I’ll Be Honest ~ Keep It Simple Saturday

I’m having issues with sobriety, not that any of you would have any reason to think other than that.

I’ll also be honest and say, I’m a good person.  I hate alcoholism.  I hate addiction. I hate watching everyone go through it, including loved ones that have to deal with people like myself.

Honestly, people like myself die from their addictions.  It’s a fact.  I have to deal with that on a daily basis but yet I don’t do anything about it.  I will die of active alcoholism.

You know what I want?  I don’t want to cure MY alcoholism or mental illness, I want to touch someone else enough to help them stay sober or alive.  To be honest, that’s all I want in life.

Just to help one person to stay alive…

Keep It Simple Saturday

Hello.  My name is Bats and I’m a bipolarized alcoholic.  And no bipolarized is not a real word, I own it and have rights to it. HA! No really but it’s hard to start a post out like that.

I hate being Bipolar and I hate being an alcoholic.

I hate loving alcohol more than anything else in the world.

I hate the fact that every couple weeks I feel manic, uncomfortable, crazy.

I hate the fact that after feeling manic, I hate myself so much that I think the world would be better without me.

I hate the fact that I self medicate with alcohol.

I love the fact that I can admit all of this.

I love the fact that I have this website where I can admit this at.

I love the fact that (to a point) I am safe here.

I am GRATEFUL for little things; like a cup of decaffeinated coffee or a sigh from my dog.

I am GRATEFUL for the moon because it makes me feel comfortable.

I am GRATEFUL because this post can be called Keep It Simple Saturday and there was nothing simple about it.  I guess that actually means I am GRATEFUL for tolerance.


Moody Monday

Mood:  Anxious.  Okay almost into down right panic.

Panic!!! 2

See I have to go get my medications today, which by the way I have no clue how I was able to talk the Psychiatrist I was seeing at the hospital I just got out of into refilling them but hey whatever works in life at this point in time.  He probably refilled them because I can’t just stop taking the damn things now that I’ve been on them for this long and doesn’t want a medical law suit, like I could afford a lawyer at this time in life.  Anyway, back to going to get my medications.  That means I have to get a ride and travel 45 minutes one way in a car and then back.  I have panic attacks in cars, every single time.  It sucks bat brains.  I’ve been anxious all morning and have pretty much worked myself into a frenzy about having to go do this.  Sigh.  I’m sick of worrying.  I’m sick of anxiety.  I’m sick of disorders to which there are no cures.  I’m sick of being sick.  I’m sick of having something wrong with me and I just know so is everyone else around me. Most likely they’re not but that’s the irrational thought process of my anxiety disorder.

It’s stupid and tiring.

I Crave the Mundane

So, by this time in my mania I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and have been up since 4 am.  It’s now 9 pm.  I’m tired but wide awake at the same time, my head and ears are buzzing, my anxiety and panic are sky-high.  I feel out of control, impulsive, scared.  The good news is my house is clean and tomorrow I’ll do the laundry.  The bad news…shit, I’m manic.

So with that I’m going to blog about mundane things in my life, I crave the mundane and non chaos at this point.  I just want things to be normal.

Smarts, (that’s the 11-year-old girl) received her second straight A honor roll for this quarter.  She’s now in Middle School, which freaked me out more than her and still does.  She’s playing the flute (and is actually pretty darn good) but missed her first recital in December because she came down with the flu.  By the way, Tamiflu worked wonders for her BUT it’s expensive as hell.  Unfortunately since she missed the first recital she might not get to try out for the All-State Band but we’ll see.  I’m extremely proud of the hard work she’s doing in school.  She goes above and beyond what is expected of her every single day.  Wonderful kid.

Funny, (that’s the 7-year-old boy) has received his first reading award which was a feat all in its own since he almost didn’t pass the first grade last year because he struggles with reading and writing.  He’s almost caught up to his classmates now in reading.  He still hates writing though and struggles everyday with wanting to do it.  He can build a world like no other in Minecraft though, yes at the age of 7.  He’s the gamer of the family.  He’s calm, compassionate, funny as heck, and just a joy for anyone who comes in contact with him.  You all would love him, I know I do.  Wonderful kid.

What else mundane?  Hmmmm.

Soccer season starts in two weeks which means I need to get my game face on.  It takes a lot to be part of the ‘good ol’ girls’ club to get to have conversations or make some sort of acquaintances at the games.  It’s hard to get into the ‘in’ crowd around here.  I’m just not like them and to be honest, I don’t really want to be a part of the club but my kids enjoy these people’s kids so I try to do my part.  I love watching my kids play soccer though, one of my favorite things to do.

And finally, what am I reading?  A huge book that I’ve been pleasantly surprised by, I’m quite enjoying it.  It’s called Kane and Abel.  Here’s an excerpt from it:

Born on the same day near the turn of the century on opposite sides of the world, both men are brought together by fate and the quest of a dream. These two men — ambitious, powerful, ruthless — are locked in a relentless struggle to build an empire, fueled by their all-consuming hatred. Over 60 years and three generations, through war, marriage, fortune, and disaster, Kane and Abel battle for the success and triumph that only one man can have.

You can get the book probably at your local library, of course your local book shop, and amazon by clicking here.

I think that’s about as mundane as you can get.  I crave the mundane.

It’s Friday & Yeah…Well…That Was a Waste of Time

So yeah…the supposed doctors appointment turned out to be an appointment for an outpatient program for substance abuse and only if I go to the program will I receive the much-needed psychiatric care that I was promised by the hospital.  I have absolutely no clue what the hell just happened but I know I walked in there hopeful but walked out feeling defeated, worthless, feeling like a waste of space.  The woman whom I had to deal with for my ‘intake’ (I know!  Whoa there, intake???) was the most unpersonable person I have ever had to deal with, she’s definitely working in the wrong field of employment for her personality.

So yeah…there wasn’t even a psychiatrist there to prescribe my medications.  So now I’m down to four days left of medications and have no clue what to do.  I’ve been brainstorming since 1 pm and have come up with nothing except maybe the ER might give me a prescription but I think they’ll just commit me to the same hospital I just got out of last week.

I’m confused and tired.

Now I ask you, what would a 20-year-old person do if they were in my situation and felt unstable, that their mental health wasn’t okay as is and then something like this happens???  I ask this to make a point, that it’s never been just about guns, video games or movies.  It’s about no one out there helping, no one giving a crap.  It’s about feeling desperate in your situation and just needing someone to turn to.

The mental health care system in the United States needs help badly, hell almost more than I do.  Now THAT’S ironic.