Hell On Earth

Good news…I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 weeks.

Bad news…I’m in hell…Hell on Earth.

When I last posted; I posted that I was going to see a doctor about getting back on meds so I can get some relief from my Bipolar Disorder.  She tried say I had been misdiagnosed and I am actually ADHD and prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone.  I had a horrible reaction to what we believe was the Zoloft so she now believes me when I say I AM Bipolar.  She decided to put me on Risperdone and Trazodone.  I stopped taking the Risperdone because I had a horrible reaction to that and couldn’t take it anymore.  I literally think this women is trying to kill me.

I feel unsafe, all of the time now.  I’m scared to be alone with my kids, I’m scared to be alone, I’m scared to be with people, and I can hardly leave my house.

I need help.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m in hell…Hell On Earth.

 

Bipolarized Alcoholics Live Too

It’s been a hard week for this woman.  I don’t normally place my personal life about my children out there but the purpose of this blog post is to show you that while it seems my life revolves around alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder, it doesn’t but it sort of does.  Those are just two things in my life that I deal with but they are two things I deal with on a day-to-day basis.  What my world revolves around are my children, they are my heart and soul.  They pick me up when I’m too low to even care about myself anymore.  They are the reason why my heart beats 100 times too fast sometimes.  They are the reason why I can laugh too loud all of the time.

On July 7th at 7 am my youngest turned 7.  You would think that would be pretty darn lucky for the kid.  I took him to the beach for the day because all he wanted for his birthday was to swim in the ocean; well that and Pokemon cards.  On the 9th he started 2nd grade.  On the 10th he woke up sick as hell and his health has been dramatically going down hill since then.  He’s been to the doctors 3 times in this week.  Sunday night I called the doctor and let him know that look this kid is sick, we need to figure this out now, NOW damn it.  Not to mention we are one’s that don’t have health insurance, this has been incredibly costly.  Did you know the FDA made a decision that doctors can no longer give out free samples of medication?  For me that’s detrimental.  Just to pay to walk into a doctor’s office is incredibly costly but medication is even more costly, if you want the right medication.

Anyway, we spent the day yesterday at the doctor’s office and hospital.  Even in the course of all this drama and sickness, my son made every last person he met yesterday laugh and smile.  That’s just the type of person he is and I hope that for his whole life he stays that way.  I say this often and I’ll say it to you all too; I want to be like my son when I grow up.

Example:  the nurse is explaining to him why and how she’s going to take his blood, he’s never had his blood drawn before.

“How big is the needle?” he says.

“I’m going to use a baby needle on you, will that be okay with you?”

“Sure, but just to let you know dude, I may scream.” (Yes he called her dude, I wonder where he gets that from. 🙂 )

This nurse busted out laughing and said she appreciated his honesty.

Anyway after all of the testing the doctor phones me and lets me know I need to come back into his office and discuss the testing.  Sigh…I was sure he would just phone in a really expensive antibiotic since the one he is on now obviously isn’t working.  It turns out he has a lower respiratory infection that is viral and since he’s been pretty much healthy his whole life, literally I can not remember the last time he even had the common cold, his body is having a problem fighting it off.  I also learned that to have a viral infection in your lungs is one of the most dangerous infections for our body.  Think about it for a second, it’s trying to destroy this little boys lungs, this care free, hilarious little boy of only 7 has gone from not even having to think about breathing to struggling to do it.  So he’s on breathing treatments for right now and Tylenol for the fever and we head back into the doctors in two days.  If there is no progress with the breathing treatments, we’ll discuss hospitalization.

Uh…

So that’s where my mind is at, so that’s what I am doing, so that’s why I am a freak right now.

Now to the purpose of my post.

If I was drunk, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with this.  I wouldn’t have cared to even make any decisions or phone calls about this.  Much less be able to afford anything; which I can’t but I think you know what I mean.

Sometimes it’s good to be sober.

It’s Friday & A Memory

I think often, some would think this would be a great idea while others like myself wish it would stop.  Some memories are great like a hammock and a Jamaica sunset; while others are like the one I’m about to tell you.

Age doesn’t really matter here but to tell you kind of puts an umph on the impact that it has had on my mind, on my childhood.  I was 14 and you know when you’re a teenager your whole goal is to be as fast as the wind, as powerful as the ocean.  There was a hill in my neighborhood that was humongous, to ride a bike down it and reach the bottom was like starting out like a snail but ending up going mock 3 and that was the purpose to go as fast as you could, to be as fast as the wind of a hurricane.  Except on this day, somehow half way through I lost control, fell off the seat of the bike and landed on the bar of the frame, my knees were now dragging on the street and the pain was like blue flame going through my body, god it hurt so bad but I just wouldn’t stop.  I did stop though, at the bottom.  I stopped by hitting a car that was going down the street.  I wasn’t hurt by hitting the car and just as soon as I stopped I got up and ran home.

