Yup. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That seems to be the sentence. I go to meetings that last three hours long and by the first hour I’m pretty much humbled beyond humbled. The county I reside in to get mental health help has said in order to seek out help (which I still have to wait until March 29th to see a doctor) I have to go to SAIOP (Substance Abuse Intensive Outpatient Participation). I’m humbled because there are twenty people there including me, I’m the only one not homeless. I was asked by someone in the group, “Seriously, what do you have to be anxious enough or panicked enough to want to drink over?”
So damn true. Compared to everyone else there…so damn true.
I am humbled.
But yet I still have a life-threatening illness.
Sigh. I needed to come here even though I’ve been told by the counselor that this is not the right place to be.
I’m glad I have this place and I am sorry that my rock bottom isn’t as dramatic as others but it is my rock bottom.
My name is Bats and I am an alcoholic and bipolar woman.
This is a lot like I get right before I swing way down into a black abyss of depression. No emotion, no mania, no depression, just nothing. I call it my gray area of Bipolar Disorder. It sucks bat brains.
So yeah…the supposed doctors appointment turned out to be an appointment for an outpatient program for substance abuse and only if I go to the program will I receive the much-needed psychiatric care that I was promised by the hospital. I have absolutely no clue what the hell just happened but I know I walked in there hopeful but walked out feeling defeated, worthless, feeling like a waste of space. The woman whom I had to deal with for my ‘intake’ (I know! Whoa there, intake???) was the most unpersonable person I have ever had to deal with, she’s definitely working in the wrong field of employment for her personality.
So yeah…there wasn’t even a psychiatrist there to prescribe my medications. So now I’m down to four days left of medications and have no clue what to do. I’ve been brainstorming since 1 pm and have come up with nothing except maybe the ER might give me a prescription but I think they’ll just commit me to the same hospital I just got out of last week.
I’m confused and tired.
Now I ask you, what would a 20-year-old person do if they were in my situation and felt unstable, that their mental health wasn’t okay as is and then something like this happens??? I ask this to make a point, that it’s never been just about guns, video games or movies. It’s about no one out there helping, no one giving a crap. It’s about feeling desperate in your situation and just needing someone to turn to.
The mental health care system in the United States needs help badly, hell almost more than I do. Now THAT’S ironic.