Keep It Simple Saturday

Hello.  My name is Bats and I’m a bipolarized alcoholic.  And no bipolarized is not a real word, I own it and have rights to it. HA! No really but it’s hard to start a post out like that.

I hate being Bipolar and I hate being an alcoholic.

I hate loving alcohol more than anything else in the world.

I hate the fact that every couple weeks I feel manic, uncomfortable, crazy.

I hate the fact that after feeling manic, I hate myself so much that I think the world would be better without me.

I hate the fact that I self medicate with alcohol.

I love the fact that I can admit all of this.

I love the fact that I have this website where I can admit this at.

I love the fact that (to a point) I am safe here.

I am GRATEFUL for little things; like a cup of decaffeinated coffee or a sigh from my dog.

I am GRATEFUL for the moon because it makes me feel comfortable.

I am GRATEFUL because this post can be called Keep It Simple Saturday and there was nothing simple about it.  I guess that actually means I am GRATEFUL for tolerance.


Keep It Simple Saturday

Recently I’ve discovered that setting and keeping simple obtainable goals each day helps with keeping my mind in order.  Here’s what I do each day:

  1. Write down a simple, obtainable goal such as complete a crossword puzzle, or sweep bathroom floors, even make and enjoy beef stew.
  2. Complete that simple goal.
  3. Feel good about it.

There all done! And I’m not overwhelmed by some huge list of demands to my day that I know won’t get done because the list is too long.  This way I feel like I have actually accomplished something instead of looking at all the things I haven’t accomplished.

Keep It Simple people.

Plinky, You Move Me

Plinky asked me:

“Do you have a favorite quote that you return to again and again? If so, what is it, and why does it move you?”

I do. It’s:

“Liquor ceased to be a luxury, it became a necessity.”

It’s from the AA Big Book edition 5. However I don’t remember which page.

It moves me because it’s true in my life.

Powered by Plinky

It’s Friday & Yeah…Well…That Was a Waste of Time

So yeah…the supposed doctors appointment turned out to be an appointment for an outpatient program for substance abuse and only if I go to the program will I receive the much-needed psychiatric care that I was promised by the hospital.  I have absolutely no clue what the hell just happened but I know I walked in there hopeful but walked out feeling defeated, worthless, feeling like a waste of space.  The woman whom I had to deal with for my ‘intake’ (I know!  Whoa there, intake???) was the most unpersonable person I have ever had to deal with, she’s definitely working in the wrong field of employment for her personality.

So yeah…there wasn’t even a psychiatrist there to prescribe my medications.  So now I’m down to four days left of medications and have no clue what to do.  I’ve been brainstorming since 1 pm and have come up with nothing except maybe the ER might give me a prescription but I think they’ll just commit me to the same hospital I just got out of last week.

I’m confused and tired.

Now I ask you, what would a 20-year-old person do if they were in my situation and felt unstable, that their mental health wasn’t okay as is and then something like this happens???  I ask this to make a point, that it’s never been just about guns, video games or movies.  It’s about no one out there helping, no one giving a crap.  It’s about feeling desperate in your situation and just needing someone to turn to.

The mental health care system in the United States needs help badly, hell almost more than I do.  Now THAT’S ironic.

I Got What I Needed Out of That Meeting, I Hope She Did Too

In AL K Hall‘s i’ve never been to a bad meeting, but… he talks about how he went to a 12 Step Fellowship meeting he’d never been to before to find what he needed that day, in that moment, and through it he was thinking that meeting was a mistake but in the end he discovered it really was just what he needed.

But mostly i would not have been better off at home because my presence helped others. ~AL K HALL

This reminds me of a woman and a meeting I went to while in the hospital.  The woman was a heroin addict and was quickly named ‘Princess’ because everyone felt she thought she deserved so much more than everyone else.  Of course it didn’t help that she thought since she was a heroin addict that her addiction was far more worst than everyone else  including mine to alcohol.  She made it known on more than one occasion that her addiction trumped mine in so many ways.  I was fine with that.  She’s sick just like the rest of us but one day I’d just had enough and said “You know what?  I’m going to prove to you an addiction, is an addiction, is an addiction.  Get a doctor’s order and come to the AA meeting with me tonight.”  I walked away hoping that she would do as I suggested.  You needed a doctor’s order for everything when you are at a psych hospital, EVERYTHING!

She did get her doctor’s order and came with me, at first I thought it was a nightmare.  She wouldn’t be quiet and it was hard for the speakers to even get a word in edgewise, they were just trying to start the meeting…damn it.  You could tell everyone was frustrated but the speakers stayed polite, soft, and understanding and wouldn’t you know it?  We got through the meeting.  By the end of the meeting, I realized she needed the meeting and I needed her to be the way she was at the meeting.  In the course of that meeting, she taught me just a tad bit of patience, compassion, and understanding about others addictions and behaviors because of those addictions.

I got what I needed out of that meeting, I hope she did too.