I am Helpless!

 

I throw my hands up in the air.  I am helpless.  My name is Countess Bats and I am an alcoholic.and I have a mental disorder called Bipolar.  I gave up my program many months ago,  I gave up two different programs many months ago, hell…maybe even three!

Look…if you are here seeking sobriety, wisdom, or sanity…leave now because I don’t have any of those.  I lost them when I relapsed.  That’s the normal for me;  I am the Countess of Relapse.

I am completely Helpless and I can guarantee that I will lose everything because of alcohol and Bipolar Disorder.  I can guarantee that unless I seek help, unless I want help…I will lose everything.

Look…if you have Googled alcoholism and/or bipolar disorder then maybe you need to think about yourself ; or the loved one you opened Google for.

Where do I send you to? AA or WFS.  Please go.

 

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12 thoughts on “I am Helpless!

  1. Oh God Bats, I know that pain and I hate that you are suffering with it so much. But I hesitate to even speak because I’m just as guilty of failing to deal with my illnesses as you are. And even worse, there’s a part of me that wonders if we’re so insane because we have to be to survive in this global asylum we live in, and that part really hates the thought of being judged by the other lunatics in this damned nuthouse…

  2. Oh jeesh to even be judged. Sigh. Hell I can’t even say it out loud to people in my life. To say it to people that live in my f2f life means ..damn, I can’t even realize that reality. Hell I can’t even go by a real name online.

    • I know the feeling. The people in my life are all full of themselves and their “moral superiority” because they know the dirt they’ve done isn’t judged as harshly by everyone else as the things I’ve done are. But just try pointing that out. As far as I’m concerned, those smug, hypocritical bastards can all take a flying leap…

  3. So after writing and discarding several comments, I’ll just go with I don’t think you’re helpless. Even in your post, you still take time to recognize your situation, and offer links for help for other people in the same situation.
    Even though it’s just an online relationship, we’re all here for you to help you through the rough patches and give you a bump when you need it.

    You rock Bats. Keep on pushin.

    /jackass comment

  4. Bats, every single person is in the same boat you are, but some are more honest than others. I have loved you for your honesty from the day I first landed here. I have learned so much about my own tendency to hide the facts about me, just from gasping at your raw courage.
    Do you know what I am saying? I don’t want to be a hypocrite, so I come here for lessons on reality. I come here on purpose because I need what you have. We all do.

  5. Bats, we are the same you know? Different addictions, lives, etc. but I know exactly what you mean. I’m sorry. I almost lost everything too. I am trying to get myself together, to help instead of hurt, to give, instead of take. I’m scared still though. Life is too easy when you can turn to addictions, and it is so incredibly hard when you can’t. Love you Bats!

  6. Bats, hook up with Bipolarmuse: http://bipolarmuse.wordpress.com/
    She seems to know what to do, and maybe she can help you out. She’s gone through many of the same things you are going through. I would go so far as to say I recommend her.

    On the wall of my gym, there’s a sign that says “Exercise is a process, not an event.” Maybe getting better is a process, too. Just because, or even though, you relapse, it doesn’t mean you’re not getting better.

  7. Look darlin- the only thing you ‘lost’ when you relapsed was sobriety- your wisdom and sanity, believe it or not, are still intact. Please don’t sell yourself so short!
    Just by writing this, you are still working the ‘Steps’, you know?

    I hope it doesn’t sound harsh when I say that ‘You can’t do anything about yesterday.’ The ‘right now’ is what we focus on in recovery, right?

    I disagree that you will lose everything to the addiction because by being here and by being real, you are seeking help/encouragement. I think it’s safe to say that you are nowhere near where you were in April and you can’t discount that- you CANNOT. In my recovery group, the mantra is “Progress, not Perfection”. You have had alot of bullshit thrown your way lately and the stress is heavy- I understand the allure of self medicating through that- I really do. Breathe in a new hour, breathe in a new day and refuse to stay here. You’ve done it before, gotten out of the cycle, and you WILL again. Period. Because I say so. Don’t forget to focus on the positives as well- they are there if you give yourself permission to see them!

    Love you girlie!

  8. Bats, I’m really sorry to read this. It made me cry. I don’t think you’re helpless at all. You helped me! You nurtured me into sobriety almost 3 years ago, when we were commenting iamanalcoholic.wordpress.com, with some very nice words of advice, and I am in your debt.

    If I could guess what you’re thinking, I’d say it’s “I blew 3 years of sobriety with this drink so I’ll keep drinking.” But that kind of thinking is wrong and dangerous: it’s the booze controlling your head. Counting days can be a useful tool for recovery, because it helps you set goals. But it can also discourage you when you relapse and make coming back that much harder.

    A relapse is not a total failure. It’s a “mistake,” a “blip.” It’s a temporary step back on the road to recovery. You have an opportunity to learn something about yourself and more about this “cunning and baffling” affliction we both suffer from. Human beings make mistakes all the time; you know that. You have the choice between letting it define you, making you feel helpless, and causing misery in your life, or learning from it and moving on. Please keep thinking about the future, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time there!

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