I’ll Be Honest ~ Keep It Simple Saturday

I’m having issues with sobriety, not that any of you would have any reason to think other than that.

I’ll also be honest and say, I’m a good person.  I hate alcoholism.  I hate addiction. I hate watching everyone go through it, including loved ones that have to deal with people like myself.

Honestly, people like myself die from their addictions.  It’s a fact.  I have to deal with that on a daily basis but yet I don’t do anything about it.  I will die of active alcoholism.

You know what I want?  I don’t want to cure MY alcoholism or mental illness, I want to touch someone else enough to help them stay sober or alive.  To be honest, that’s all I want in life.

Just to help one person to stay alive…

I Got What I Needed Out of That Meeting, I Hope She Did Too

In AL K Hall‘s i’ve never been to a bad meeting, but… he talks about how he went to a 12 Step Fellowship meeting he’d never been to before to find what he needed that day, in that moment, and through it he was thinking that meeting was a mistake but in the end he discovered it really was just what he needed.

But mostly i would not have been better off at home because my presence helped others. ~AL K HALL

This reminds me of a woman and a meeting I went to while in the hospital.  The woman was a heroin addict and was quickly named ‘Princess’ because everyone felt she thought she deserved so much more than everyone else.  Of course it didn’t help that she thought since she was a heroin addict that her addiction was far more worst than everyone else  including mine to alcohol.  She made it known on more than one occasion that her addiction trumped mine in so many ways.  I was fine with that.  She’s sick just like the rest of us but one day I’d just had enough and said “You know what?  I’m going to prove to you an addiction, is an addiction, is an addiction.  Get a doctor’s order and come to the AA meeting with me tonight.”  I walked away hoping that she would do as I suggested.  You needed a doctor’s order for everything when you are at a psych hospital, EVERYTHING!

She did get her doctor’s order and came with me, at first I thought it was a nightmare.  She wouldn’t be quiet and it was hard for the speakers to even get a word in edgewise, they were just trying to start the meeting…damn it.  You could tell everyone was frustrated but the speakers stayed polite, soft, and understanding and wouldn’t you know it?  We got through the meeting.  By the end of the meeting, I realized she needed the meeting and I needed her to be the way she was at the meeting.  In the course of that meeting, she taught me just a tad bit of patience, compassion, and understanding about others addictions and behaviors because of those addictions.

I got what I needed out of that meeting, I hope she did too.

I’m Paralyzed

There's nothing more paralyzing than the moment you find out that you are alone in the world.

—
Countess Bats (@bats0711) April 06, 2012

And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery.  I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long.  I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel.  I am so alone.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know how to feel.  I just really want to die.  I just really want…someone to care.  At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry.  I used to be so strong and I lost that.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?

I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out.  Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again?  Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right?  I don’t know.  I just know I hurt.

My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic.  I am trying so hard to stay alive.

As Above; So Below

As above; so below.

It’s been mentioned many of times not only on this blog but in all resources about Bipolar Disorder.  That the mania phase of the disorder is fun; it makes you out going, surprising, exciting, and most of all intriguing. As you get older and learn about your own Bipolar Disorder, in some cases you learn that’s not the case because you start to realize that after the mania phase comes the depression phase; which is what the bottom picture represents.

The same is true for alcoholism.  The drinking, the partying, the laughing, and the stumbling are all a great time but it’s the after effects that you learn are what you have to live with.  The waking up the next day, the not knowing what you did, the bruises, the head aches, the hospital visits, and the cleaning up of ones self and life are all what you really have to deal with.

With both we have to learn to deal with the destruction we cause in our lives.  Quite honestly I’ve learned to think the drink all the way through and that’s been a huge help in not causing a destructive path when it comes to alcoholism but when it comes to Bipolar Disorder, I’m just not strong enough yet to steer clear of the destructive forces.  I know as I’m in a mania phase that even if it only lasts for 15 minutes sooner or later I realize the destruction and the depression phase sets in.

It’s Friday & Who Has Two Years Sober?

Bats does, that’s who! Me, myself, I, Bats, has two years sober!  Yup I said it, two of them. Two years.  Two…fucking…years. 

Now that I’ve gloated and tooted my own horn, I’m gonna make this into an award show because it wouldn’t be The She Chronicles without Bats thanking some people. 

First, my Dad.  What can I say about him?  You all don’t know him but let me tell you he is the most caring, gentle, intelligent man I know. I love it when his conversation turns to

You know Bats when I was first gaining sobriety…

because I know there is valuable information coming.  My father has saved my life on numerous occasions and I always know that if I do call him up drunk off my ass, he’ll sober me right up but do it in a respectful manner.  In all honesty, he has every reason in the world to hate me but he doesn’t.  I know his love is always there for me sober or not and always will be.

My dearest friend Mak of I Want Ice Water.  You’ve been coming to this blog since the beginning.  You’ve helped me through some very hard times and hard memories.  I always know each day that there is someone out there that has felt, been through, or is feeling just like I do; you’ve helped teach me that I am absolutely without a doubt never alone in this universe.  Thank you Mak, for being here for me always and unconditionally.

Al K Hall.  What is there to say about you man?  You’re awesome, you’re hilarious, strong, caring, and a damn good bartender.  See Diary – a of a Chronicle Drinker to understand why I say that about him.  You’ve taught me how to have a good laugh when I really need it.  Can you also thank Miss D for me because without her, I have a feeling you wouldn’t be here today?

You know who I have great respect for?  A strong, competent, caring and compassionate woman.  TimeThief, you’ve taught me to care about who I am and to not be afraid to want something good for myself.  You’ve supported me through sobriety, life and even technical difficulties with The She Chronicles and you’ve done it with respect and caring words.  Thank you for loving me.

I could sit here for days, thank people and not even cover a quarter of those that have helped get me to this goal.  2 Years, you’ll have to pardon me because I really am totally in awe of making it here.  Recently I went to a meeting.  Now if you’ve read any portion of my blog you know I don’t endorse AA but I do think it is the best place on Earth to stay sober for an hour to an hour and half.  I did the meeting as I always have done.  When I went to walk out, a man came up to me and said,

 That’s not going to work.  You have to work this to recover.

  Bats being the curious and inquisitive type responds, 

What’s you talking about Willis? 

No his name was not Willis but I so wanted to say that at some point in time in my life and thought that was a great time for it.  He didn’t mind either, btw. 

You’re never going to recover or gain confidence if you just come in, sit down, and do NOTHING.

 I thanked him for his intelligence and walked out.  I am here to say that I have always thought and always will think that to gain and keep sobriety you have to stay vigilant.  That you keep your sobriety by living life 24 hours at a time; sometimes even living life in 10 second increments.  However, you recover by motion.  You recover by doing something, by actions.  Motion creates emotion and that my friends is the key to my recovery.