There's nothing more paralyzing than the moment you find out that you are alone in the world.—
Countess Bats (@bats0711) April 06, 2012
And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery. I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long. I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel. I am so alone. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to feel. I just really want to die. I just really want…someone to care. At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry. I used to be so strong and I lost that.
I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?
I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out. Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again? Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right? I don’t know. I just know I hurt.
My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic. I am trying so hard to stay alive.