I Heart My Dad

I spoke with my Dad a couple times this week. Each time I spoke with him the conversation turns to him wanting his kids to understand that they don’t have to die like him. Heart disease is something that runs rabid in his family, his Dad died at 45 of it so for him to go out like this is taking an emotional toll on him. I try to just listen with openness and sincerity. “Bats, I’ve already defined my life. This is the way I’m going out, I’m dying but you and your brothers don’t have to.” In our family I’m probably the most healthiest and well I’m an alcoholic, Bipolar, and addicted to everything under the sun, so what does that tell you? “Bats, I’m feeling weaker everyday. Everyday I feel it but I’m trying.” I always remember these little blurbs my Dad says as I talk with him, each one holds it’s meaning so defined in it.

He’s in the final stages of his disease and he’s thinking maybe another 6 months. I know I need to be figuring out my goodbye to him but I just don’t know how. I mean how do you say goodbye to someone who has been there for you for 34 years? How do you say goodbye to someone whom has loved you unconditionally for 34 years? How do define that last moment?

On another note this morning my daughter brought home paperwork from her school of a fund drive they are doing with The American Heart Association for Heart Disease. (Irony at it’s best again, you think?) We are very excited to campaign for this wonderful cause. It’s called Hoops for Hearts and I haven’t done any research on it yet so haven’t posted a link here but definately be looking for it in the weeks to come. We are excited to raise money for a cause so people like my Dad don’t have to die of this disease. It is a horrible slow death and I can’t wait to get a plan going on how we are going to tackle this. It’s definately going to be some posting about it on here. 🙂

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6 thoughts on “I Heart My Dad

  1. I don’t know what particular disease your father has, but if you enraged by the thought of losing him to heart disease, then I understand. My grandfather recently passed away at 82 of congestive heart failure, and my first thought was why? It’s a heart, dammit. You’re telling me we don’t have the technology to repair a fricken muscle? But no, we don’t. We understand a lot about the heart and the electrical operation of it, how it’s controlled, how its regulated, and how it’s kept healthy. But we don’t know enough to repair it in a lot of cases. When electrical gradients across the layers of muscle start causing rhythmic problems, we install pacemakers. When arteries on the surface get clogged, we ream them out with high-tech pipe cleaners. But almost everything we do is on the macular level. We aren’t actually repairing it, or forcing it to operate the way it was designed.

    In short, our technology sucks. We’re not even halfway to where we need to be. No one should be dying of heart disease. It’s ridiculous that at this point in our development of medical technology that we can’t correct this. Diabetes – that’s complicated. HIV – that’s complicated. The heart? Come on – if you’re going to develop a solution, this would seem like low hanging fruit.

    • Oh man do I agree with everything you said there Dood. Currently I am passed being angry with the disease itself, more angry that medicare does nothing to help him and I find it hard to believe that there is nothing, absolutely nothing to extend his lifespan. Yes he has heart disease and he’s 62. Hopefully he’ll get to 63. I’m sure after he dies is when my real anger will show through, right now though it’s just sad that I haven’t had enough time with him and I feel like I wasted a lot time with so many other things.

  2. imho, the best way to say goodbye is not to. Instead, you should make the best of the time remaining so that you don’t regret wasting it later. I didn’t get the chance to spend time with my dad before he died, and I was so caught up in my addictions that I let the last years of my mom’s life go by practically unnoticed.

    Don’t allow your dad’s death to become a legacy of regret that haunts you – and your family – for years to come. He’s trying to give his death some kind of meaning. You can give it some by showing that his memory will be cherished. Just my two cents.

    • Thanks Mak for your 2 cents here, I’ve been thinking about it since yesterday. I think you are right, I am so preoccupied with the fact that he will die that I am missing out on the fact that he is alive now.
      “He’s trying to give his death some kind of meaning.”

      WOW the magnitude of what you said there kind of stops every other thought in my world.

      • You know how hesitant I am to cross those imaginary lines. Once again, you’ve shown how rich you are in character by recognizing the sincerity of my comment. And if I can see it from way out here, then I have no doubt that your dad sees it and is filled with pride by it. 🙂

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