It’s Friday & I’m Sober Tonight

thumbnailCAXVY33I I’m feeling pretty shaky.  Tomorrow marks the fact that I haven’t purchased nor drank any alcohol for 6 months.  Normally with anniversaries I get shaky around 6 months, 1 year, a year and a half and of course I’ve never made it to 2 years.  Although I know of and how to use resources available to me to keep my sobriety in check, somehow I forget that those exist or maybe I just get complacent with being sober.  I don’t know, I’m just not good with dealing with my feelings or problems, I can take on the whole worlds problems but when it comes to taking care of what I need, my brain shuts down or I start getting that little lady sitting on my shoulder telling me how selfish I am, telling me about how I’ve thought only about myself for all those years of drinking and now I don’t deserve the brain matter it takes to take care of me, to think about what I need.  Maybe it’s the flashbacks that happen around my sobriety anniversaries, you know the flashes that pop into your head as you are doing the dishes, the flashes that hold valuable information of why you are a fool, a drunk, a stupid lush.  These flashes are very concrete and they show all the memories and thoughts that you were trying to get rid of when you were drinking and now that you’re sober they come back at you and slap you on the back of the head to remind yourself that you owe everyone around you time, peace, and comfort because you stole all of that from them with your many blackouts, embarrassing parties, weeks, months, years of being sloppy and non human, being unfair, bitchy, dangerous.   

This is a big reason why AA and I don’t mix, because there is (and this is only my humbled opinion) no reason in the world I should bring it all to the surface once again to make so called amends to all those people that I damned or hurt from my many bouts of alcoholic actions.  Shouldn’t the memory of these that will permanently live in my brain and memory be enough?

Of course then there is the whole “The past is gone forever” modo of WFS that really annoys me because although it is in the past, it hasn’t gone anywhere other than one part of my Bipolar mind to another part of it.  Flashes of my past come up regularly in my vision and thoughts.  Is that bad?  Sometimes it can break me down and other times it is the reason I hold my shoulders back and my head high.  Sometimes it causes nightmares and other times it makes me smile, laugh out loud at myself because believe me some of it is really funny!

I’m sober tonight though and it’s Friday.

Smarts and Funny

Have you ever looked at your kids and thought, ‘damn they are perfect for who they are.’  Know what I mean?  My daughter is 8 and she is a knowledge seeker, I couldn’t imagine her wanting or doing or demanding anything else.  My son who is almost 4 is a comedian but yet feelings come to him very intensely.  I also couldn’t imagine him wanting or doing or demanding anything else from life.

My daughter whom is in second grade is being thrown into math fiercely, they haven’t mastered multipulcation but have already moved onto division so you can imagine her frustration and tiredness at times.  So my hubby and I came up with some math sheets she can do and can earn a quarter for each sheet that she gets a 100% on.  Okay I am going to mention here that math is no where near my strong suite.  So she gets home from school, tired and worn out, tells me she had three tests today and then notices the sheets on the dining room table and asks about them.  I explain there purpose and she’s all over it.  All of a sudden, she is no longer tired or worn out, she’s ready to get on with it.  She sits next to me and as I am planning out the garden, she’s writing and adding and inventing ideas of how to complete these sheets quick and right.  She quickly figures out the patterns of the math problems and I can see it in her eyes that she’s filing away every answer into a seperate math compartment in her brain.  I could see she was learning, I could actually see that in her eyes and gestures.  I begin to see a small self satisfying smile come to the corners of her mouth.  And I realized right then, that she is perfect for who she wants to be.

My son whom I can only explain to you as perpetual motion, loves to pretend and has begun to tell stories and has decided that no matter what in life, he will make you laugh.  So I am out looking at the garden, wondering what would be the quickest and easiest way to turn the soil to plant everything this weekend and he is running around playing…going to work and buying gatorade.  Don’t ask me, but that’s what he has decided is his job and to make it a hoot his car has broken down and he must now walk to work to get the gatorade.  He constantly comes up to me with a blade of grass and proceeds to let me know that this is cherry gatorade or lime gatorade and lets me drink them, that’s his job.  One time he comes up to me and I’m expecting a blade of lime gatorade grass and he puts his two pointer fingers together instead and says, “Break this pickle!”  So I proceed and break it with my pointer finger and he quickly goes “Tickle, tickle” and tickles me.  Okay so it doesn’t really tickle but well I laugh hystarically anyway.  Okay, I just don’t know much else that is that funny from an almost four year old boy.  It’s like he knows that’s what you need or want at the time, to laugh, to not think of actual stuff, to be a silly pickle breaking Mommy.  And I realize right then, that he is perfect for who he wants to be.

I love my children.