Hell On Earth

Good news…I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 weeks.

Bad news…I’m in hell…Hell on Earth.

When I last posted; I posted that I was going to see a doctor about getting back on meds so I can get some relief from my Bipolar Disorder.  She tried say I had been misdiagnosed and I am actually ADHD and prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone.  I had a horrible reaction to what we believe was the Zoloft so she now believes me when I say I AM Bipolar.  She decided to put me on Risperdone and Trazodone.  I stopped taking the Risperdone because I had a horrible reaction to that and couldn’t take it anymore.  I literally think this women is trying to kill me.

I feel unsafe, all of the time now.  I’m scared to be alone with my kids, I’m scared to be alone, I’m scared to be with people, and I can hardly leave my house.

I need help.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m in hell…Hell On Earth.


31 thoughts on “Hell On Earth

  1. When I click the LIKE button on a post like this it means I care about you, not that I like the topic.

    Sounds like you need a new doctor. One that will listen to you. Do you already know what meds work best? Try to get a second opinion if you can.

    • Tom, I knew you didn’t ‘like’ what I’m going through but just wanted me to know you saw me.
      I’ve only been seeing this lady for a few weeks and she was the only shrink I could find that was accepting new patients (that’s a whole other scary topic in itself). I see her on the 4th and if she doesn’t do something, SOMETHING to help me; yes I am going to have to find someone else, somehow.

      • Do you have insurance? I don’t and as such I’ve learned that on the few times I have to see a doctor I have to grab them by their ear lobes and reinforce that I require affordable options. They live in a dream world where they prescribe things and you just go get them, like $10,000 cat scans and such. If you are unable to afford what is optimal be sure to make your doctor discuss other options. They are usually willing to do this.

        Good luck!

        And yeah, good job on the no drinking thing. You are inspiring me! 🙂

        • The cost for us uninsured is outrageous. Another cost that is outrageous is actually obtaining insurance. And did you know HMO have begun to stop covering mental health issues because of the cost associated with it? It’s stupid.

  2. I wish to heaven and hell i could do something to make you heal and well. if i could have a super power it would be to erase hurt, pain and mind troubles from this planet.

    I have no answers but I will research to see if I can find answers for you.

  3. I’m sorry, Bats! I am no expert, but I’ve never heard of Zoloft being prescribed for adhd… I wonder if there are any Docs in your area who specifically treat ADHD/ADD that you could call? It is such a complex disorder to treat and a bad reaction to a drug doesn’t mean you do or don’t have it- does that make sense? My son had terrible reactions to 3 diff meds for adhd, but he DOES have it- just need to find the right one for him. I don’t mean to overwhelm you, just wanted you to see a different side, maybe.

    Good for you for the 2 weeks with no drinking!! You are going in the right direction! Being here is helpful too, I think. I would like to help in any way possible- I mean that- do you still have my email/ phone number? You have permission to use it at any time, I understand what you are going through- I really, really do!

    Love to you!

    • I’ve also never heard of Zoloft being something for ADHD but then again I’m no expert in the area and I’ve also never even came close to being diagnosed as ADHD or ADD or anything like that. Bipolar runs in my family, way back.
      I thank you for your commenting and helping me see a different side. I don’t really think she’s trying to kill me, or atleast I don’t think so.
      It’s so helpful to know that someone, someplace knows just how I am feeling right now. I can not end up in the hospital, I’m uninsured. Jesus, could you imagine THAT bill. But I’m pretty damn close right now. The only reason I’m not there right now is because the Eagles are playing their final game tomorrow and I have to wear my Eagles jersey for good karma. Well I have two very precious other reasons too.
      I love you my sparkly snappy friend, thank you so much!

  4. Our mental health system sucks. It’s too hard to get appointments for urgent situations like yours that need competent help NOW.

    For you to not drink in the face of all this shows tremendous strength of will. Hang in there. And keep looking for a doctor in whom you have confidence.


    • Thank you (((((Type)))) Our mental health system does suck. It sucked 30 years ago when my Mom struggled to get help with mental illness and it sucks now. It’s time someone does something because it just can not keep going on like this, people need help and they need it NOW not 6 weeks from now.

  5. Good on you for your two weeks, Bats. *hug* Keep on keepin’ on with that. 🙂

    So, as for the rest, I could totally go on a rant about the state of the US health”care” system — more like the US HealthNOTcare system, but hey, we are all in that boat. I have not seen a doctor for four years, no medical checkups, even the ones I am supposed to have and have had scary results in the past… So I hear you on that part of this. It sucks.

    But, I also was just ordered to get therapy by a judge to reunite with my kid. I have no job and no money. If I want to ever see him (and I have been back in the US for five months, and still only had phone calls with him), I have to do the therapy and pay for it.

    What I do about this is start getting creative, by myself and for myself. And for the child that I desperately want to reunite with.

    I know that the chemicals in your head play a huge role in this. I also know how my own chemical imbalances have been addressed by diet. I am not necessarily advocating going off meds (although I have strong opinions about them), but are you also clean of caffeine, wheat, dairy, sugar, food colorings and chemicals? Have you looked into managing mental health through diet? I know so many people who use an extreme clean-up of diet, my uncle included, who has lived with BPD for over 40 years, to help manage their mental health. I’m not trying to pile one more thing on what is already a tough situation. I’m just saying $1000 a month is a shitload too much to pay for drugs that have plenty of side-effects and other negatives attached to them, and if some of your body chem can get squared away by not eating certain things, then maybe it is worth looking into. The Internet can be your friend here, as well as your intuition and learning to listen to your body.

