It’s Friday & I’m The Most Frustrated I’ve Ever Been

Howdy.  My post is quite late, I know. I’ve been trying all week to get my supposed Psychiatrist (whom I have yet to even meet) to fill my prescriptions.  Finally today right before the pharmacy closed, I was able to get them to call them in.  It should not take almost two weeks to get this done.  And now Monday I have to start intensive outpatient treatment for substance abuse, I have no clue what this entails because no one will answer my questions.  I’m just told “If you don’t do it then you don’t see the doctor or get your meds, so it doesn’t matter what it entails.”  Hell I haven’t even met my doctor yet!!!!  Yup, this is the public mental health help that is available in my state.  Quite honestly I’m almost to the point that I may just pay out-of-pocket to see a doctor and get actual help.  I’m sick of being talked down to and feeling degraded just because I have a mental health issue and am alcoholic.  It took a lot for me not to scream into the phone “FUCK YOU!” at the woman today, it took a whole damn lot.

I’m the most frustrated I’ve ever been.


Tegretol Sent Me So Far Over the Edge I’m Lucky to be Blogging

I thought Tegretol would be the answer to the racing thoughts, no sleeping, no eating, the extreme mania and depression I was in but it wasn’t; it sent me so far over the edge I’m lucky to be blogging right now.

I just got home yesterday from a 13 day stay at a county psychiatric hospital, which just so happen to also be my 38th birthday.  I’ll name the hospital in a later post because I can tell you even where I was at emotionally I could tell the county of the state I am in is failing miserably with mental illness help.

*UPDATE*  I will not be naming the hospital.  I do not want anyone to feel as though they can’t go for help.  It’s important that if you feel out of control emotionally to seek help as soon as possible.  You can do this by dialing 911 or the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 and they will point you in the correct direction and help you through it.  You are not alone.

Tegretol made me want to die so much that if I didn’t go to the ER room I would be dead right now.  I put my kids on their buses that morning and gave them extra hugs and kisses with the intent that I would never see them again at least, not on Earth.  In the ER they were extremely helpful, compassionate, and understanding.  They chose to admit me to a county hospital (involuntarily) to get me off Tegretol and Trazodone, also find something to help me out with the chemical imbalance that’s going on in my noggin.  After 13 days, I’m now on Depakote, Vistaril, and Thorazine.  I have an appointment with a psychiatrist that they found for me and am hopeful that doctor can help me out more then what the psychiatrist that I was seeing could.  You know she knew I was going to the ER because of wanting to die and she hasn’t called since to find out if I’m even alive.  Talk about a smack in the face, talk about not giving a shit about another human being.

Anyway I just wanted to pop in and say Hi.

I’m so lucky to be blogging right now.

It’s Friday & It’s All About the Moolah

Monster = Bipolar Disorder
Money = I have no more, now. 

Went to see the shrink today and I now have no more money.  Why because not only did she charge me for my usual appointment fee but she also decided she had to charge me for the 9 minute conversation we had on the phone last week.  Yeah, that was conversation where she decided Risperdone was what I needed that almost landed me in a psych ward.  Total cost today, not including a new prescription to yet another med that will probably cause me hell, was close to 500 hundred dollars.  Ummmm….I’m in awe about this and a little pissy.  Seriously.

Anyway, she started me on Tegretol.  Which I’ve taken before.  I had walked up in there with my old bottles of everything that I was on before I stopped taking it because I couldn’t afford medication.  Now I understand why I can’t afford medication because I have to pay the damn doctor to get the medication!  Why she won’t prescribe all 4 of the medications that worked in the past for me is totally beyond me.  “Well you seem to have a sensitive system and I don’t want to overload it.”  But I was on all of these before????

I literally paid someone 500 hundred dollars for a prescription that cost me 4 bucks.  I feel like I’m getting scammed here.

I mean seriously scammed.

It’s depressing.

It makes me anxiety ridden.

It gives me a headache.  Oh wait that might be from the Tegretol or Trazodone.  Nope I’m pretty sure it’s from my now almost empty bank account.

And doctors wonder why people with mental conditions self medicate. Sigh.

What Bipolar Disorder Is

Bipolar Disorder to me is very simple. It is an emotional disorder. Every single day of our life we experience events that trigger some kind of emotion. Everybody experiences these emotions an act accordingly, if something is funny, you laugh, if something is sad, you cry, if something is painful, you hurt…etc. Someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder does not have the ability or the “filter” to control their emotions… a simple giggle to you may trigger a roaring, fall on the floor, hysterical laughter from someone who suffers from bipolar, the loss of a beloved pet may bring tears to your eyes, to the sufferer, despair. You can hug someone in friendship, and we hug for love. We are emotional extreme, there is NO gray area, no middle ground, no safe area… It’s all or it’s nothing. People can look at our bizarre behavior, and not understand it, sometimes they label us as quirky, odd or crazy.   Add to the mixture the Manic and Depression episodes and we lose whatever was left of our self-esteem, reputation and our ability to trust our own mind. To add insult to injury, we are shunned by our family, friends and co-workers, denied proper medical help, laughed at, humiliated and quite often left alone to fight these demons.

Yes Bipolar Disorder is very simple… it’s the journey that’s difficult.


Hell On Earth

Good news…I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 weeks.

Bad news…I’m in hell…Hell on Earth.

When I last posted; I posted that I was going to see a doctor about getting back on meds so I can get some relief from my Bipolar Disorder.  She tried say I had been misdiagnosed and I am actually ADHD and prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone.  I had a horrible reaction to what we believe was the Zoloft so she now believes me when I say I AM Bipolar.  She decided to put me on Risperdone and Trazodone.  I stopped taking the Risperdone because I had a horrible reaction to that and couldn’t take it anymore.  I literally think this women is trying to kill me.

I feel unsafe, all of the time now.  I’m scared to be alone with my kids, I’m scared to be alone, I’m scared to be with people, and I can hardly leave my house.

I need help.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m in hell…Hell On Earth.