I Have No Defense Against My Vice: Beer

 Many vices have been in my world. It seemed to hit me all at once when I turned 12, I’ve spoken about that before; about how life seemed to crush me down as if an avalanche hit me at full force; about how my heart skips a beat when I get to close to alcohol, it really is a romance or maybe a career of some sort. Cigarettes and alcohol seem to have been my two worst vices, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to kick my addiction to nicotine in the ass and I of course never know if I’ll relapse once again with alcohol. Which btw I have 20 months sober on March 8th, 2011. Pretty close to my goal of 2 years, which I’ve never been able to reach. The longest I’ve gone without alcohol is 19 months and that relapse was because well it doesn’t count if you get off a plane in a country where the first thing the welcome wagon does is hand you an opened beer and a bag of pot. Is/was pot a vice for me? No, I’ve been able to clear my life of that and quite honestly once I started drinking very heavily (probably about the age of 17; meaning drinking everyday) I didn’t care about anything other than what I would drink, how I would drink it, who I would drink it with, when I would start drinking it, and where I was going to drink at so pot was pretty easy to go without and still is. I don’t walk into a room of people and wonder where the marijuana is, I look automatically at what alcohol is in the room and what kind; of course now my thoughts are “just stay away from it, you are way to close to 2 years to give up now. Don’t forget the yellow eyes, the pale green skin, and the gentleman you met in detox this last time that had no clue he had been to detox 12 different times”. I have no defense any longer in life against alcohol, atleast not yet. Quite honestly I would love a drink right now, in 10 minutes, or 10 hours from now…really, REALLY love one but I really believe in my heart that I don’t have another quit in me. I just don’t think I could quit again, I believe I’ll be drinking in a blackout for the rest of my life if I start once again.

So I live life one second, minute, and day at a time. Is that a cliche? Yes, but trust me when I say it works. I also have sat on my hands, literally. Hey don’t laugh, it worked damn it. None of that happens to help with nicotine though. I sware if I have no cigarettes, I will pull one out of your hand and run with it. I also would cut someones arm off for one, gouge your eyes out, or physically maim you for one. See how insane addiction can be?

Okay carry on…

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This is Painful, Physically and Emotionally

I’m not really sure but I think I’m gonna go crazy.  This stinks, I mean considering I have no desire to quit smoking.  I do however have the desire to go to the nearest tobacco field and lay there and chew on the plants.  I’ve heard it so many times, you’ve quit drinking so this should be a snap for you.  Ya I’m gonna snap alright.  No matter how hard it has been for me to quit drinking, this is 100 fold of that.  I hate this, I hate addiction.  Why is it my brain couldn’t have been born normal, damn it?! 

Alright enough of my pity party for right now.  I gotta go pace and drink coffee, hey maybe I might throw a shower in there.  Who knows what the day will bring?  I know what it will not bring, money and cigarettes.