I’m The Countess of Vicious Cycles


Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are interesting.  I’ve learned that I’m fucked up.  I’ve learned that I’ll probably die drunk and I’ve learned that 4 out of 5 people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder think that everyone who won’t prescribe what they want can kiss their ass.

Personally, I’m the 1 out of 5.  I just want someone to fix the chemical imbalance in my brain.  I’d love a cure.  I’d love a treatment with no side effects.  I’d love to not want to die because I feel like a failure for being this way.

They keep telling me to pray and I keep screaming at THEIR higher power, “FUCK YOU!  WHY AM I LIKE THIS?”


But then I have days where the anxiety isn’t there, I don’t have shaking in my body, my brain works fine, and I think that just maybe…just maybe I’m not Bipolar.  I lie to myself about that.  My disease of alcoholism takes over and tells me it can cure everything that is wrong.

And then I start all over again.

It’s called a vicious cycle.  I’m the Countess of Vicious Cycles.

10 thoughts on “I’m The Countess of Vicious Cycles

  1. I’ve got bipolar disorder. For years I struggled with addiction, self medicating I call it. My drugs of choice were crack cocaine, powder cocaine and pot. It really fucked up my brain chemistry. I’m clean now and on a cocktail of meds that works for me, and being treated by a shrink. Still, there’s always a residual of the madness of bipolar that lingers, affecting my entire life. I was a nurse and cannot do that job anymore. Etc.

    There’s a book called Madness written by Marya Hornbacher. I highly recommend it.

    • Yes, self medicating. I’ve been doing it since I was oh very young. My drug of choice just so happens to be legal and pushed on you; okay half like cocaine.
      I’m sorry.
      You give me hope, that I love. Thank you.

  2. I have no answers. I have a brain that runs on its own rules. I can’t force it to do anything. But I can force myself to do something… anything… even when my brain doesn’t want to cooperate. I can keep it busy and distract it. Make your brain pull the cart like a donkey. Just keep flicking the reins and going… chkchkchk… you know, that noise with your tongue… or dangle a carrot on a stick and a string in front. Of course the donkey doesn’t want to pull the cart. You gotta make it.

  3. I think you would find it much easier to get your meds working for you if you could get your drinking under control. I admit to being predisposed to not liking the drinking (as I’ve told you before), but I also know my meds work much better if I don’t even have 1 drink ever. For me – have a drink + take my meds = nightmares! Nightmares interferes with my sleep cycles, causing more depression & screws up my meds. So if you got your body in the best place it can be, then you can decide if your meds are helping or not without outside interference.

  4. I’m not an expert at anything. But I have struggled, I am struggling now. Right now, I cannot seem to not be angry and it takes all the power that I have to not walk over to a particular post and write to a particular someone “how about you act as if we got married.” *snort* So I come over here and passively-aggressively do it here, lol. I feel like my head is going to explode with fury, and the worst of it is that I know it would not make a frickin’ lick of difference to say or do anything — there is no end to just how vicious that circle is. Just gotta let it go and let it die. No use in doing otherwise.

    So I get it. I get what it is to be in that seemingly neverending loop. It’s like living out the movie “Groundhog Day,” eh? Oy.

    I understand how much sheer strength it takes to just turn and walk from something that is not going to help in the long run.

    Hmmmm, another thought: something I am trying to do instead of fight is just give in. I mean, not to depression or suicide, but to the cycle. I mean, isn’t it a little like every cycle that we all live through, from the menstrual one to the cycle of the seasons? I’m just wondering if there is not a little bit of something to perhaps re-framing the cycle, and instead of investing so much hate into it, to working with it. Knowing it. Besting it because you know what to expect from it. It’s a little like strategizing and knowing the enemy, then working with the enemy to make it your ally instead of your foe. Then again, I just totally OD’d on Season Two of Game of Thrones, so maybe I just have that on the brain a little too much, haha.

    God what a beast, though. I understand the depression part of it so very much. Somehow, I have been released from a lot of it. I altered my chemistry with food, with not eating poisons like gluten and dairy protein. It’s not for everyone, but it sure as shit works with a lot of Autistic kids, whose chemistry and brains are very affected by it. It has been like taking a miracle cure for me.

    I know, I have let you know about it before. It’s not an easy cure, but it really worked for me to give me an edge to defeating my own vicious cycle. Having found it, it is not easy to shut up about it and not tell others, “Hey, look at the role of sugar, dairy, gluten and other food poisons of the mind.” I know, I sound like a nut. 😉

    Anywho — those are my thoughts and mini-rants. I’m glad you are posting. I miss you when you are not.

    Your friend,

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