Oh jeesh Plinky and WordPress this one’s easy. I couldn’t and I mean couldn’t live without my computer. I know some of you thought I would say my Kindle but nope it’s my PC. I blog on it for cripes sake. I need my computer. For someone who suffers so deeply with anxiety and panic, it’s my gateway to the outside world. I’ve enjoyed so many interesting people through their blogs, twitter and facebook on my computer. I bank on my computer. I write on my computer. I listen to music and watch videos on my computer. I attend AA meetings on my computer. I research with my computer. My computer is a must, it’s something that is definitely a must and I probably take it for granted way too much. I wish it worked better and I wish they weren’t obsolete every six months but definitely something I wouldn’t want to live without for very long.
Okay, so I guess it’s actually my computer and the internet.
Ahhhhh Friday. Most people favor this day. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. For me it’s the busiest day for work and I know that since the weekend is here that I have to pace and figure out how to spend my time. Most weekends that’s easy and alcohol doesn’t bring a thought to mind but when I’m like this…in the midst of being either manic or low, obviously haven’t figured out which one yet…rapid cycling, being the ping pong ball instead of the paddle…then I have issues with figuring out the weekend, figuring out what is healthy, figuring out the even balance between having addictive traits to something or just going with the flow and enjoying myself.
Well this Friday I say Boo-ya! and I’m going to not stress because I KNOW that I’m going to NOT drink. That’s what it all boils down to that I’m scared shitless that I’m going to screw this whole sobriety/happiness thing up.
I grew up around Washington DC. The one big thing I remember about it is the feeling of comfort, safety, and awe. I know, I know, Washington DC and safety just don’t seem like they mix but I can tell you that when I was little some *cough cough* 30 years ago, I felt safe, I knew that my neighbors were looking out for me. I knew that if I had an emergency, someone was there to help. I felt FREE.
When I was around the age of 2, my Grandmother babysat me while my Dad worked; lets just say that her babysitting was basically her getting stumbling around drunk while I amused myself. One day I decided I wasn’t going to just play inside, I wanted out and to walk around, jump, skip, cross the street. I ended up down the road at a neighbors house so I could play with their dogs, cats and snakes. They knew my situation, let me play, fed me and when my Dad returned home brought me back; safely. They looked out for me, looked out for my Dad, and for that I know my Dad has always been eternally grateful; as am I.
Where I live now even in my 30’s; I don’t feel safe, I don’t trust any of my neighbors and know that everyone around me is looking out for themselves not for others. I miss the comfort, safety, and awe of my hometown of Washington DC.
I often think to my self, “Bats, imagine what you could do if you had confidence in yourself?” I mean seriously if I had confidence and not the liquid kind, I would be so much more than what I am now. I hold myself back in every way possible because I lack just confidence in myself.
One of my top fears is public speaking. I’m actually terrified to the point of hiding in a bathroom or closet because of it. Seriously. I need to take a business course at a local college but I’m currently postponing signing up for it because I know that they will make me do Power Point presentations and I have nightmares about it and work myself up into a frenzy (panic) that I just can not speak up in front of a group of people, no matter how small. I know, I know, I’m being stupid, I’m being ridiculous, I’m being scared little kid about this. I’m letting my fear run and ruin my life. If I take this course it could mean I make more money, it could mean I get more out of what I guess is consider my career but yet I just can not overcome this….fear, this….confidence problem. But yet I HAVE to take this course, sober.
Do you have a fear that you feel is ruining your life? Are you trying to overcome it? How ? Or how will you try to overcome it?