I don’t know what I was expecting at home but it sure wasn’t what I got when I walked through the door.  I had blood pouring out of my knees and tears streaming out of my eyes just as fast.  I was frightened and in pain, a physical pain that I had never knew existed.  I never expected that my mother would scream at me that I was so stupid for leaving my bike up at the hill and that blood was going all over the carpet.  I never expected that she would grab me by the arm and drag me into the bathroom, screaming at me the whole time that she was sick of my shit and to get my ass cleaned up NOW!  And I certainly never expected that when the driver of the car knocked on the door not to bitch about the scratch in the car door but to find out if this skinny, sad, painful looking little girl was okay. that my mother would smack me in the back of my head and yell for me to go to my room and not come out for dinner because I was getting none. 

I went to my room shocked and still bleeding because even at 14 I still had no clue how to fix my knees but I was resourceful and figured it out.  As I sat on my bed, still in blue flame pain, I realized that this was all there was to life, pain whether it was physical or emotional it was all life was going to be.  That night I took a bottle of my Dad’s whiskey,  a six-pack of beer, went out my window and to a house I knew that was abandoned.  We, the stupid, pitiful, good for nothing teenagers, went there to get drunk, smoke pot and do whatever else.  That night I tripped off LSD, drank whiskey, a six-pack of beer and had sex with two of my guy friends.  That night, nothing hurt, nobody called me stupid, and I didn’t have to think.

Bullying: Sticks and Stones by Alye Pollack

Remember school?  I do, most of it anyway.  Do you remember being bullied in kindergarten?  I don’t, bullying for me didn’t start until hmmmmmmmmm 4th grade.  Well sometimes in kindergarten, there’s this one kid….

My daughter was bullied in kindergarten, that one kid would steal her lunch money and let me tell you girls are even worst than that, their words can sting you like a wasp. My daughter has dealt with words like that since kindergarten and as a matter of fact she has dealt with it until we moved down here and she started in this school, this year has been great with her and she hasn’t had to deal with any type of bullying at all.  Before I go any further in this post I want to say sometimes words can hurt just as much as being pushed, slapped, and punched.  I found this video on You Tube, a girl named Alye Pollack made this video with the help of her parents.  I want to share this because when I watched it, it caught my breath.  It’s incredibly powerful, unique, sad, heart breaking and this girl deserves all of our attention when we watch it.  I introduce to you Alye Pollack, a beautiful girl who has to deal with pain and heart-break everyday of her life…


I got a call from the school last week, I go to answer thinking “oh shit, what happen?” Never thought it would be the school calling to inform me that my son had been in an incident with one of his classmates.
“Mrs. Bats, I’m calling to inform you of a situation we are handling right now. Your son has been assaulted by one of his classmates. Currently we don’t think he needs to go to the hospital or doctors but I want to warn you that it is something that we may need to do.” Uhhhhh what the hell?!? I didn’t end up having to take him anywhere but when he got home and I found out it was the same kid that’s been pushing him down in the sandbox and throwing sand in his hair and face, smoke came out of my ears, nose, mouth; okay pretty much every orifice I have on my body. I immediately set up a meeting with the school principal and teacher. Come to find out this kid is not only bullying my son but pretty much every kid, just depends on how bad his day is going. I don’t give a crud how bad his day is. If he lays another hand on my son, I will press charges on him for assault. The school is kindly sending my message along to him and his parents. I don’t care if he is 5 or 50 years old, don’t touch my son at all.

I have zero solutions to bullying, I have zero solutions to how many bad days kids are allowed before it escalates into major violence. I wish I did but I don’t.

My Work Here is Done, Carry On…

As you can see…I’m here.  I don’t know for how long though, Stinkpad really is struggling so I figure if I can type really fast and blow on the fan at the same time I might get to post on here.  So…

I learned two things yesterday.

1.  People in my neighborhood don’t think cloaks and seances are funny.  Now bare with me here (LOL!) a couple weeks ago the weather was nice and my husband was burning some debri in our firepit and the neighbors son was throwing some in (without permission but that’s a whole other topic) and well he didn’t do a fabulous job since he is five.  Our yard now has a huge burned circle in it, which btw the way another thing I have learned is apparently if you burn your lawn then the grass grows back great.  When I see it I’ll believe it.  So anyway joking with the neighbor I told them yesterday that not to worry, I need a circle so I can put on my cloak and do some seancing.  That so did not go in the direction I thought it would.  Me being sarcastic in nature and I guess my humor isn’t in tuned to whatever it’s suppose to be here, they took me serious and well…freaked out.  So I am now the werid lady that parents are telling their kids to stay away from, the werid hermit lady with cloaks and candles.  Wait till they see my chicken suit.  See that’s sarcasm at work there.  Seriously I do not own a chicken suit…yet.

2.  People here do not know what fondue is.  AND when encountered with what the heck is that?  It can be quite hard to explain what it is.  And here they thought us eating sushi was werid, nope it’s more strange to take a long fork and cook meat and seafood then dip it in sauce or cheese. 

So I now have made the perfect crazy lady model in the neighborhood.  Note to self…buy a cloak when I have some money.  Wait till this Halloween when I show them how much I enjoy that holiday…then and only then will they know how strange and exotic I can be.