It’s My Birthday!

Today is my birthday so I want to do a little something here.  I’m very appreciative of life even when I don’t seem to be.  I’m very grateful for many things but today I’m very grateful for all of you; those that read or read and comment.  I’m grateful that I have a place to come that shows no stigma, no judgement; a place that accepts me for who  I am and doesn’t hate me on my bad days, doesn’t like me just because of money or hate me because I have none.  I’m grateful that there is a place I can come where there isn’t an upper or lower class, no celebrity class; I’m grateful we are all equal here and can support each other because we want to not because we feel we have to.  I’m grateful today to be able to be Bats.

Along with that, I won’t be shy and I’ll let you know I LOVE presents.  If anyone whom comes and reads could leave me a comment of just one thing you are grateful for today, that would be the best present of all!

Keep It Simple Saturday

Today is Saturday so you know what that means, I’m trying to move as little as possible and I’m reading.  Check out this book I found, it’s called Tales from the Hotel Central by Gil C. Schmidt and it’s so good it has a book trailer:

Mr. Schmidt is a superb author even though he’s a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.  Check out some of his writing here:  Gil The Jenius and here:  Gil Schmidt At Work.  I promise you won’t be sorry.

Enjoy YOUR Simple Saturday!

It's Friday & My Hometown Suggest Comfort and Safety

I grew up around Washington DC. The one big thing I remember about it is the feeling of comfort, safety, and awe. I know, I know, Washington DC and safety just don’t seem like they mix but I can tell you that when I was little some *cough cough* 30 years ago, I felt safe, I knew that my neighbors were looking out for me. I knew that if I had an emergency, someone was there to help. I felt FREE.

When I was around the age of 2, my Grandmother babysat me while my Dad worked; lets just say that her babysitting was basically her getting stumbling around drunk while I amused myself. One day I decided I wasn’t going to just play inside, I wanted out and to walk around, jump, skip, cross the street. I ended up down the road at a neighbors house so I could play with their dogs, cats and snakes. They knew my situation, let me play, fed me and when my Dad returned home brought me back; safely. They looked out for me, looked out for my Dad, and for that I know my Dad has always been eternally grateful; as am I.

Where I live now even in my 30′s; I don’t feel safe, I don’t trust any of my neighbors and know that everyone around me is looking out for themselves not for others. I miss the comfort, safety, and awe of my hometown of Washington DC.

Would you give up everything for true Freedom?

Today seems like the perfect day to talk about freedom; irony of the day talking about freedom while protesting SOPA/PIPA, even more ironic having your blog blacked out in support of that protest so nobody will be able to read or respond to this but hey that’s what makes it the perfect day to talk about it.

Alcoholics love their freedom; they love to be able to make the decision to drink themselves to death or not, just as long as WE get to make that decision and not someone else.  The funny thing is when I was drinking, in reality I had zero freedom; I gave up every freedom I had in order to get drunk every waking moment of every day.  I couldn’t live life because I had to drink, I had to have access to alcohol.  I scheduled my days and nights around alcohol, I scheduled activities around alcohol, heck I scheduled showering and eating around alcohol.

So when I went to detox and found out the only way I was going to get and stay sober was giving up every last bit of my distorted freedom, it’s fair to say, I was pissed off.  I didn’t want to live in what my mind was telling me was going to be jail; what I realize now is that I was already living in an insane asylum.  I gave up the right to have money, keys, thoughts.  I gave up the right to make my own decisions, I had to let someone else take the wheel for a while if I wanted to live.  I literally couldn’t trust my own self to shop for groceries because I knew that if I entered that store I was going to walk out with alcohol and start the whole ‘drink myself until I live in a blackout for two years’ thing again.  I had to do whatever deemed necessary to stay alive and if that meant taking my own picture to every liquor store in the county and tell them that if I came in to buy alcohol to not sell to me, another words embarrass the living shit out of myself, then so be it; I HAD TO LIVE.  I had to discover true freedom.

I’m here to tell you that I gave up freedom to gain true freedom and I’d do it again in a heart beat if I ever had to.

Public Speaking? EEK!

I often think to my self, “Bats, imagine what you could do if you had confidence in yourself?” I mean seriously if I had confidence and not the liquid kind, I would be so much more than what I am now. I hold myself back in every way possible because I lack just confidence in myself.

One of my top fears is public speaking. I’m actually terrified to the point of hiding in a bathroom or closet because of it. Seriously. I need to take a business course at a local college but I’m currently postponing signing up for it because I know that they will make me do Power Point presentations and I have nightmares about it and work myself up into a frenzy (panic) that I just can not speak up in front of a group of people, no matter how small. I know, I know, I’m being stupid, I’m being ridiculous, I’m being scared little kid about this. I’m letting my fear run and ruin my life. If I take this course it could mean I make more money, it could mean I get more out of what I guess is consider my career but yet I just can not overcome this….fear, this….confidence problem. But yet I HAVE to take this course, sober.

Do you have a fear that you feel is ruining your life?  Are you trying to overcome it?  How ?  Or how will you try to overcome it?