I’m Paralyzed

And with that I ruined 33 months or maybe actually 32 months of my recovery.  I say 32 because I have wanted to drink for so long.  I’ve wanted to end the pain, darkness; the loneliness that I feel.  I am so alone.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know how to feel.  I just really want to die.  I just really want…someone to care.  At this point I want to care but yet I sit here and cry.  I used to be so strong and I lost that.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I must somewhere…right?

I drink tonight because I have no one to care…I didn’t reach out.  Was it the elephant phone in the room, or was it because I was just ready to drink again?  Was it because my steps were off or just weren’t walked right?  I don’t know.  I just know I hurt.

My name is Bats and I am an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic.  I am trying so hard to stay alive.

103 thoughts on “I’m Paralyzed

  1. You aren’t alone! I know you are tired…I know.. believe me and you can’t be alone if someone knows…. you are not alone…and things will not be this way forever… I wish I could reach out my hand because I have been where you are… I am reaching out my heart…don’t give up sister… I care….we care… I will take some of your hurt if you feel you can not bear it..but don’t give up…….please…… Lizzie

      • you are most welcome… stay well, and remember if you need a hand, a friend, an ear, whatever…you are never alone. it’s so hard…oh i know it… to believe that too when you are physically alone and feel so isolated, but hang on to the thought that you maybe alone in that moment, physically,,but mentally, someone understands you and alone does not equal invisible… there a a whole bunch of us out here that care very very much. 🙂

  2. I care!!! You are not alone and do not have to go through this or feel alone. :). God does not make mistakes!! You are stronger than you think!!

  3. Jesus, I ask You to make Yourself very present and real to my friend, Bats, right now. Be with her, Dear Lord, and comfort her, strengthen her, and please fight for her while she is weak. Stay the hand of the enemy and protect her, even from the inside things that want to take over our lives. Lord, please let her know Your arms are ready and real and powerful against any attack.

  4. Do you want to know something weird? I ran out of sleeping pills today, but didn’t realize it until the pharmacy was closed. I also was planning on getting off twitter to read, and had started to, but I just checked one more time and saw GingerSnapps tweet which led me here.

    Anyway, I just thought it was kind of crazy and cool that I even have the privilege of knowing you.

  5. Anyway, I still hope that you just fell asleep because when your heart feels like it broke and you cried more tears than you thought possible, it can wear a girl out.

    I know cause I’ve been there in different ways. I took a bunch of pills once. Told myself and others that I just wanted to sleep, but it took me to the ER, and I have no memory of about two days.

  6. If when you wake up, you feel guilty, don’t. Old habits never truly die, and we all have struggled and caved to something. Just because you drank yesterday doesn’t mean you have to today, or in the future.

    We are more hard on ourselves than anyone else will hopefully ever be. There are lots of things we all should do to make our lives “better”, but sometimes those plans get put on hold. Hopefully for as little time possible, but forgiving yourself and moving on can make all the difference…although that’s easier said than done.

    • One of the great things about WordPress is that we can find people to relate to, and people to have fun with, but when the bar times hit…it is easier to pretend that bloggers won’t care as much as “real life” friends do. That’s a lie I sometimes tell myself.

      So many people care about you. Whether here, or in your real world life. We need you.

  7. Writing what you wrote tonight…yesterday now, took courage. Even if you feel like you aren’t strong now, you are…you didn’t just take the easy way out and drop off the face of the earth. You wrote, you shared your heart and your life, which is something that many, many supposedly “strong” people are afraid to do. Don’t mistake honesty for weakness. I admire you for being open and honest with us.

    • You know that song “everybody hurts”: okay, sometimes it can actually depress me even more, but it is true and good too. I don’t know why, but I just thought I should say that.

    • All of your words are so breath-taking, thank you for them. I’m so glad I didn’t just drink and not say a word. I’m so glad that I posted this and I KNOW that when someone whom is struggling or challenged with the same thoughts and feelings runs upon this on the web…I KNOW they are going to feel the presence and love that all of you pour into these words and thoughts.

  8. This is kind of weird, but you should know, your writing style is really good. I know you probably don’t care when just pouring your heart out, but there are some really powerful statements in that post. The last paragraph was from a literary standpoint, amazing. Please don’t get mad at me analyzing your writing style when you have a lot of bigger things going on, but it wouldn’t be right to just pretend I didn’t notice.

  9. Dear Bats!

    Hey there Woman!

