I am Helpless!

 

I throw my hands up in the air.  I am helpless.  My name is Countess Bats and I am an alcoholic.and I have a mental disorder called Bipolar.  I gave up my program many months ago,  I gave up two different programs many months ago, hell…maybe even three!

Look…if you are here seeking sobriety, wisdom, or sanity…leave now because I don’t have any of those.  I lost them when I relapsed.  That’s the normal for me;  I am the Countess of Relapse.

I am completely Helpless and I can guarantee that I will lose everything because of alcohol and Bipolar Disorder.  I can guarantee that unless I seek help, unless I want help…I will lose everything.

Look…if you have Googled alcoholism and/or bipolar disorder then maybe you need to think about yourself ; or the loved one you opened Google for.

Where do I send you to? AA or WFS.  Please go.

 

The Force is Strong Young Padawan

Oh THAT’S good!

I’m NOT Defective

Take a  look at the defination below and image you have to call yourself that everyday…

defective
de·fec·tive [ di féktiv ]
adjective
Definition:
1. faulty: imperfect or faulty, so not functioning properly or at all
2. offensive term: an offensive term that means having learning difficulties or problems in coping with emotions ( insult )
3. grammar incomplete: lacking the usual or expected range of grammatical inflections
noun (plural de·fec·tives)
Definition: offensive term: an offensive term for somebody who has learning difficulties or problems in coping with emotions ( insult )
de·fec·tive·ly adverb
de·fec·tive·ness noun

That one word has a lot of power to it, doesn’t it?  If you were to play a tape in your mind everyday of your life, telling yourself that parts of you are defective,they don’t function properly or at all; that could really be harming to yourself as a person, woman or man, right?  That is the big reason why I don’t like the 12 Steps of AA.  In the 4th Step we are to ask god to remove all of our defects (okay I’m not going to go into the asking god for anything part here in this post, I’ll get to that later on in my blog, just not right now), and I see calling myself or any other person with the exception of rapist, mass murderers, saddam hussain, usama bin laden, ect…(you get my point on those ‘type’ of people), I see calling people and definately myself  “defective” as an insult, a horrible insult.  For some reason it just doesn’t sit well in my mind or heart.  I would never call a friend a defect so why would I call myself that?

But now isn’t there a double standard to my thinking because well I do have many addictions, many shortcomings, in a sense I don’t function properly.  Maybe though instead of not functioning properly, I function in a different light, a different way.  Who is to say what is functioning properly, maybe I am the one who functions properly and the people whom don’t have addictions or OCD, or Bipolar Disorder. ect…are the one’s that need to be asking someone to take their shortcomings away?  HEY, maybe I’m the one who is ‘normal’!  I don’t know, I just don’t think anything that requires me to insult myself is helping me in anyway.  Maybe that’s why I have never been able to do a successful 12 Steps.

I can’t wait to see what I’ll be thinking about tomorrow.

Keep It Simple Saturday~Powerless

This Saturday I’m posting an AA reflection that has rang in my ears the most when I have needed it.  There’s a lot about AA I can’t stand but I have to admitt AA has helped me stay sober on more than one occassion.  Keep It Simple today guys.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
Twelves Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 21

It is no coincidence that the very first Step mentions powerlessness:  An admission of personal powerlessness over alcohol is a cornerstone of the foundation of recovery.  I’ve learned that I do not have the power and control I once thought I had.  I am powerless over what people think about me.  I am powerless over having just missed the bus.  I am powerless over how other people work (or don’t work) the Steps.  But I’ve also learned I am not powerless over some things.  I am not powerless over my attitudes.  I am not powerless over negativity.  I am not powerless over assuming responsibility for my own recovery.  I have the power to exert positive influence on myself, my loved ones, and the world in which I live.
Anonymous Alcoholic

Self-Centered

” Our serious problem is self-centeredness. “ The Little Red Book  pg. 97, Paragraph 1.

I have a problem with this statement, well I don’t have a problem with the whole statement, just the fact that I am considered self-centered.  Yes, I have drank.  Yes, I have put my children in harms way for alcohol and let me clarify that, I have gotten so drunk that I have passed out which would mean that most likely if someone broke in or a fire would’ve started then I wouldn’t be prepared for it, I have lost control.  But I don’t consider myself self-centered.  Everyday I put everyone before myself.  Small examples would include:  I’m not a morning person so coffee is definately my friend but in the morning I make sure the kids breakfast is going before I can sit down and enjoy a cup of java.  If there is only one scoop of ice cream left and my husband wants it, I let him have it.  If my husband comes to me at 11pm and tells me he needs work clothes washed even though I am ready to get into bed with a good book, then I put off what I want to do and stay up to wash them.  I’d give my last dollar to someone in need.  The point is I do for others before myself but yet the 12 Steps teach us that we are self-centered and we must seek out help for it through the Steps.  I wonder when I will not be considered self-centered, I wonder what I have to do for others to look at me and think that I am a good Mom, I wonder when I won’t be considered ‘sick’ because I am alcohol.  I don’t have a problem with Acceptance that I have a life-threatening problem, or that alcohol causes me to live in a world of insanity, or even the fact that I need to ask a Higher Power to help humble me but I just don’t like being called self-centered, selfish.  Okay maybe towards alcohol I am.   Meaning that if there are only 3 beers left, they are mine and if you drink one  it may send me into an emotional outburst but in everyday life experiences, I’m not self-centered.  I care deeply for everyone else and put myself on the backburner.  Sometimes I don’t find the meaning in beating myself up to heal from being an alcoholic.  Sometimes I think this is all to damn hard to deal with and today would be one of those days.