It’s 5:22 am here and as you can see I’m not sleeping. Why am I not sleeping? Because I haven’t slept well in 3 nights. Why haven’t I slept well? Probably because I’m hypomanic which means in about a day or even later today I’ll be full blown manic. Here’s an infographic:
I rarely ever hit that middle mark and that’s pretty much what I’m striving for at this point. I believe I’ve either been hypomanic or moderately depressed for sometime. To hit full-blown severe mania puts me into panic like no other so I don’t enjoy it like most people with Bipolar Disorder and well severe depression…puts me into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts and actions. Both cause me to self-medicate if not on a mood stabilizer prescribed by a doctor. My problem is I can’t find a mood stabilizer that the doctors are prescribing to work for more than a week. When I first was diagnosed, I had found my miracle cocktail right off the bat but it seems to me as I get older and my hormones shift, it’s not going to be as easy any longer. At least I have an appointment this Friday and I can say that we need to tweak the medication; hopefully I won’t be full-blown manic by then, I don’t have much faith in that though because I know my body and I know what it’s telling me.
I don’t believe I’ll ever feel the wonderfulness of the middle. I feel defeated.
Have I ever had a recurring dream? Hmmmmm as a matter of fact I’ve had a few. Most recent one is me in the oval office smoking up with President Obama out of a (oh this one’s good) hydrogen bong. “Boy this hits so smoooooooottttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhh” he says to me then asks me one thing I would like for him to achieve during his Presidency. I of course say “legalize pot” and he nods and responds with “working on it but everyone is too split on the topic to approve it. I’ll let them know how important it is to you.” Hell yeah! I’m some sort of important player in the government!
Another favorite of mine is myself as a journalist in Cuba, I get kidnapped by Darth Vader but Vin Diesel saves me. I return to the US and have dinner with Jason Bourne. Oh that one’s fucking hilarious!
I’m tired. I have a migraine. I want to sleep for a week. I’m at the end of a two day manic episode and I need to decompose. There is nothing even remotely Simple about this Saturday. Blah. I need a drink, no scratch that I WANT a drink. As a matter of fact I would snatch a drink out of a priest hands at this point in the night. Did I say Blah?
So after this mornings fiasco, I was lucky because my son actually wanted to take a nap! He’s 3 and hasn’t taken a nap since he was about 2, we cut nap time out for him because if he does take a nap then he’s up until about 11 or 12 so I’ve just been dealing with the very long days with him. I know, I know he’s going to be but that’s okay, I really needed a nap. However, I wake up from my nap sick to my stomach and shaky as hell, my mind is humming and I’m still just so exhausted. I haven’t accomplished anything on my todo list today and I know my hubby is just so sick of me being like this, I’m sure he’d love to actually have a ‘normal’ mom for his kids instead of the insanity I bring to the table. I know I’m sick of the insanity I’m bringing to the table. I guess I should make myself do something, anything.
Today is a new day and with this new day, I awoke with an amount of anxiety I can not describe, almost as if it’s tearing it’s way out of my chest. Fear is there, blackness, exhaustion. I’ve decided to lay here on the couch and only get up when my son wants something or I have to pee which ever comes first. It’s such a nice day out but I don’t have the umph to get out there and squint from all that light, I am at this point longing for 9pm when it’s dark and I can hide in the darkness. I want to be alone but it’s impossible with children and I know in a couple hours my hubby will get up and expect certain things that I just don’t feel like doing today.
Then there’s tomorrow, my son has school and that means I have to actually join in with the population and that thought brings my anxiety level even higher. Maybe I could just hide in the crawl space, but I don’t dig spiders and there are all sorts in there. I need to dig a cave; a cave only for me to run to when I need to be alone and hibernate. I wonder if I was suppose to be a bear in this life and someone somewhere made a mistake and made me this alcoholic, bipolar, manic, depressed woman? That’s a bit of a huge mistake, don’t ya think?