I’m tired. I haven’t really slept in two days. My body feels pain from everything that is happening in the world. Destruction, chaos, hatred, and death. Why must we make life so complicated and why doesn’t life mean anything at all to so many?
Today I’m simplifying just one thing, love. Today I promise to show love in everything I do. I think that’s simple enough.
1) If you stroll along my blog and you find you hate me then push the X at the top right of your screen. Leave, don’t leave bulshit hate comments on my blog…they will be deleted because well because I can…(I’m referring to hate comments that have the words “You deserve to die because you are the worst person out there.” oh here’s a great smack in the face, “You’re a mother? You don’t deserve to mother anything, you need to sterilize yourself.”
2) America has enough on our plate, please don’t put anymore on my mine. (My opinion on us trying to do too much overseas) Look I live in a state where unemployment is at about 10% and just left a state where it was much higher and those are the numbers that are reported, not the actual numbers because some of us have quit looking. Lets solve America’s problems first before we take on other problems in countries that aren’t even ours.
3) Just because we are a democracy doesn’t mean our rules and freedoms go with us, unfortunately. 4) Again, I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. I have bipolar. Those are the facts, I don’t write bulshit on this blog, I do not write it to gain enabling attention and I do not deserve to die just because I am these things. Press the fucking X in the top right corner of your screen if Bats scares, intimdates, or offends you. And if you choose to not do that and still comment then speak to me as a human being not as the shit you wiped off your shoe the other day. And since you must have searched for one, two or all three of these things then maybe, just maybe you need to look in the damn mirror.
Gratitude is a powerful feeling. In light of the way the country is in right now, to feel gratitude about being an American comes few and far between. Notice I said feel in that sentence. I think a lot of us forget that we are very grateful to be (feel) free. Today I feel grateful for a few things.
1. For today, this minute I feel free from alcohol. To want a drink can be powerful in my mind but to hold that wanting and know how to get through the feeling safely and sober is even more powerful than the wanting feeling.
2. I am capable of feeling love to the degree that I would give anything for that feeling. For this, I have my children to thank for that. They have taught me without even knowing the feeling of unconditional love, trust, value, and honesty.
3. I have very few hobbies, things that take my mind out of darkness and enjoy moments of quietness, concentration, and laughter. I feel free to read what I like and even dislike. I know there are so many places on Earth that the people aren’t allowed or even have the materials to enjoy such a wonderful feeling. For this, I thank my Dad everyday of my life because of him instilling the feeling of wanting to learn, laugh, and seek information. Thank you Dad, for the ability to search our world for so many wonderful words.
This list can go on forever…what are you grateful to feel today? Let freedom ring!
These fabulous critters are eating my house. It’s ironic really. When I was 19 I got a job at a company called Senate Termite Control, at that time I lived and worked in VA. later on I moved to the MD office and worked there right up until about a month before I had my daughter. These damn critters seem to be following me. I have a huge respect for them, the way they are, how the colony works and how much damage they can cause to a person’s life and house. I’ve seen damage that you would not believe, just from these insects that look like little pieces of white rice. It’s also symbolic though, something so small has more control over my house then I do. They now fester my brain because I have no clue of how I am going to pay for the chemical so my hubby can treat the house. That’s one positive out of this, that my hubby is working there now again so he’ll just take care of this problem. I wouldn’t trust any other person to treat this problem and get rid of it for us. I still haven’t got the money together for the leaking water pipe and we are now officially two months behind in our mortgage which means foreclosure papers will arrive sometime around Christmas and that process will now begin.
It seems the only “Change” I’ll be getting out of the Obama stimulus package is a change in housing. But ho-hum right? I am so sick and tired of the back and forth arguments in our political system and just wish that they would figure out what they ‘think’ is best for us. HA! I want to go back to the time before 9/11 or actually I want to go back to 9/12/2001, because for just a small amount of time we actually cared about one another in this great nation, we cared when a neighbor was hurt, we cared enough to hold doors open for each other, hell we even cared enough to share the road in an appropriate manner.
But that’s not what this post is suppose to be about. It’s about the fact that I have no control over my life, what so ever. It just seems to have taken on a life of its own and it’s now out of my hands, something else is steering the course and I can’t figure out how to stop it or gain control to slow it down enough so I can jump off.
Last night I sat right where I am right now this minute with a bottle of Crown Royal in my hands, the top was on. I just couldn’t bring myself to take the top off and take that long swig that I so wanted. I imagined the warmth of the whiskey while I would swallow it and the buzzing effect that my brain would feel and then my brain shutting down only concentrating on another swig and another. But I put it back in the bar knowing that there isn’t enough alcohol in this house to satisfy the craving I have. It would take a whole liquor store to turn my brain and feelings into rocks. Instead I went to bed but didn’t sleep just stared at the ceiling fan that wasn’t on because we can’t afford to run it right now.
I need control over my life, I need to get it back. I have to go pace.
Today is obviously our day to honor those whom protect us and our Old Glory’s freedom. Today we bow our heads for those brave soldiers whom have given the ultimate price so we remain a free country, so we can have “The American Dream” in our lives everyday, so we don’t have to feel fear when we go to sleep at night or awake in the morning.
I have a Veteran that has been in my life from the time I was born. He taught me respect for our Flag, Arlington National Cemetery, our Armed Forces, and most of all Freedom. He served two tours of duty in Vietnam and has never once asked for anything in return for it, “Sweetie, I did it because it needed to be done,” was his reply when I asked why he would go to war and possibly sacrifice his own life. He brought back many memories from Vietnam and I am proud that he has shared some of those memories with me, I am proud that he ‘did what needed to be done’ for me, my children; for you, and your children. I love and respect America because he taught that respect to me and always told me to hold that love close to my heart because there is no other place in the world as beautiful, gracious, noble as this country.
I love you, Dad! You have and always will be my Hero.