What’s The Point?

What IS the point?  I mean when you have an addiction and mental illness that basically rule and discipline your life then what is the point?

You’re an addict to your ways.  You can’t escape the habit, the inferno in your heart that you have to do what you do everyday.  Does that make sense?

Then you have an illness that isn’t visible so no one can see or hear your pain.  You try to heal the pain by FDA approved medication but that just gives you more hell.  Like being a zombie all the damn time.  Not even being able to thing.  Losing your damn hair.  Just wanting darkness and hating the light.  Your skin blisters in the sun or peals non stop. You need energy but yet can’t get it because the medicine is made to bring you so far down you don’t compromise your life.

Not to mention the people in your life don’t get how extreme this silent illness is.  They just ignore it.  They just act like it doesn’t exist.

They just act like you don’t exist.

So I ask again, what is the point?

The point is…the sun, the moon, books, smiles, crying, anxiety, the smile from my 12 year old because she knows how smart she is, the laugh of my 8 year old because he thinks he said something funny, having great sushi, reading even though you feel guilty.

But yet…I have an addiction to alcohol…coupled with a mental illness.

I’m having a hard time finding freedom and happiness.  Once again, I’ve found the black hole.