Tag Archives: addiction

Fine

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Last night I sat down on my porch to do a little much deserved and desired reading.  I haven’t opened a book or touched my Kindle in a long damn time.  Next to writing, reading is another favorite past time of mine.  About 10 minutes into Unbroken:  A World War II Story of Survival, Resillence, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand , not quite long enough to really start enjoying the words and meanings; people start walking by and in this neighborhood you have to ask the question, “Hi, how are you doing?”  I don’t normally ask; normally I just wave and say hi because when I go walking, I want to go walking and not stop every 10 minutes for the same conversation.  Most people do ask though because they want to know why it is they haven’t seen you about or why it is you haven’t worked on your spring time vision feasts of your yard.  So I realize after the first 5 people, I’m not going to get much reading done and should’ve carted my Kindle, my butt, my coffee, and thoughts to my back deck.  What’s the politically correct answer to that question?  “I’m Fine.”  Around the 10th person, I felt like just finally stewing it up HOWEVER I didn’t. 

But I so wanted to answer the question with,

“You know, I’m doing pretty shitty.  I want a case of beer, a bottle of vodka, some valium to throw in there and you know I’m sick of being unemployed with no health care.  I’ve been having nightmares of planes crashing into huge buildings and people screaming their heads off as they jump off the top of those huge buildings.  I’m sick of having bipolarized alcoholic thoughts.  I’m sick of feeling like I’m in a horrible Desperate Housewives episode.  I wish everyone would pick up after their dogs because I’m sick of doing it for you.  I’m sick of watching everyone around me break the rules when I try so hard to follow them.  I’m not working on my house because I don’t have the money to do it but don’t worry before you die I’ll be sure to stick a flower somewhere in my yard for color and no I’m not the one who drives the damn Lexus, I don’t even drive so you all can stop discussing a car that doesn’t belong to me and why it is I could possibly have one when you don’t.  You know I’m wondering if you could do me a favor?  Can you take that knife out of my back?  It’s getting a little uncomfortable.” 

I would love to see their mouths drop open and hit the curb, honesty can stir this neighborhood up, I’ve seen it happen.  Hell my honesty HAS stirred this neighborhood up before and no one knew how to deal with it; however this time I stayed with the correct answer and just said, “I’m fine.”

It’s Friday & I’m Opinionated

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I’m opinionated this evening.  Here are a few:

1) If you stroll along my blog and you find you hate me then push the X at the top right of your screen. Leave, don’t leave bulshit hate comments on my blog…they will be deleted because well because I can…(I’m referring to hate comments that have the words “You deserve to die because you are the worst person out there.” oh here’s a great smack in the face, “You’re a mother? You don’t deserve to mother anything, you need to sterilize yourself.”
2) America has enough on our plate, please don’t put anymore on my mine. (My opinion on us trying to do too much overseas) Look I live in a state where unemployment is at about 10% and just left a state where it was much higher and those are the numbers that are reported, not the actual numbers because some of us have quit looking. Lets solve America’s problems first before we take on other problems in countries that aren’t even ours.
3) Just because we are a democracy doesn’t mean our rules and freedoms go with us, unfortunately.
4) Again, I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. I have bipolar. Those are the facts, I don’t write bulshit on this blog, I do not write it to gain enabling attention and I do not deserve to die just because I am these things. Press the fucking X in the top right corner of your screen if Bats scares, intimdates, or offends you. And if you choose to not do that and still comment then speak to me as a human being not as the shit you wiped off your shoe the other day.  And since you must have searched for one, two or all three of these things then maybe, just maybe you need to look in the damn mirror.

Okay carry on…

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

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Just a quick thought here before I start explaining this neighborhood.  If you manage a sales team or are a salesperson, the best book for explaining, understanding, and how to be ranked top in sales is definately by far Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Suess.  Seriously when I was working the owner of the company wanted his sales team to pick it up a notch so he had them all read this book, so I did also (at the time I had no kids) and holy canoli!  Sam I Am is the #1 salesman of all time!

Okay so why did I choose that to add to a post about this neighborhood and alcoholism?  Because man o man when women get together, well okay these women,  and there is only one person at the get together not drinking, they take it as time to hammer the hell out of that person to try this, try that, this and that, try this and that over here and over there.

So like I said in a previous post that we moved here in July last year.  We were excited about moving into a neighborhood with all the kids and the parents being same age as all of us, not to mention it’s in the second phase of construction and it being a planned community.  About a month here, we realized that even in the beginning phases it’s an incredibly cliquish neighborhood.  I don’t do well with cliques and I forgot how hard it was to try and enter any clique especially when women are involved and I also remembered I don’t particularly get along well with women.  (HA!)

There is myself and two other women whom just feel like we don’t belong but I found out yesterday that it’s not that they other two women don’t belong, they feel like I do; women are complete bitches when they want to be.  Hell atleast they get invited to all the parties and get togethers, not me though…I think I stink.  Anyway these two women which I’m going to refer to them as Rose and Pansy, and I  decided to get together, make cookies, and let our kids get all sugared up and enjoy it.  Right after I arrived, Pansy can later, so it was just Rose and I for awhile.  Anyway right after I arrived, Rose broke out the liquor, rum (Yum!).  I declined, just like I always do, “No not now, thanks though.”  She enjoyed though while I chugged down a soda, thank gawd for caffeine.  About an hour or two later the cookies, gingerbread house, and what ever other sugar items we could make, the three of us were sitting at the table; Rose with a glass of beer (good dark beer too, yum), Pansy with a bottle of wine and myself with a Dr. Pepper, the conversation turns toward me…

“You should try this beer, it’s locally brewed.”
“Naw, I’m all good.”
“Do you not drink?”
“No.”
“Oh we’ll have to let you try such and such drink that we learned to make in such and such country.”
I’m pretty good at just nodding and agreeing, ya I’ve got that down pat.

Since then I’ve had to turn down beer, wine, liquor no matter whom I get together with in this neighborhood.  I sware it’s everywhere here.  Just to go to the bus stop I have to prepare myself for some kind of conversation about alcohol or somehow it’s always worked into the conversation.  It’s overwhelming and currently I am living as a hermit, recluse to just stay away from it.  I know that no matter what I will sooner or later my brain will give in, and my heart won’t mind even though it means Bats will be living in a blackout for two years after. 

I know I haven’t explained it enough but I’m just not feeling up to alcoholic conversation right now.  I’m not manic, nor depressed but just feel like I am so emotionally gone right now. 

I’ll have to continue on another day…