Last night while watching Intervention for some reason a deep depression started to lurk in my brain, started to itch in my heart; which in turned led to major drinking thoughts. I’ve actually been able to feel the depression kind of slinking its way into my mind for a couple of days. Something just hasn’t felt right. I didn’t drink though, don’t really feel comfortable with drinking at this point. Why? I don’t know, it just feels unsafe and causes major panic attacks. I ac’tually have had a drink since July 8th and well I didn’t even like it, I just couldn’t enjoy drinking for some werid reason but then again I haven’t enjoyed drinking for some time now. I can’t promise that tomorrow I’ll be sober or even tonight, just that right now, right this minute I don’t want a drink, I don’t want to feel the panic or anxiety, I don’t want to feel defeated once again. I’m hoping that one day I can feel somewhat like a normal person and can go day to day and not fear that at some point a black abyss is washing over me, or a neurotic piece of my brain is in control. I think I’m too sensitive for this world, I think my outer skin is too thin and I think that my ‘bubble’ is probably harming me more than keep me safe. I don’t know what I want or need at this time. I need to pace. I need to decompose.
On another front, I received a call last night from a company that does telemarketing from home. I was able to do my phone interview and I have to call back tomorrow to set up the next portion of the interview process. So I’m hoping to have a job soon. I guess we shall see.