What’s The Point?

What IS the point?  I mean when you have an addiction and mental illness that basically rule and discipline your life then what is the point?

You’re an addict to your ways.  You can’t escape the habit, the inferno in your heart that you have to do what you do everyday.  Does that make sense?

Then you have an illness that isn’t visible so no one can see or hear your pain.  You try to heal the pain by FDA approved medication but that just gives you more hell.  Like being a zombie all the damn time.  Not even being able to thing.  Losing your damn hair.  Just wanting darkness and hating the light.  Your skin blisters in the sun or peals non stop. You need energy but yet can’t get it because the medicine is made to bring you so far down you don’t compromise your life.

Not to mention the people in your life don’t get how extreme this silent illness is.  They just ignore it.  They just act like it doesn’t exist.

They just act like you don’t exist.

So I ask again, what is the point?

The point is…the sun, the moon, books, smiles, crying, anxiety, the smile from my 12 year old because she knows how smart she is, the laugh of my 8 year old because he thinks he said something funny, having great sushi, reading even though you feel guilty.

But yet…I have an addiction to alcohol…coupled with a mental illness.

I’m having a hard time finding freedom and happiness.  Once again, I’ve found the black hole.

 

WRAP ~ Wellness Recovery Action Plan

Sorry I haven’t  responded to comments.  I’ve been doing research about Anxiety, Panic, and Bipolar Disorder.  I’ve come across a great article about something we all can do whether we are challenged with a mental condition (see Tom I’ve been listening to your comments) or not.  It’s about knowing ourselves and what we can do (with help) to deal with the stress in our lives; again whether or not we have a mental condition.

Here’s an excerpt from the article and a link (and it’s from a reputable source):

The Wellness Recovery Action Plan – WRAP

Mary Ellen Copeland PhD is the designer of the Wellness Recovery Action Plan, which aims to provide people with a serious mental illness some control over their wellness and recovery. Many centers now teach this plan to people with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses.

The WRAP requires planning ahead both for what wellness looks like and for what illness looks like. This can be done on your own but can also be done with the support of friends and family. There are five sections to a WRAP plan: Daily Maintenance, Triggers, Early Warning Signs, Getting Worse and Crisis Planning.

How Can a Wellness Recovery Action Plan Work ~ Healthline.com

Go, read, enjoy, try to take action.  Above all know that someone, somewhere is dealing with the same issues you are; hell maybe even right next door.  I can guarantee you that most likely I’m dealing with the same issues you are, so if you need me; let me know.  It helps me to help you.

What Bipolar Disorder Is

Bipolar Disorder to me is very simple. It is an emotional disorder. Every single day of our life we experience events that trigger some kind of emotion. Everybody experiences these emotions an act accordingly, if something is funny, you laugh, if something is sad, you cry, if something is painful, you hurt…etc. Someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder does not have the ability or the “filter” to control their emotions… a simple giggle to you may trigger a roaring, fall on the floor, hysterical laughter from someone who suffers from bipolar, the loss of a beloved pet may bring tears to your eyes, to the sufferer, despair. You can hug someone in friendship, and we hug for love. We are emotional extreme, there is NO gray area, no middle ground, no safe area… It’s all or it’s nothing. People can look at our bizarre behavior, and not understand it, sometimes they label us as quirky, odd or crazy.   Add to the mixture the Manic and Depression episodes and we lose whatever was left of our self-esteem, reputation and our ability to trust our own mind. To add insult to injury, we are shunned by our family, friends and co-workers, denied proper medical help, laughed at, humiliated and quite often left alone to fight these demons.

Yes Bipolar Disorder is very simple… it’s the journey that’s difficult.

 

I am Helpless!

 

I throw my hands up in the air.  I am helpless.  My name is Countess Bats and I am an alcoholic.and I have a mental disorder called Bipolar.  I gave up my program many months ago,  I gave up two different programs many months ago, hell…maybe even three!

Look…if you are here seeking sobriety, wisdom, or sanity…leave now because I don’t have any of those.  I lost them when I relapsed.  That’s the normal for me;  I am the Countess of Relapse.

I am completely Helpless and I can guarantee that I will lose everything because of alcohol and Bipolar Disorder.  I can guarantee that unless I seek help, unless I want help…I will lose everything.

Look…if you have Googled alcoholism and/or bipolar disorder then maybe you need to think about yourself ; or the loved one you opened Google for.

Where do I send you to? AA or WFS.  Please go.

 

I’m Paralyzed

And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery.  I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long.  I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel.  I am so alone.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know how to feel.  I just really want to die.  I just really want…someone to care.  At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry.  I used to be so strong and I lost that.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?

I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out.  Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again?  Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right?  I don’t know.  I just know I hurt.

My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic.  I am trying so hard to stay alive.