woman.  I don’t normally place my personal life about my children out there but the purpose of this blog post is to show you that while it seems my life revolves around alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder, it doesn’t but it sort of does.  Those are just two things in my life that I deal with but they are two things I deal with on a day-to-day basis.  What my world revolves around are my children, they are my heart and soul.  They pick me up when I’m too low to even care about myself anymore.  They are the reason why my heart beats 100 times too fast sometimes.  They are the reason why I can laugh too loud all of the time.

On July 7th at 7 am my youngest turned 7.  You would think that would be pretty darn lucky for the kid.  I took him to the beach for the day because all he wanted for his birthday was to swim in the ocean; well that and Pokemon cards.  On the 9th he started 2nd grade.  On the 10th he woke up sick as hell and his health has been dramatically going down hill since then.  He’s been to the doctors 3 times in this week.  Sunday night I called the doctor and let him know that look this kid is sick, we need to figure this out now, NOW damn it.  Not to mention we are one’s that don’t have health insurance, this has been incredibly costly.  Did you know the FDA made a decision that doctors can no longer give out free samples of medication?  For me that’s detrimental.  Just to pay to walk into a doctor’s office is incredibly costly but medication is even more costly, if you want the right medication.

Anyway, we spent the day yesterday at the doctor’s office and hospital.  Even in the course of all this drama and sickness, my son made every last person he met yesterday laugh and smile.  That’s just the type of person he is and I hope that for his whole life he stays that way.  I say this often and I’ll say it to you all too; I want to be like my son when I grow up.

Example:  the nurse is explaining to him why and how she’s going to take his blood, he’s never had his blood drawn before.

“How big is the needle?” he says.

“I’m going to use a baby needle on you, will that be okay with you?”

“Sure, but just to let you know dude, I may scream.” (Yes he called her dude, I wonder where he gets that from. 🙂 )

This nurse busted out laughing and said she appreciated his honesty.

Anyway after all of the testing the doctor phones me and lets me know I need to come back into his office and discuss the testing.  Sigh…I was sure he would just phone in a really expensive antibiotic since the one he is on now obviously isn’t working.  It turns out he has a lower respiratory infection that is viral and since he’s been pretty much healthy his whole life, literally I can not remember the last time he even had the common cold, his body is having a problem fighting it off.  I also learned that to have a viral infection in your lungs is one of the most dangerous infections for our body.  Think about it for a second, it’s trying to destroy this little boys lungs, this care free, hilarious little boy of only 7 has gone from not even having to think about breathing to struggling to do it.  So he’s on breathing treatments for right now and Tylenol for the fever and we head back into the doctors in two days.  If there is no progress with the breathing treatments, we’ll discuss hospitalization.

Uh…

So that’s where my mind is at, so that’s what I am doing, so that’s why I am a freak right now.

Now to the purpose of my post.

If I was drunk, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with this.  I wouldn’t have cared to even make any decisions or phone calls about this.  Much less be able to afford anything; which I can’t but I think you know what I mean.

Sometimes it’s good to be sober.

I’m Paralyzed

And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery.  I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long.  I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel.  I am so alone.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know how to feel.  I just really want to die.  I just really want…someone to care.  At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry.  I used to be so strong and I lost that.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?

I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out.  Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again?  Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right?  I don’t know.  I just know I hurt.

My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic.  I am trying so hard to stay alive.