What’s The Point?

What IS the point?  I mean when you have an addiction and mental illness that basically rule and discipline your life then what is the point?

You’re an addict to your ways.  You can’t escape the habit, the inferno in your heart that you have to do what you do everyday.  Does that make sense?

Then you have an illness that isn’t visible so no one can see or hear your pain.  You try to heal the pain by FDA approved medication but that just gives you more hell.  Like being a zombie all the damn time.  Not even being able to thing.  Losing your damn hair.  Just wanting darkness and hating the light.  Your skin blisters in the sun or peals non stop. You need energy but yet can’t get it because the medicine is made to bring you so far down you don’t compromise your life.

Not to mention the people in your life don’t get how extreme this silent illness is.  They just ignore it.  They just act like it doesn’t exist.

They just act like you don’t exist.

So I ask again, what is the point?

The point is…the sun, the moon, books, smiles, crying, anxiety, the smile from my 12 year old because she knows how smart she is, the laugh of my 8 year old because he thinks he said something funny, having great sushi, reading even though you feel guilty.

But yet…I have an addiction to alcohol…coupled with a mental illness.

I’m having a hard time finding freedom and happiness.  Once again, I’ve found the black hole.


Popping Pills From a Pez Dispenser

Went to my quack doctor yesterday.  He decided that since it’s after the New Year that hey lets up my medication.  Ummm I’m not liking this one bit.  Feeling pretty loopy, nauseous, tired, dizzy and just plain blah.  I’ve decided I don’t want to be Bipolar any more, I’ll just stick with being an alcoholic and a bitch for a week once a month but this Bipolar thing isn’t going to work out for me. 

I am now suppose to take 500 mgs of Tegretol a day which is just a tad more than I was taking but that rise and him upping my Cogentin 5 mgs a day just makes me feel like I’m walking on marsh mellows all of the time but he claims that I just can not keep going with no sleep, he claims that without this rise in my meds that I’ll be either a drunk bum or in a psychosis by summer.  He handed me my prescriptions and I just nodded and agree thinking that I’ll do what I want with them anyway.  I have a hard enough time remembering to take my meds 3 times a day and now it wants me to remember it 4 times a day! 

Anyway my point is I’m not going to be Bipolar anymore…don’t you wish it was that easy, to just decided to not have a mental disorder, emotional disorder or just quit being screwed up in the head…you know just snap your fingers and it all goes away.  I think they need to do some research on that and help solve all our problems that way.

Snap…I’m normal.  HA!  I wish.