I am so Fucking Scared…

My mother might be going into the hospital because they think her feeling bad is psychosomatic.  This is literally what I have to look forward to in life.  My mom was diagnosed as manic-depressive when I was twelve; we all know that means Bipolar Disorder now.  My mother is fucking crazy, y’all.  She once made me try to cut my father with a knife.  She hates me and well frankly everyone.

Please I pray…to not be like her.  Please tell me that I am okay in my brain, that my mind will always be better than that.

Please I pray that you all do not hate me.

 

It’s Friday & In Which I Answer Cindy’s Questions

Recently I commented on a blog post written by Cindy Zelman over at The Early Draft about my panic with cars and Cindy had loads of questions for me.  See, Cindy is challenged with panic attacks also and has learned how to manage them effectively in her life so she can be happy.

Here was my comment:

“I don’t even drive because of the panic attacks. So kudos to anyone who is able to drive!!! As a matter of fact just being a passenger is becoming a problem for me. It’s getting harder and harder to handle the fight or flight response in my body, it’s getting harder to just not jump out of the car…”

And now I’m answering all of her questions she had for me.  Read on…

I’m not sure I have your first name so I’ll call you “Bats.”

Sounds like a plan. My online presence for the past (I think) 12 years, has been Bats so I prefer it that way. Thank you for being comfortable with that.

I was wondering if you could tell me more about yourself. Maybe your blog would address my questions, and I hope to look there at some point soon.

My blog is the best place to go to know all about me. Over the past 4 years I’ve placed what I’ve gone through with my mental illness and alcoholism on my blog with some gaps because occasionally I isolate and don’t have the energy to keep going for months at a time. But I do the best I can do and place it out there with cold, hard, honesty in hopes that just one person will not feel so alone in their day to day challenges or gets some kind of help from it.

I’m wondering how old you are,

I just turned 38 in January.

how long you’ve been suffering with panic attacks,

My first panic attack was when I was 17 years old. I didn’t have another one until I was 26, after I had my daughter.

what other ways you are debilitated by them aside from being in a car, and if you are getting any kind of treatment – counseling, prescription drugs, cognitive-behavioral therapy.

The car is the major one because I’m unable to drive or even to obtain a license at this point but lets see; grocery stores, doctors offices, elevators, malls, my kid’s soccer games; you name it, I feel immense anxiety over it at this point. It’s worst now then it has ever been in my life and gets worst by the day. It’s so bad now that I’ve actually started having panic attacks at the one place I thought I was safe from them, my home.
Unfortunately because I am uninsured and not able to afford counseling, CBT therapy or anything else out there that would help; it’s just not an option so I live with it the best I can. As far as prescription drugs go, no psychiatrist will ever prescribe them to me because of my addictive personality, I’m an alcoholic and believe me I’m very honest about it with doctors just so they don’t try to give them to me because I can guarantee you I would fall in love with drugs like that VERY easily.

Where you are with your panic is a place I’ve been, I think. Although I will always live with this illness (and it is an illness, a biological one), I have found ways to manage it so I can do most things now and enjoy them, where once I couldn’t do anything. I would like to hear your story.

Knowing that someone else has been through what I’m going through with it and survived, is a huge hope for me. I just want to not feel anxious all of the time. I just want to enjoy outside again. I’m sick of feeling sick and panicky just to go to my kid’s soccer practices and games, school functions, or just to take them to the playground. I want to be able to drive my daughter to everything she wants to do but can’t because Mom can’t get her there. I want to be a Mom to my kids other than around the house. I know this isn’t a normal life, it’s not what I want for my kids or for myself.

Thanks Cindy (and everyone else reading) for caring enough to ask, read, and not judge.

 

Moody Monday

Mood:  Anxious.  Okay almost into down right panic.

Panic!!! 2

See I have to go get my medications today, which by the way I have no clue how I was able to talk the Psychiatrist I was seeing at the hospital I just got out of into refilling them but hey whatever works in life at this point in time.  He probably refilled them because I can’t just stop taking the damn things now that I’ve been on them for this long and doesn’t want a medical law suit, like I could afford a lawyer at this time in life.  Anyway, back to going to get my medications.  That means I have to get a ride and travel 45 minutes one way in a car and then back.  I have panic attacks in cars, every single time.  It sucks bat brains.  I’ve been anxious all morning and have pretty much worked myself into a frenzy about having to go do this.  Sigh.  I’m sick of worrying.  I’m sick of anxiety.  I’m sick of disorders to which there are no cures.  I’m sick of being sick.  I’m sick of having something wrong with me and I just know so is everyone else around me. Most likely they’re not but that’s the irrational thought process of my anxiety disorder.

It’s stupid and tiring.

“Mind Over Matter” & Mental Illness…

Nathan Feiles who writes a blog over at PsychCentral put together a list of 12 Things to do to Get Us Motivated When Depressed; maybe doing those things can help relieve depression or even jolt us out of it.

Here’s an excerpt:

Obviously, actively doing anything doesn’t sound so desirable when feeling depressed, let alone confronting our depressive urges head-on. While it’s important to give depressive symptoms their attention and get to understand and learn about what’s underlying the depressive episode, the concept of “mind over matter” can help create motivation when depressed. I have seen evidence with many people that creating a change in mindset with small, manageable, behavioral steps can change a whole experience of depression. For some it’s brought their symptoms entirely into remission. This doesn’t replace taking the steps to learn more about what’s causing the episodes, but these steps can help us move on with our lives while we continue to work on the underlying issues.

Source: PsychCentral.com

Now my question for all of you is, how do you feel about the ‘mind over matter’ saying when it comes to mental illness?  I feel like while it’s positive to get yourself doing something, it makes our illnesses seem like we should just get over it and live life and quite simply it’s not that simple.  I do want to add though that everything that Nathan suggests in this article should be at least tried 3 times, seriously.  We do need to try something when nothing else seems to be working.  Now your turn, weigh in.

 

I Feel Defeated

It’s 5:22 am here and as you can see I’m not sleeping.  Why am I not sleeping?  Because I haven’t slept well in 3 nights.  Why haven’t I slept well?  Probably because I’m hypomanic which means in about a day or even later today I’ll be full blown manic.  Here’s an infographic:

I rarely ever hit that middle mark and that’s pretty much what I’m striving for at this point.  I believe I’ve either been hypomanic or moderately depressed for sometime.  To hit full-blown severe mania puts me into panic like no other so I don’t enjoy it like most people with Bipolar Disorder and well severe depression…puts me into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts and actions. Both cause me to self-medicate if not on a mood stabilizer prescribed by a doctor.  My problem is I can’t find a mood stabilizer that the doctors are prescribing to work for more than a week. When I first was diagnosed, I had found my miracle cocktail right off the bat but it seems to me as I get older and my hormones shift, it’s not going to be as easy any longer.  At least I have an appointment this Friday and I can say that we need to tweak the medication; hopefully I won’t be full-blown manic by then, I don’t have much faith in that though because I know my body and I know what it’s telling me.

I don’t believe I’ll ever feel the wonderfulness of the middle.  I feel defeated.