Chaos

Chaos is stupid.  Chaos is what I live in.  I’ve come to the realization that I’ll always shake from anxiety, depression, and mania.  There is no treatment for what I have, no cure.

I don’t know.  I hate coming here because I never have anything positive to say, anything happy to share.

I’m sorry.  I’ve had this blog a very long time and yet still…it’s just chaos.

I’ll Be Honest ~ Keep It Simple Saturday

I’m having issues with sobriety, not that any of you would have any reason to think other than that.

I’ll also be honest and say, I’m a good person.  I hate alcoholism.  I hate addiction. I hate watching everyone go through it, including loved ones that have to deal with people like myself.

Honestly, people like myself die from their addictions.  It’s a fact.  I have to deal with that on a daily basis but yet I don’t do anything about it.  I will die of active alcoholism.

You know what I want?  I don’t want to cure MY alcoholism or mental illness, I want to touch someone else enough to help them stay sober or alive.  To be honest, that’s all I want in life.

Just to help one person to stay alive…

Keep It Simple Saturday

Hello.  My name is Bats and I’m a bipolarized alcoholic.  And no bipolarized is not a real word, I own it and have rights to it. HA! No really but it’s hard to start a post out like that.

I hate being Bipolar and I hate being an alcoholic.

I hate loving alcohol more than anything else in the world.

I hate the fact that every couple weeks I feel manic, uncomfortable, crazy.

I hate the fact that after feeling manic, I hate myself so much that I think the world would be better without me.

I hate the fact that I self medicate with alcohol.

I love the fact that I can admit all of this.

I love the fact that I have this website where I can admit this at.

I love the fact that (to a point) I am safe here.

I am GRATEFUL for little things; like a cup of decaffeinated coffee or a sigh from my dog.

I am GRATEFUL for the moon because it makes me feel comfortable.

I am GRATEFUL because this post can be called Keep It Simple Saturday and there was nothing simple about it.  I guess that actually means I am GRATEFUL for tolerance.

 

It’s Friday & Yeah…Well…That Was a Waste of Time

So yeah…the supposed doctors appointment turned out to be an appointment for an outpatient program for substance abuse and only if I go to the program will I receive the much-needed psychiatric care that I was promised by the hospital.  I have absolutely no clue what the hell just happened but I know I walked in there hopeful but walked out feeling defeated, worthless, feeling like a waste of space.  The woman whom I had to deal with for my ‘intake’ (I know!  Whoa there, intake???) was the most unpersonable person I have ever had to deal with, she’s definitely working in the wrong field of employment for her personality.

So yeah…there wasn’t even a psychiatrist there to prescribe my medications.  So now I’m down to four days left of medications and have no clue what to do.  I’ve been brainstorming since 1 pm and have come up with nothing except maybe the ER might give me a prescription but I think they’ll just commit me to the same hospital I just got out of last week.

I’m confused and tired.

Now I ask you, what would a 20-year-old person do if they were in my situation and felt unstable, that their mental health wasn’t okay as is and then something like this happens???  I ask this to make a point, that it’s never been just about guns, video games or movies.  It’s about no one out there helping, no one giving a crap.  It’s about feeling desperate in your situation and just needing someone to turn to.

The mental health care system in the United States needs help badly, hell almost more than I do.  Now THAT’S ironic.

“Mind Over Matter” & Mental Illness…

Nathan Feiles who writes a blog over at PsychCentral put together a list of 12 Things to do to Get Us Motivated When Depressed; maybe doing those things can help relieve depression or even jolt us out of it.

Here’s an excerpt:

Obviously, actively doing anything doesn’t sound so desirable when feeling depressed, let alone confronting our depressive urges head-on. While it’s important to give depressive symptoms their attention and get to understand and learn about what’s underlying the depressive episode, the concept of “mind over matter” can help create motivation when depressed. I have seen evidence with many people that creating a change in mindset with small, manageable, behavioral steps can change a whole experience of depression. For some it’s brought their symptoms entirely into remission. This doesn’t replace taking the steps to learn more about what’s causing the episodes, but these steps can help us move on with our lives while we continue to work on the underlying issues.

Source: PsychCentral.com

Now my question for all of you is, how do you feel about the ‘mind over matter’ saying when it comes to mental illness?  I feel like while it’s positive to get yourself doing something, it makes our illnesses seem like we should just get over it and live life and quite simply it’s not that simple.  I do want to add though that everything that Nathan suggests in this article should be at least tried 3 times, seriously.  We do need to try something when nothing else seems to be working.  Now your turn, weigh in.