In Need of Help?

I haven’t done this in awhile.  I know many are in need of help getting sober.  Whether it be alcohol, drugs, or internet.  Hell…most of the time, I’m all three.  I know that doesn’t sound great about the resources I’m about to give you but believe me; all of them are great.

In the past 11 years, I’ve lived 8 of them sober.  No, not at one time but…does that matter?

AA You can find meetings & the Big Book (Bible) at this site.  I also want to say that some of the most awesome people I have ever met, go to AA.

Women For Sobriety have taught me that like IS worth living.  I can not express how many time I have not killed myself because of their message board.  You can also find Men For Sobriety information on this site.

For those of you that just think that you need to cut down just a tad (good luck) Moderation Management.

And finally…a site that has it all.  Everything.  Whether you want to deal with it or not, trust me; read this site.  It will change your life.  AL K Hall.

Good Luck everyone.  I know I need it.

It’s Friday & I’m The Most Frustrated I’ve Ever Been

Howdy.  My post is quite late, I know. I’ve been trying all week to get my supposed Psychiatrist (whom I have yet to even meet) to fill my prescriptions.  Finally today right before the pharmacy closed, I was able to get them to call them in.  It should not take almost two weeks to get this done.  And now Monday I have to start intensive outpatient treatment for substance abuse, I have no clue what this entails because no one will answer my questions.  I’m just told “If you don’t do it then you don’t see the doctor or get your meds, so it doesn’t matter what it entails.”  Hell I haven’t even met my doctor yet!!!!  Yup, this is the public mental health help that is available in my state.  Quite honestly I’m almost to the point that I may just pay out-of-pocket to see a doctor and get actual help.  I’m sick of being talked down to and feeling degraded just because I have a mental health issue and am alcoholic.  It took a lot for me not to scream into the phone “FUCK YOU!” at the woman today, it took a whole damn lot.

I’m the most frustrated I’ve ever been.

 

It’s Friday & Yeah…Well…That Was a Waste of Time

So yeah…the supposed doctors appointment turned out to be an appointment for an outpatient program for substance abuse and only if I go to the program will I receive the much-needed psychiatric care that I was promised by the hospital.  I have absolutely no clue what the hell just happened but I know I walked in there hopeful but walked out feeling defeated, worthless, feeling like a waste of space.  The woman whom I had to deal with for my ‘intake’ (I know!  Whoa there, intake???) was the most unpersonable person I have ever had to deal with, she’s definitely working in the wrong field of employment for her personality.

So yeah…there wasn’t even a psychiatrist there to prescribe my medications.  So now I’m down to four days left of medications and have no clue what to do.  I’ve been brainstorming since 1 pm and have come up with nothing except maybe the ER might give me a prescription but I think they’ll just commit me to the same hospital I just got out of last week.

I’m confused and tired.

Now I ask you, what would a 20-year-old person do if they were in my situation and felt unstable, that their mental health wasn’t okay as is and then something like this happens???  I ask this to make a point, that it’s never been just about guns, video games or movies.  It’s about no one out there helping, no one giving a crap.  It’s about feeling desperate in your situation and just needing someone to turn to.

The mental health care system in the United States needs help badly, hell almost more than I do.  Now THAT’S ironic.

Would you give up everything for true Freedom?

Today seems like the perfect day to talk about freedom; irony of the day talking about freedom while protesting SOPA/PIPA, even more ironic having your blog blacked out in support of that protest so nobody will be able to read or respond to this but hey that’s what makes it the perfect day to talk about it.

Alcoholics love their freedom; they love to be able to make the decision to drink themselves to death or not, just as long as WE get to make that decision and not someone else.  The funny thing is when I was drinking, in reality I had zero freedom; I gave up every freedom I had in order to get drunk every waking moment of every day.  I couldn’t live life because I had to drink, I had to have access to alcohol.  I scheduled my days and nights around alcohol, I scheduled activities around alcohol, heck I scheduled showering and eating around alcohol.

