I Feel Defeated

It’s 5:22 am here and as you can see I’m not sleeping.  Why am I not sleeping?  Because I haven’t slept well in 3 nights.  Why haven’t I slept well?  Probably because I’m hypomanic which means in about a day or even later today I’ll be full blown manic.  Here’s an infographic:

I rarely ever hit that middle mark and that’s pretty much what I’m striving for at this point.  I believe I’ve either been hypomanic or moderately depressed for sometime.  To hit full-blown severe mania puts me into panic like no other so I don’t enjoy it like most people with Bipolar Disorder and well severe depression…puts me into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts and actions. Both cause me to self-medicate if not on a mood stabilizer prescribed by a doctor.  My problem is I can’t find a mood stabilizer that the doctors are prescribing to work for more than a week. When I first was diagnosed, I had found my miracle cocktail right off the bat but it seems to me as I get older and my hormones shift, it’s not going to be as easy any longer.  At least I have an appointment this Friday and I can say that we need to tweak the medication; hopefully I won’t be full-blown manic by then, I don’t have much faith in that though because I know my body and I know what it’s telling me.

I don’t believe I’ll ever feel the wonderfulness of the middle.  I feel defeated.


20 thoughts on “I Feel Defeated

  1. Good luck with your appointment. One question: How is your diet? Have you seen the movie Food Matters? It gave me a lot to think about it. I don’t necessarily go rah-rah over a raw foods diet, but they had a lot of information that resonated for me. It might be worth a look. It’s on the Netflix.

    • I don’t have Netflix. I know GASP! but I’ll see where else I can find it. Sounds like something to look into. I think my diet is okay not exceptional but okay.

      • I kid you not, but since I went on a special diet my wife says my mood has improved. Of course, the better I feel, the more depressed she gets. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon!

        Western medicine doesn’t think much about the connection between health, food, mind and spirit. Just something to think about. I’m not a food nut or anything. 🙂

  2. Keep coming here and keep telling us about it. We’re here for you. It may not help with your mania, but it may help knowing we’ve got your back. Sending you strong thoughts, Bats.

  3. Don’t worry about nagging, it’s okay. You bring up a good point in MOST cases yes that’s true. It does take up to 5 weeks for the full effect of these types of meds to work. But lets say the person is on the highest or lowest does possible for their body structure and they are already feeling manic after a week, could you imagine how manic they would be after 5 weeks? We want to get progressively better each week not worst.
    But I do get the drift of it. And lets keep in mind that just because I feel defeated doesn’t mean that I am. We all know feelings aren’t facts.
    Thanks for comment and reminder!

  4. Hugs.

    Along with what others have said re:diet, there are links that tie the ingestion of gluten and dairy protein (casein) to a myriad of mental health issues. I am walking proof of this.

    It could not hurt to try to eliminate gluten and dairy protein (it’s often an additive) *completely* for a minimum of 90 days — no cheating and being scrupulous to not even have a microgram of it as the tiniest amount can trigger a response. It might make a huge difference. It might not. But if it did, it would be a cheap solution to too many meds/finding the right med. Most regular docs will say “nonsense” to it, too, FYI, but those who specialize in the area of gluten intolerance and Celiac disease are trying to get the word out to doctors who do not have time and inclination to keep up on current research. They can’t do it all… And this is cutting-edge research right now. The links are indeed there, and in mainstream medical areas, but recent studies, so recent that it has not hit the majority of medical practice, yet.

    And before you say it is impossible, or can’t be done by poor people/people who struggle from paycheck to paycheck (or in my case, child support payment to child support payment), I’m here to say it is absolutely possible and even delicious and joyful. And cheap. If you make it a priority, like anything else.

    I preach on this a lot, lol. Do what you will with it. It’s just an idea. But I know my life has been so changed for the better from this small but effective method of dealing with my own depression, med free, that I can’t help but want to suggest others give it a shot. But a *real* shot. You really have to commit, to stay totally free for at least three months, and really give it your all. Any amount of cheating can alter the effectiveness of its working. You can’t go halfway on it and then say “it does not work.” It’s not that kind of thing. Kind of like giving up alcohol…

    Lots of love from D-Town to you, Bats.

  5. Hoping the doctor went well.
    this isn’t that helpful, but for everything you try that doesn’t work, you’re that much closer to the thing that will.
    Or something like that…

    we’re around if you need to vent or anything…

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