It’s 5:22 am here and as you can see I’m not sleeping. Why am I not sleeping? Because I haven’t slept well in 3 nights. Why haven’t I slept well? Probably because I’m hypomanic which means in about a day or even later today I’ll be full blown manic. Here’s an infographic:
I rarely ever hit that middle mark and that’s pretty much what I’m striving for at this point. I believe I’ve either been hypomanic or moderately depressed for sometime. To hit full-blown severe mania puts me into panic like no other so I don’t enjoy it like most people with Bipolar Disorder and well severe depression…puts me into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts and actions. Both cause me to self-medicate if not on a mood stabilizer prescribed by a doctor. My problem is I can’t find a mood stabilizer that the doctors are prescribing to work for more than a week. When I first was diagnosed, I had found my miracle cocktail right off the bat but it seems to me as I get older and my hormones shift, it’s not going to be as easy any longer. At least I have an appointment this Friday and I can say that we need to tweak the medication; hopefully I won’t be full-blown manic by then, I don’t have much faith in that though because I know my body and I know what it’s telling me.
I don’t believe I’ll ever feel the wonderfulness of the middle. I feel defeated.