    Second, are you going to meetings? You may not be able to afford therapy, but meetings are free. There are also students trying to get licensed for psychotherapy and so on that can at least provide a free or very low-cost person to talk to. They usually have to accumulate a certain amount of hours to get their degrees and/or licensure. Maybe you could check into that for at least someone to help you with therapy for all the grief and loss you have been through this past year (with your situation with your brother and so on).

    And with meetings, I know so many, Al included, are helped by regular attendance. Just to keep the thought processes in a healthy and balanced place.

    This is one person who is in a shitload of mess writing to another who is in a mess about the things she is trying out to make it better and have the courage to change where she can. Not someone telling you what to do. Just so you know.

    I hope that things will soon find a more positive momentum in your life. Please just keep in mind all of the people — your readers here, your children, the others in your life who love and care for you, would be devastated without your presence. Please don’t let things get to the place where you would do anything to remove yourself from this life. I know, I have wanted that sometimes, too, and even in recent weeks. But fuck the negative impulses to go to the “dark place” and wallow in depression. I view them (the impulses) anthropomorphically at this point, and I feel like they want to take me down. I have decided I am NOT going to let them, and have made a choice to fight them every step of the way. Somehow, in the past couple of weeks, the impulses grow weaker as I grow stronger in my conviction to tell them to fuck off. 🙂

    Good luck, chica. You can dig deep and work your way out of this.

    • Okay first off, why are you back in the states? Holy Canoli…you’re in the states!!! 🙂
      Secondly I am so sorry your life is in chaos right now, I hope you can figure out a way to see your son. Sons need their Moms, atleast the Moms that want to see their sons.
      I’m the first one to admit that my diet needs a major over hall. I have cut down on coffee in the past few weeks though, not because I wanted to but because I had to because my nerves are shot to hell. I never thought I’d see the day that coffee would cause panic attacks in me. I love coffee. Sigh. BUT I also love not feeling like I’m shaking in my own skin.
      I’ve been fighting this crap for so long I feel like I’m losing. But I’m still trying and I think that matters.
      Thanks chicky.

      • Trying absolutely matters!! Means you are not drowning. 🙂

        The acidity of coffee really gets me, and yeah, I have been drinking a lot, but I have given up a lot of other things, too, so I keep that and Sriracha sauce as my vices, lol. I ease off with decaf when I need to back away from too much caffeine, and try to use stevia and something like almond milk in it to cut down on the acidity when I am *not quite* ready to give up the brew, but need to tone it down. Just another idea.

        Also, look up “GAPS” diet. It’s the one that helped me a lot (or a version of it anyway) and my friend who also has struggled with anxiety was helped by it, too. It can be transforming, so at least get a little info under your belt with it, and see what you can do. Baby steps. If getting up in the morning and taking a shower is the best that you can do, then by all means just make sure you do that every day!

        I get it. One foot in front of the other, and you can do it.

        As for the other stuff, you ever Facebook under your real self? If so, you should add me there. Email me if you want — not the one under this WP acct but the other one, lol. The contact form on that “other blog” — that goes direct to my email. The site that is hooked up to twitter… You know? (lol) What I am getting at with that is I update a lot more about my personal sitch there on FB, and I’d be honored to be connected to you there, if you want so you can know what is going on. Let me know. I also should just update my Celeste E Hall blog, argh, but have not had the heart to do so. I did get a wee bit of good news last week, though, so I should!

        HANG IN THERE! Sending all the good vibes in the world, and hoping that smooth sailing is ahead. Or, well, smoother. 🙂


  6. As a lifelong sufferer from Panic Disorder & Anxiety Disorder coupled with chronic depression, I can certainly sympathize with you on the drug front. There is nothing worse than someone playing with your meds & you having a bad reaction to the change. You feel like you cannot be OK even in your own skin. The people ahead of me have all made great suggestions & quitting drinking is a great start. Have you tried to find help on-line? I quit smoking a year ago & found E-Quits was a great resource for me. Is there something similar for the trouble you are experiencing? Somewhere where you can chat with other people going through the same experience or connect with people who are trained to help you on-line? I wish you all good luck in your struggles.

    • Online help is a great idea! Atleast until I can not be so damn scared to leave my house. Thanks!
      And you said just what I’m experiencing: “You feel like you cannot be OK even in your own skin.”

  7. In the process of trying to help a lady here with bp, we found a guy in Texas who guarantees he can help and if he cannot help, he does not charge. You have to check in, but it’s not a hospital, just a sort of ranch or something. I can find him again if you’re interested . . .
    Otherwise, praying here. May you find peace!

  8. Dont be afraid. fear is counterproductive and will make you ill and paranoid. youve lived with it this long. Be strong. You can do it.


    Good luck. N respect for not drinking.

  9. Bats – this site might be useful somehow for you:
    They’re a chat board, with professionals who stop in. They might be able to stell you something useful about why the medications are screwing you, and maybe help you with anything your doctor isn’t
    Maybe they can even help you find a good doctor!

    I wish there was something more I could do, and if you can think of anything,or even just want to shoot he breeze, I’m around.

  10. Hey Bats, thinking of you. Remember that when you quit drinking there are a vast number of withdrawal symptoms that are hard to get through without adding the complexity of BPD. Lithium based with an anti depressant still work the best however getting the balance right takes time even without the complexity of alcoholism. Sigh…the balancing of the meds is complicated by the withdrawal from alcohol. In the program we talk about accepting powerlessness. A med will never get you to 100 percent in two weeks. 😦 switching docs will keep you in this phase longer. I have 2 friends that I have known in different times in my life that have fought this disease. One was on lithium and tho she didn’t like the meds and how she felt physically she did like that the kept her stable. The other keeps self adjusting and self medicating and it isn’t going so well. You will be in my thoughts and prayers Bats ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s