Really challenged this morning with thoughts of just giving up.  I know money isn’t suppose to make the Earth spin but I’m out of it at this point, car insurance is due, phone, internet, just every bill is due and I have about $300 in the bank which doesn’t pay even one of those.  So I have to tell you if I go missing, it’s because I don’t have anyway to get online.  The only thing that is positive is that I don’t have anyway to buy alcohol but it also means I have no way to support my nicotine habit at this point so I’m going to be bitchy, hell I already am bitchy, annoyed, tired, depressed but manic at the same time and yes that is possible.  I just am in a down whirl spin emotionally.  Fucking sucks…

I Felt My Daughter’s Heart Today

I walked to the post office today to place what is the final try at keeping our house in the mail to a PO Box address in Ohio, the hardship letter with a letter from my husbands employer begging for more time, help to keep what belongs to our family in our family.  They should receive it tomorrow by noon.  All the power is now in their hands and so now we have to wait, wait for someone to decide if we can stay here (like we deserve) or if a sheriff needs to come and deliver foreclosure papers to us.  I received the paperwork the other day stating that if the mortgage company doesn’t receive the $5800 by January 10th, then the next step of foreclosure shall begin.

While I was placing everything in the envelope and getting ready to go, my husband and I were talking about how we could possibly come up with the money and we well have no options, more importantly though we had no clue our daughter was listening and she chimed in when I said to him that we need to sit down and discuss whether we want to stay here in this town or move closer to his homebase office.  “We have to move from our house?  I don’t want to move, I want to stay in my school with my friends.”  Tears streamed down her face and it was like all her happiness and comfortness in the world escaped with those tears, you could see my child go from happy, to sad and then finally panicked all in the course of those two sentences.  My husband then got up and walked from the room and you could tell by the slump of his back and the sadness in his steps that he was indeed crying.  I went to my daughter and sat on the floor with her and with tears on the verge of escaping my own eyes and heart, I let her know that we don’t want to move and we are trying our hardest to stay here because I know how much her life here means to her because my life with her here means the same thing to me.

This is getting so incredibly hard.

I Made It Through The Black Hole

As you can see I am still here and I am still here SOBER and I guess that’s what really matters.  Yesterday was awful for me.  I felt like my life was closing in on me and closing in really fast.  I felt like I had to do something, anything to stop it but had no clue what that something, anything should be.  By afternoon I swore I was going to have to live in that black hole for the rest of my life, the panic was huge and scary.  I haven’t had a day like that in a long time.  I think the last time I felt that kind of panic was about 4 years ago and I woke up one morning and couldn’t find my daughter.  At the time she was only 4 and we have an above ground pool out back.  I ran around holding my son whom was a newborn at the time, clutching on to him because I felt if I let him go he would disappear also.  The good news is she wasn’t in that pool, the bad news was she was at a neighbor’s house getting her hair done.  Ummmmmmmm I know…why the hell that mother didn’t bring her home is beyond me but I tell you I felt such relief just to see her when that neighbor’s door opened from my vigorous rapping, well more like banging.  Yesterday, was like I was running around trying to make sense of everything and trying to find that something but I had no clue what it was I needed to find.  The panic took over every inch of my body and brain, my chest I was sure was going to explode right along with my head.

But I survived it and I survived it without the numbness of alcohol.  Somehow I knew the alcohol would only make the black hole bigger, wider, and more demanding.  I sware I was losing my mind or had lost it somewhere along the way.

My Decision on PayPal Donation Button

Good Morning my Dearest Readers.  After a lot of thought, pacing, and research, I have made my decision on adding a donation button to The She Chronicles.  But first, I would like to thank everyone whom participated in voting and all the comments that you made.  Without the readers of this blog, this blog wouldn’t still be here 1 year after I started it, so THANK YOU SO MUCH.

My decision is that I won’t be adding the button.  The main reason is after looking at our bank accounts, there is absolutely no way we can save this house…the bank has all the power now and there is no way I could raise enough money to be able to catch up, fix the leaking pipe, and get rid of the termites.  We should receive our foreclosure papers within the next three days and I would need to give my mortgage company in excess of $4000 for them to stop the process.  And before someone says be optimistic, miracles do happen…well, it’s just not possible.  They will foreclose, period.  So that’s that. 

I’m tired and I need to clean the house because my in-laws are coming tomorrow.