My Dad’s Not Speaking to Me


Understandable?  No.

See here’s the deal, he wants me to call my brother in Alabama.  You know the brother who decided his addiction was too powerful to stay away from the same people and places that got him shot, almost took his life off this planet.

A quote from the investigator in charge of the case:

“He’s lucky to be alive.”

The deal was: he goes back, I’ve got nothing to say to him and I’m sticking to it.

So now the one person in my life that I look up to, love whole heartily, is my hero;  isn’t speaking with me.  My Dad could die any day, not speaking with me.

This whole situation is just stupid, just like the addiction my brother is going through.  Just stupid.


Would you give up everything for true Freedom?

Today seems like the perfect day to talk about freedom; irony of the day talking about freedom while protesting SOPA/PIPA, even more ironic having your blog blacked out in support of that protest so nobody will be able to read or respond to this but hey that’s what makes it the perfect day to talk about it.

Alcoholics love their freedom; they love to be able to make the decision to drink themselves to death or not, just as long as WE get to make that decision and not someone else.  The funny thing is when I was drinking, in reality I had zero freedom; I gave up every freedom I had in order to get drunk every waking moment of every day.  I couldn’t live life because I had to drink, I had to have access to alcohol.  I scheduled my days and nights around alcohol, I scheduled activities around alcohol, heck I scheduled showering and eating around alcohol.

So when I went to detox and found out the only way I was going to get and stay sober was giving up every last bit of my distorted freedom, it’s fair to say, I was pissed off.  I didn’t want to live in what my mind was telling me was going to be jail; what I realize now is that I was already living in an insane asylum.  I gave up the right to have money, keys, thoughts.  I gave up the right to make my own decisions, I had to let someone else take the wheel for a while if I wanted to live.  I literally couldn’t trust my own self to shop for groceries because I knew that if I entered that store I was going to walk out with alcohol and start the whole ‘drink myself until I live in a blackout for two years’ thing again.  I had to do whatever deemed necessary to stay alive and if that meant taking my own picture to every liquor store in the county and tell them that if I came in to buy alcohol to not sell to me, another words embarrass the living shit out of myself, then so be it; I HAD TO LIVE.  I had to discover true freedom.

I’m here to tell you that I gave up freedom to gain true freedom and I’d do it again in a heart beat if I ever had to.

It’s Friday & I Say Suck It Ultimatums!

Ever since January 1st I’ve been listening to every person in my face to face life talk to me about willpower and the need to quit smoking.  I wish they would all stop.  If I hear, “You can do it, you need to do it. Just use a bit of willpower” one more time I may explode and start taking everyone out.  Okay that’s a joke so stop taking it so seriously but really I may explode.

But seriously…I’m the smoker and believe it or not I  know what I need to do and believe or not; I have no desire to quit smoking.  I know, I know….it’s bad for my health, it’s going to kill me, it’s no longer cool to smoke and yada, yada, yada.  To be quite frank; I couldn’t give two shits about any of that.  Do I enjoy smoking?  Hmmm that’s a good question.  I can tell you I don’t dislike it.  I can tell you I don’t wake up in the morning feeling like shit from it.  I can tell you also that I have zero amount of guilt for doing it.

I can also tell you that I can not stand ultimatums.  If someone says to me, “If you want this help then this is how it’s going to be”, I have the knee-jerk reaction of saying, “Screw you!  If I’m not good enough the way I am then so be it and you’re not worthy of being in my life.”  I’ve done that before.  When I was 17, my Dad told me that either it’s his way or the highway and guess what?  I chose the highway.  Sorry but that’s just my personality, it may be wrong, that may make you dislike me however that’s just me.  Maybe it’s my issue with authority and maybe it’s childish but I’m just like that when it comes to someone trying to tell me how my life needs to go.  So now I have to figure out what is the best way for me to deal with the ultimatums?  What’s the best for me?

Has someone in your life given you an ultimatum and how did you deal with it?  Are you like me and tend to see it as a slap in the face or do you follow along with it and do as they want from you?