No Negotiation, I’m Shit Out of Luck

I received a call VERY early this morning that my job is in jeopardy.  You’ll have to pardon me for being very vague at this point about it because I’ve been instructed not to discuss it and even though I’m anonymous online, I can not take the chance that someone run by this and make it that much worst for me.

We always listen to the jobs report and when it’s bad, that’s straight forward to us and although crushing, we pretty much expect it at this point in the game with the American economy.  However when we pay attention to it and the numbers look good, or at least not horrible and they represent that we added jobs, we tend to not think that with every job added, someones was taken away.

It’s very hard to explain what my job is so I won’t try but what I will tell you is that if the company feels your job isn’t worth the amount you get paid, then there is no room for negotiation and you pretty much are shit out of luck.

I was told this morning that I probably am shit out of luck.

Fine

Last night I sat down on my porch to do a little much deserved and desired reading.  I haven’t opened a book or touched my Kindle in a long damn time.  Next to writing, reading is another favorite past time of mine.  About 10 minutes into Unbroken:  A World War II Story of Survival, Resillence, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand , not quite long enough to really start enjoying the words and meanings; people start walking by and in this neighborhood you have to ask the question, “Hi, how are you doing?”  I don’t normally ask; normally I just wave and say hi because when I go walking, I want to go walking and not stop every 10 minutes for the same conversation.  Most people do ask though because they want to know why it is they haven’t seen you about or why it is you haven’t worked on your spring time vision feasts of your yard.  So I realize after the first 5 people, I’m not going to get much reading done and should’ve carted my Kindle, my butt, my coffee, and thoughts to my back deck.  What’s the politically correct answer to that question?  “I’m Fine.”  Around the 10th person, I felt like just finally stewing it up HOWEVER I didn’t. 

But I so wanted to answer the question with,

“You know, I’m doing pretty shitty.  I want a case of beer, a bottle of vodka, some valium to throw in there and you know I’m sick of being unemployed with no health care.  I’ve been having nightmares of planes crashing into huge buildings and people screaming their heads off as they jump off the top of those huge buildings.  I’m sick of having bipolarized alcoholic thoughts.  I’m sick of feeling like I’m in a horrible Desperate Housewives episode.  I wish everyone would pick up after their dogs because I’m sick of doing it for you.  I’m sick of watching everyone around me break the rules when I try so hard to follow them.  I’m not working on my house because I don’t have the money to do it but don’t worry before you die I’ll be sure to stick a flower somewhere in my yard for color and no I’m not the one who drives the damn Lexus, I don’t even drive so you all can stop discussing a car that doesn’t belong to me and why it is I could possibly have one when you don’t.  You know I’m wondering if you could do me a favor?  Can you take that knife out of my back?  It’s getting a little uncomfortable.” 

I would love to see their mouths drop open and hit the curb, honesty can stir this neighborhood up, I’ve seen it happen.  Hell my honesty HAS stirred this neighborhood up before and no one knew how to deal with it; however this time I stayed with the correct answer and just said, “I’m fine.”

For Today I Survived…

I didn’t graduate highschool, big surprise huh?  I was expelled out of the public school system and placed into a “short bus” school for well…being out of control.  Was I out of control or was I in a 5  year manic episode? I dunno.  Good question though.  But hear me out…

I spoke recently about when I was 12.  I spoke about the severe turmoil that entered my life and defining it so dramatically.  But what I didn’t speak about was what my thinking became like.  In AA there’s that good ol saying “Live One Day At A Time” and even so many years before my first AA meeting that’s one thing that I had to instill in my head, in my life.  I survived today and repeat the same process the next day, that’s what my life became; how can I stay alive and well for today?  How do I survive today? 

When I was smaller my dream was to become a veterinarian but when I started my survival thinking that dream was put on a back burner and I didn’t realize that when you live like that, you forget you had goals and dreams because your goal becomes living one day at a time.  You forget you need an education to be successful, not necessarily when your 17 and moving out of your parents house but to grasp taking care of yourself financially, and taking care of what you want to be when you grow up.  So when I dropped out of highschool my brain didn’t send the red flags that I needed to remind myself that in order to have a career that you want to do, in order to be whatever you wanted when you grew up, you needed an education, you needed the diploma and a college degree.  I thought I was doing fine as long as I was still breathing and surviving.  So when I got a tax paying job when I was 19 (my first job that wasn’t illegal), I didn’t put the thought together that I needed to still carry on my education so later in life I could be whatever I wanted to be, I could be a successful business woman or a veterinarian.  I started that job and ended up working 60 hours a week until I turned 26 and had my daughter.  I made sure I had no time to worrying about any day other than the one right now.

I’m now learning since both my children are in school that since there’s no college education, no diploma; there’s no job.  I’m now learning and being reminded of my past that my thinking has been screwed up so much that I just don’t know how to even get started with fixing any of my mistakes.  I’m now a nobody; no job, no successful business woman, no veterinarian, no American dream. 

By screwing up my thought process even at such a young age, I’ve screwed up my whole life.