Who knew people who are having issues with mental health are so arrogant? No seriously, who knew?
I’m going to call him Fred, I’ve never met a Fred so I’m calling him that. Fred needs a lot of help, I’m doing my best to be patient and point him in the right direction. I want to slam my head in a door at this point. If I hear ‘I’m not going to kill myself over this…’ one more damn time….
See Fred just discovered mental illness. Fred has decided that he thinks the sentence “I’m not suicidal but…” is normal. I’m not one for normal but c’mon man! Damn you listen to me!
I’ve given all my links, phone numbers and even called for a well check up for him. Hands up, I’ve got nothing else. I continue to listen and be gentle but damn it man, fuck. I can only stay up for so many nights in a row.
Who knew people were this much trouble? No seriously, who knew?
I’ve been enjoying books. I mean REALLY enjoying. It has helped me escape the realities of my mind and issues that I feel just aren’t in my control right now. I enjoy the fact that I can know someone in a situation in a book (even though they aren’t always real) that gets through it. I enjoy fantasizing while reading the book and picturing what the people, town, and situation must look and feel like. Books are awesome! They’re therapeutic in their own way. This is what’s fun to me.
Currently I’m reading a book my daughter received for Christmas that she said is a MUST read. It’s called Pegasus: The Flame of Olympusby Kate O’hearn. It’s good for her age group, she’s 11 almost 12, 6th grade.
I’m also reading the first installment of the Odd Thomas series by Dean Koontz. I love me some Koontz.
And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery. I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long. I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel. I am so alone. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to feel. I just really want to die. I just really want…someone to care. At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry. I used to be so strong and I lost that.
I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?
I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out. Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again? Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right? I don’t know. I just know I hurt.
My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic. I am trying so hard to stay alive.