What’s The Point?

What IS the point?  I mean when you have an addiction and mental illness that basically rule and discipline your life then what is the point?

You’re an addict to your ways.  You can’t escape the habit, the inferno in your heart that you have to do what you do everyday.  Does that make sense?

Then you have an illness that isn’t visible so no one can see or hear your pain.  You try to heal the pain by FDA approved medication but that just gives you more hell.  Like being a zombie all the damn time.  Not even being able to thing.  Losing your damn hair.  Just wanting darkness and hating the light.  Your skin blisters in the sun or peals non stop. You need energy but yet can’t get it because the medicine is made to bring you so far down you don’t compromise your life.

Not to mention the people in your life don’t get how extreme this silent illness is.  They just ignore it.  They just act like it doesn’t exist.

They just act like you don’t exist.

So I ask again, what is the point?

The point is…the sun, the moon, books, smiles, crying, anxiety, the smile from my 12 year old because she knows how smart she is, the laugh of my 8 year old because he thinks he said something funny, having great sushi, reading even though you feel guilty.

But yet…I have an addiction to alcohol…coupled with a mental illness.

I’m having a hard time finding freedom and happiness.  Once again, I’ve found the black hole.

 

22 thoughts on “What’s The Point?

  1. Staying in touch with the thing inside that keep you connected to the things outside is the key Bats. At least that’s what keeps me from seeking out the nearest high place to jump off of. But the darkness does tend to build and build over each long month, and with this one coming to an end, I’ll soon have cash I can use to “ease the pain” a bit, if just for a few hours… Jeez, I’m trying REAL HARD not to go there!

  2. Such a delight to see your name in my inbox. Such sorrow to hear how it hurts. I am glad you can find a “point” to it all. Life is good. Life is worth it. Thanks, so, for sharing. Wish we lived closer.❤ K

          • Loosely translated, the first one is called “Today, my life is shit”. The second one is about drowning… I thought they were appropriate. But also excellent.

            This is “Waiting Room” by Fugazi, from their 1988 classic album, ’13 Songs’… it’s about getting up.

            I am a patient boy
            I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
            My time is water down a drain

            Everybody’s moving
            Everybody’s moving
            Everything is moving,
            Moving, moving, moving

            Please don’t leave me to remain
            In the waiting room

            I don’t want the news
            (I cannot use it)
            I don’t want the news
            (I won’t live by it)

            Sitting outside of town
            Everybody’s always down
            (Tell me why)

            Because they can’t get up
            (Ahhh… Come on and get up)
            (Come on and get up)

            But I won’t sit idly by
            (Ahhh…)
            I’m planning a big surprise
            I’m gonna fight
            For what I want to be

            And I won’t make the same mistakes
            (Because I know)
            Because I know how much time that wastes
            (And function)
            Function is the key
            Inside the waiting room

            I don’t want the news
            (I cannot use it)
            I don’t want the news
            (I won’t live by it)

            Sitting outside of town
            Everybody’s always down
            (Tell me why)

            Because they can’t get up
            (Ahhh… Come on and get up)
            Up from the waiting room…

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