I’m Paralyzed

There's nothing more paralyzing than the moment you find out that you are alone in the world.

—
Countess Bats (@bats0711) April 06, 2012

And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery.  I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long.  I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel.  I am so alone.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know how to feel.  I just really want to die.  I just really want…someone to care.  At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry.  I used to be so strong and I lost that.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?

I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out.  Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again?  Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right?  I don’t know.  I just know I hurt.

My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic.  I am trying so hard to stay alive.

Keep It Simple Saturday

It’s no secret that I enjoy @Twitter way too much so when I found this over there I had to post it here.  I hope you enjoy Twitter Me Some Love by @Marcome as much as I do.  Seriously I must be a strange mood to be jammin out to this. HA!