Thank You, My Friends

Good Morning.  I’m reading through my comments on here and on Twitter and I am absolutely thankful to each and everyone of you.  I can not tell you how much all of you mean to me, perfect strangers saved my life.  Please know that I am grateful to you all and know that I believe in love.

It will take me some time to respond to you all but I promise that I will.

I’m Paralyzed

And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery.  I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long.  I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel.  I am so alone.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know how to feel.  I just really want to die.  I just really want…someone to care.  At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry.  I used to be so strong and I lost that.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?

I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out.  Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again?  Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right?  I don’t know.  I just know I hurt.

My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic.  I am trying so hard to stay alive.

Stop Waiting For Celebrities To Die To Discuss Addiction

I know everyone is anxiously awaiting a post by me about Whitney Houston’s tragic death {sarcasm about waiting for the post} but the truth of the matter is this:  I don’t understand why it takes a celebrity to die for us to notice and discuss addiction.  My heart goes out to the Houston family and friends, it really does.  Don’t get me wrong, I looked up to Whitney Houston when I was a little girl before I noticed Danzig, Metallica, Tom Petty, Megadeth, and Slayer.  I wanted to be as beautiful as her, wanted to sound like a songbird just as she did.

Addiction is powerful, it’s raw, it’s confining, it’s suffocating; and unfortunately it has taken yet another beautiful person off the face of the Earth.  Each day addiction takes women {and men} to deep dark places of despair, of horror, and each day it takes someone new to death.  We need to quit waiting for celebrities to die to discuss what addiction is, we need to notice it even if it’s not in our lives and notice it even when it’s a regular human being.  I know I’m sounding selfish with this post, I know that in life there are the celebrity class and then just us normal people and that’s how society works but it pisses me off that I see a woman trend on Twitter for dying but she didn’t trend for her smile or strength.  It pisses me off that when I almost died from addiction, my life didn’t trend on Twitter.  It pisses me off that it takes a celebrity to die for us to realize that addiction is real, that it kills, that it leaves a lasting effect of damage much like a tornado even after we die.

So I leave you with this…Mark David Allen died.

Check In ~ HALT

I’m here!  I’ve had a few issues getting into my WordPress account, which is strange but I think I have that fixed now.

In other news…

I’m Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and fucking Tired.

My boss changed everything around; the whole process and systems, told me if I have any problems with it to email him.  Well I’m the one checking his email for him. HA!  I want to poke him in the eye right now.

And I’ve pissed off a bunch of chicks on Twitter.

Oh I’m having a fabulous week.