So when I went to detox and found out the only way I was going to get and stay sober was giving up every last bit of my distorted freedom, it’s fair to say, I was pissed off.  I didn’t want to live in what my mind was telling me was going to be jail; what I realize now is that I was already living in an insane asylum.  I gave up the right to have money, keys, thoughts.  I gave up the right to make my own decisions, I had to let someone else take the wheel for a while if I wanted to live.  I literally couldn’t trust my own self to shop for groceries because I knew that if I entered that store I was going to walk out with alcohol and start the whole ‘drink myself until I live in a blackout for two years’ thing again.  I had to do whatever deemed necessary to stay alive and if that meant taking my own picture to every liquor store in the county and tell them that if I came in to buy alcohol to not sell to me, another words embarrass the living shit out of myself, then so be it; I HAD TO LIVE.  I had to discover true freedom.

I’m here to tell you that I gave up freedom to gain true freedom and I’d do it again in a heart beat if I ever had to.

It’s Friday & Who Has Two Years Sober?

Bats does, that’s who! Me, myself, I, Bats, has two years sober!  Yup I said it, two of them. Two years.  Two…fucking…years. 

Now that I’ve gloated and tooted my own horn, I’m gonna make this into an award show because it wouldn’t be The She Chronicles without Bats thanking some people. 

First, my Dad.  What can I say about him?  You all don’t know him but let me tell you he is the most caring, gentle, intelligent man I know. I love it when his conversation turns to

You know Bats when I was first gaining sobriety…

because I know there is valuable information coming.  My father has saved my life on numerous occasions and I always know that if I do call him up drunk off my ass, he’ll sober me right up but do it in a respectful manner.  In all honesty, he has every reason in the world to hate me but he doesn’t.  I know his love is always there for me sober or not and always will be.

My dearest friend Mak of I Want Ice Water.  You’ve been coming to this blog since the beginning.  You’ve helped me through some very hard times and hard memories.  I always know each day that there is someone out there that has felt, been through, or is feeling just like I do; you’ve helped teach me that I am absolutely without a doubt never alone in this universe.  Thank you Mak, for being here for me always and unconditionally.

Al K Hall.  What is there to say about you man?  You’re awesome, you’re hilarious, strong, caring, and a damn good bartender.  See Diary – a of a Chronicle Drinker to understand why I say that about him.  You’ve taught me how to have a good laugh when I really need it.  Can you also thank Miss D for me because without her, I have a feeling you wouldn’t be here today?

You know who I have great respect for?  A strong, competent, caring and compassionate woman.  TimeThief, you’ve taught me to care about who I am and to not be afraid to want something good for myself.  You’ve supported me through sobriety, life and even technical difficulties with The She Chronicles and you’ve done it with respect and caring words.  Thank you for loving me.

I could sit here for days, thank people and not even cover a quarter of those that have helped get me to this goal.  2 Years, you’ll have to pardon me because I really am totally in awe of making it here.  Recently I went to a meeting.  Now if you’ve read any portion of my blog you know I don’t endorse AA but I do think it is the best place on Earth to stay sober for an hour to an hour and half.  I did the meeting as I always have done.  When I went to walk out, a man came up to me and said,

 That’s not going to work.  You have to work this to recover.

  Bats being the curious and inquisitive type responds, 

What’s you talking about Willis? 

No his name was not Willis but I so wanted to say that at some point in time in my life and thought that was a great time for it.  He didn’t mind either, btw. 

You’re never going to recover or gain confidence if you just come in, sit down, and do NOTHING.

 I thanked him for his intelligence and walked out.  I am here to say that I have always thought and always will think that to gain and keep sobriety you have to stay vigilant.  That you keep your sobriety by living life 24 hours at a time; sometimes even living life in 10 second increments.  However, you recover by motion.  You recover by doing something, by actions.  Motion creates emotion and that my friends is the key to my recovery.