Alcoholism & BiPolar Disorder; This is What It is to Me

First off I found out earlier that I became the Guru of Dracula’s Guest…okay somehow along the way that became cool as shit to me.  And for some reason I am not able to embed my tweet sooo…

That was awkward because I hate saying I’m not able to do something with this computer since I have been able to do it before. Okay for some reason that pisses me off…sooo…

Bipolar Disorder  is that stupid; just THAT stupid.  It takes you from 0-60 in a blink of an eye.  Yeah pretty much I get to ride my emotions like I’m riding a pod racer from Star Wars.

Yeah well alcoholism is even more idiotic.  It’s insane, neurotic, and just plain black.


An alcoholic can actually look you in the eye and say they haven’t been drinking; they seriously think you believe them as you walk away.  They seriously think that each and every time they say that to you, that you believe it.

An alcoholic can think about nothing else in life but alcohol and justify that in their mind.

An alcoholic can hate everything around them and everything about them to the point of isolation.

An alcoholic can make themselves live in a way that others think that alcoholic believes they are better than the world.

An alcoholic makes them self  feel as though a tornado has blown through their life everyday.

An alcoholic has an ability to steal civilization from their selves day in and day out.

Alcoholism is no joke.  Not at all.  Seriously I confess…I want to beg every person out there right now that can’t, literally, can’t live without alcohol…to please seek help.  Look up your AA chapter in your area or if you are a woman; please contact WFS, they can help point you in the right direction.

10 Things To Do Before You Decide To Pick Up A Drink

Sometimes when a urge to drink comes on, it can be powerful and demand all of your attention.  It can threaten the peace that you hold close to your heart and mind but that’s okay because there are some things you can do to overcome the urge and not give into it, you can through it sober.  Lists can help because as the urge comes on, you don’t have to pace to figure out what to do; just check the list and follow the directions.  Here are 10 things I do BEFORE I pick up a drink and give into the urge.

10.  Walk.  Seriously exercise gets your adrenaline going and with that comes excitement to not feel depressed, which is what alcohol brings into our minds.  You’ll feel great to be doing good for your body.  If you don’t enjoy walking as much as I, then ride a bike,rollerblade, skateboard, run, jog, jumping jacks, ect…just get moving to get your mind set on excitement and adrenaline.

9.  Take a shower.  Not only will you feel rejuvenated by the steam, you also are taking precious minutes off the lifetime of the urge which means you are yet closer to making it to the other end of it sober.

8.  Brush your teeth and I’m not talking a quick brushing but a good 5 minute cleansing.  I know you’re beginning to think I have done gone batshit crazy but seriously hear me out here.  After I brush my teeth, I don’t want to place anything into my mouth and that helps get me through the urge and that’s the whole point of it.  *This also helps with the urge to smoke, just in case there are any trying to quit smokers reading this.*

7.  Pet your pet, brush your pet.  This one’s enormous for me, the unconditional love and attention our pets give us, can bring a tear to my eye.  I have a dog, a very old dog but I have to tell you she’s been there for me more times than I can count on both my hands and feet.  When I pet her and I am in an emotional state, she knows it and somehow she makes me feel wanted, loved, and cared for.  Now if you don’t have a pet, then this one won’t do you any good however why can’t you do the same for your self?  Brush your own hair, clip your fingernails, shave, ect…care for yourself.

6.  Play a computer game.  I don’t normally condone computer games because I feel they are a true waste of time but for this topic, somtimes a waste of time is a huge help.  If you are going to play one, try one that helps keep your mind moving along, scrabble is always a good choice.

5.  Speaking of computers, try this one; research the trip of your lifetime.  Find out where you want to go, how much it costs to get there, don’t forget to research restraunants, coffee shops, hotels, and visual excitement.  This could take hours, even days but trust me when I say it can be fun and lets you know what you need to accomplish financially to get to your dream vacation.  Even if you will never go, it helps you keep your eye on how much money you will waste on alcohol.

4.  What’s your hobby?  Besides drinking.  Do you like to make bracelets?  Have you ever tried screen printing?  Painting?  Drawing?  Pottery?  How about signing up for a free class at a local hobby store?  Now would be a great time to try something new and fullfilling.  Writing possibly???

These last three are ones that I turn to almost everyday whether I have any urges or not.  They help fill me with pleasure and being sober should be about feeling pleasure and at peace with ones self, feel good in your own skin.

3.  Look in the mirror and repeat after me atleast 5 times, even if you don’t believe it, trust me sooner or later you will believe it:

I have a life threatening disease, that once had me. I am what I think; a confident, caring, compassionate, competent human being.

