Chaos

Chaos is stupid.  Chaos is what I live in.  I’ve come to the realization that I’ll always shake from anxiety, depression, and mania.  There is no treatment for what I have, no cure.

I don’t know.  I hate coming here because I never have anything positive to say, anything happy to share.

I’m sorry.  I’ve had this blog a very long time and yet still…it’s just chaos.

Keep It Simple Saturday

Hello.  My name is Bats and I’m a bipolarized alcoholic.  And no bipolarized is not a real word, I own it and have rights to it. HA! No really but it’s hard to start a post out like that.

I hate being Bipolar and I hate being an alcoholic.

I hate loving alcohol more than anything else in the world.

I hate the fact that every couple weeks I feel manic, uncomfortable, crazy.

I hate the fact that after feeling manic, I hate myself so much that I think the world would be better without me.

I hate the fact that I self medicate with alcohol.

I love the fact that I can admit all of this.

I love the fact that I have this website where I can admit this at.

I love the fact that (to a point) I am safe here.

I am GRATEFUL for little things; like a cup of decaffeinated coffee or a sigh from my dog.

I am GRATEFUL for the moon because it makes me feel comfortable.

I am GRATEFUL because this post can be called Keep It Simple Saturday and there was nothing simple about it.  I guess that actually means I am GRATEFUL for tolerance.

 

I Feel Defeated

It’s 5:22 am here and as you can see I’m not sleeping.  Why am I not sleeping?  Because I haven’t slept well in 3 nights.  Why haven’t I slept well?  Probably because I’m hypomanic which means in about a day or even later today I’ll be full blown manic.  Here’s an infographic:

I rarely ever hit that middle mark and that’s pretty much what I’m striving for at this point.  I believe I’ve either been hypomanic or moderately depressed for sometime.  To hit full-blown severe mania puts me into panic like no other so I don’t enjoy it like most people with Bipolar Disorder and well severe depression…puts me into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts and actions. Both cause me to self-medicate if not on a mood stabilizer prescribed by a doctor.  My problem is I can’t find a mood stabilizer that the doctors are prescribing to work for more than a week. When I first was diagnosed, I had found my miracle cocktail right off the bat but it seems to me as I get older and my hormones shift, it’s not going to be as easy any longer.  At least I have an appointment this Friday and I can say that we need to tweak the medication; hopefully I won’t be full-blown manic by then, I don’t have much faith in that though because I know my body and I know what it’s telling me.

I don’t believe I’ll ever feel the wonderfulness of the middle.  I feel defeated.

 

I am Helpless!

 

I throw my hands up in the air.  I am helpless.  My name is Countess Bats and I am an alcoholic.and I have a mental disorder called Bipolar.  I gave up my program many months ago,  I gave up two different programs many months ago, hell…maybe even three!

Look…if you are here seeking sobriety, wisdom, or sanity…leave now because I don’t have any of those.  I lost them when I relapsed.  That’s the normal for me;  I am the Countess of Relapse.

I am completely Helpless and I can guarantee that I will lose everything because of alcohol and Bipolar Disorder.  I can guarantee that unless I seek help, unless I want help…I will lose everything.

Look…if you have Googled alcoholism and/or bipolar disorder then maybe you need to think about yourself ; or the loved one you opened Google for.

Where do I send you to? AA or WFS.  Please go.