What’s The Point?

What IS the point?  I mean when you have an addiction and mental illness that basically rule and discipline your life then what is the point?

You’re an addict to your ways.  You can’t escape the habit, the inferno in your heart that you have to do what you do everyday.  Does that make sense?

Then you have an illness that isn’t visible so no one can see or hear your pain.  You try to heal the pain by FDA approved medication but that just gives you more hell.  Like being a zombie all the damn time.  Not even being able to thing.  Losing your damn hair.  Just wanting darkness and hating the light.  Your skin blisters in the sun or peals non stop. You need energy but yet can’t get it because the medicine is made to bring you so far down you don’t compromise your life.

Not to mention the people in your life don’t get how extreme this silent illness is.  They just ignore it.  They just act like it doesn’t exist.

They just act like you don’t exist.

So I ask again, what is the point?

The point is…the sun, the moon, books, smiles, crying, anxiety, the smile from my 12 year old because she knows how smart she is, the laugh of my 8 year old because he thinks he said something funny, having great sushi, reading even though you feel guilty.

But yet…I have an addiction to alcohol…coupled with a mental illness.

I’m having a hard time finding freedom and happiness.  Once again, I’ve found the black hole.


Hell On Earth

Good news…I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 weeks.

Bad news…I’m in hell…Hell on Earth.

When I last posted; I posted that I was going to see a doctor about getting back on meds so I can get some relief from my Bipolar Disorder.  She tried say I had been misdiagnosed and I am actually ADHD and prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone.  I had a horrible reaction to what we believe was the Zoloft so she now believes me when I say I AM Bipolar.  She decided to put me on Risperdone and Trazodone.  I stopped taking the Risperdone because I had a horrible reaction to that and couldn’t take it anymore.  I literally think this women is trying to kill me.

I feel unsafe, all of the time now.  I’m scared to be alone with my kids, I’m scared to be alone, I’m scared to be with people, and I can hardly leave my house.

I need help.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m in hell…Hell On Earth.