Think the drink all the way through. How are you going to feel physically and emotionally after the alcohol is completely gone? Do you really want to go back to blackouts, ER rooms, withdrawals?

2. Pull out your recovery material. If you have none, get some or contact me and I can point you in the right direction. By recovery material, it can be books, material you’ve printed out on your pc, journals you’ve written, blogs and websites you read, music that you feel is a positive reinforcement to your sobriety. Again if you don’t have anything, then now would be a great time to start putting it together.

1. Reach out and contact someone. I know this one seems absolutely impossible but trust me once again when I say, it works. Call someone, email someone, blog yourself through it, contact AA, Women For Sobriety, or any other organization that can help talk you through why giving into this urge will be one of the worst mistakes of your life. There is tremendous amount of help out there but it will only work if you reach out to it, it won’t come to you.


~This post will be a trigger.  If for any reason you are not feeling confident in your sobriety or are feeling your bipolar disorder out of whack, please do not read until you are feeling 100% and are confident you are 100%~

There are no pictures in this post.  There is no breaking up the words because they mean a lifetime, they mean innocence lost, they mean too much to fill them with silly pictures you find on the internet.  No, this post doesn’t belong with flowers or cute pictures of cats with hats on.  There are no pictures that could be in place of these words.

The number 12 has been an issue with me since well I was 12 years old; it marked an incredibly damaging year in my life so yes a huge defining year that just got worst year after year until I was about 17.  At 17 I moved out of my parents home and that was yet another defining moment but not as defining as the years before.

At the age of 12 I felt, and went through a lifetime of pain and depression.  It bombarded me for so long, for many years and I still feel that year in my body, it was so costly to my being and soul; it will most definitely stay with me for the rest of my life no matter how I try to push past it. 

Lets start with I was 12 when I first smoked pot, which btw I need to put this out there; I do not care about whether someone smokes it or not and I say lets fucking legalize the plants already.  Anyway, I started to smoke pot and started my alcohol career.  I had sips before but no actual alcoholic drinking, when I turned 12…it all started.  At 12 you’re suppose to be thinking about which boy is the cutest and writing little blurbs on your flute case, Bats Loves ???  But not this 12-year-old.

I got off my school bus early and went to a friend’s house and for about an hour, friends started showing up and the ‘fun’ began when all of us had arrived.  Grain alcohol, was my first real drunk.  BTW I suck in the game of quarters, and that’s what we played.  Grain alcohol and fruit punch.  I never bothered to think or ask, where did you come up with the alcohol, no I didn’t care.  From my first cup I felt the supposed glorious buzz, I felt real, I felt like people weren’t judging me, my clothes,  or my thoughts.  I felt comfortable.  Maybe if I hadn’t felt so comfortable, I wouldn’t have kept going for so many years but who knows?  For me to drink, was to be.  No I didn’t get the after effects, how or why I, don’t know.  Well yes I do, I’m an alcoholic and have been since that very day and maybe before that but I haven’t figured out yet whether or not genetics played a part in my drinking career.

From there the defining year really took my heart and ripped it apart. 

I was 12 when my brother started molesting me.  I knew how wrong it was but still didn’t tell until I was locked up at the age of 15.   I stopped looking in the mirror because of it, I no longer saw a simple, childlike face; I only saw an old withered witch.  My self-image was ripped apart just like my innocence and heart. 

I was 12 when my mother said to me, “Bats, don’t tell your father but I think I love this man.  Our secret, okay?”  I didn’t tell my father until I was locked up at 15.  My mother’s manic depression had progress into craziness and this was the first time she handed me a knife and told me what she wanted me to do.  She wanted me to kill my father but she thought he wouldn’t die, she just wanted me to stab him.  “Don’t worry sweetie, you won’t get in trouble.”  I didn’t do it, I couldn’t.  I didn’t understand that she was manic, I didn’t understand she was crazy, and I certainly didn’t understand why she picked me out of us three kids to torture and hate so much.  I didn’t want the secret and I didn’t want the job of seeking her acceptance.  She would tempt me to do any of her evil biddings with cigarettes. 

Oh and I was 12 years old when I started smoking cigarettes.

I was 12 years old when my mother was diagnosed not only with manic depression/split personality but also with cancer.  To see her in the hospital so weak, so timid, so scared just didn’t seem right.  I secretly wished upon any star that she would be dead when I woke up every morning.

 I was 12 years old when my life overtook me.  I was 12 years old and felt like I had lived so many years.