    I care!! This happens. Up. Down. Up

    Please don’t beat yourself up over this. You didn’t do anything wrong. Tomorrow is on other day. Hell, this next moment is a new moment! Slow down and read these comments: we care for you. You are not alone

    Remember ‘one day at a time’? Well, take this one moment at a time. Breathe and read these words; all of our words over and over.

    This moment is new.

    You are cared for!

    Hang in. Have compassion for yourself.

    XO. Jen

    BTW. I have been where you are now. I know this is hard. Consider ‘No’ to the next drink. Just consider it OK?.

  10. i pray that this is just a slip and that you don’t hit bottom. Or that if you do hit bottom, it’s not as hard as the one i hit. You are a special woman, Bats, and you are worth more than your disease. i’ll email you my phone number here, but remember, the first step is simple…you have to want to stop.

    i’m in your corner, babe!

  11. I’m sorry you feel like this. I’ve been in your shoes before. After 10+ hours of non-communication, my guess is that you went ahead and numbed the pain. There is no shame in this. Everyday we get up and start anew. So, don’t be discouraged. Sometimes it takes a whole lifetime of rodeos before we can stay on the horse…

    🙂 Wishing you the best!

    — Bird

  12. Ms. Bats…..

    We have never met, but I am here…. as are a great many others, to tell you, and hope you will believe, that we care, and hope that you will respond to these messages to let us know that you are alright; or at least willing to talk, even if you are not alright. You can change, and it does not have to mean you must be alone in making those changes…. have some trust in those of us who are here for you…. I’ve been where you are, and I can assure you, you are not as alone as you think yourself to be…. please, please respond…..

  13. Oh Bats, don’t you ever believe that no one cares – especially this old fool with still unhealed wounds from all the times he’s fallen off that wagon…

    Please Bats, let us know you’re alright!

  14. Hang in there Bats. I know it is a tough time, but it WILL pass. It WILL get better. And you DO have people who care.

  15. My name is Scarp and I am standing right along side of you, metaphorically speaking… because literally speaking would probably be really creepy.

    I understand how you feel. I’m glad your here. You didn’t ruin anything, we all stumble. Recovery isn’t easy, at times it’s dark and terrifying. I speak from personal experience. The point is you are strong, you are capable, and you are important.

  16. You don’t know me, but I care! My husband is a bipolar alcoholic. He’s struggled so hard and sometimes been so so SO tired and has wanted so badly to give up so that the pain would stop. Most recently last September. But he survived that and, right now, the combo of meds he’s on have helped him to feel as well as he’s ever felt. As corny as it sounds, where there’s life, there’s hope. Truly! You can do this and there are people who care… a lot.

    • Thank you Christy! I hope your husband continues living the good life. I KNOW how helpful meds can be, it’s just being able to afford them. I KNOW how much I need meds. Sigh.

  17. I don’t know if you know who Nikki Sixx is (bassist for Motley Crüe), his “other” band called Sixx A.M. or that he’s is a recovering heroin addict.

    But after reading your post I couldn’t help but thing about the song “Accidents Happen” of The Heroin Diaries soundtrack.

    It’s a VERY powerful song about dealing, struggling and living with addiction.

    The lyrics are below… A link to the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADLWUo4EKMA)

    Don’t give up, it takes a while
    I have seen this look before
    And it’s alright
    You’re not alone
    If you don’t love this anymore
    I hear that you’ve slipped again
    I’m here ’cause i know you’ll need a friend

    And you know that accidents can happen
    And it’s okay,
    We all fall off the wagon sometimes
    It’s not your whole life
    It’s only one day
    You haven’t thrown everything away.

    Take some time and learn to breathe
    And remember what it means
    To feel alive
    And to believe
    Something more than what you see
    I know there’s a price for this
    But some things in life you must resist

    And you know that accidents can happen
    And it’s okay,
    We all fall off the wagon sometimes
    It’s not your whole life
    It’s only one day
    You haven’t thrown everything away.

    I hear that you’ve slipped again
    I’m here ’cause i know you’ll need a friend

    And you know that accidents can happen
    And it’s okay,
    We all fall off the wagon sometimes
    It’s not your whole life
    It’s only one day
    You haven’t thrown everything away.

    You know that accidents can happen
    And it’s okay,
    We all fall off the wagon sometimes
    It’s not your whole life
    It’s only one day
    You haven’t thrown everything away.

    So don’t give up
    It takes a while.

  18. Please know you are not alone and I mean that. Truly and honestly. It may feel like that now, but I promise you that you are not. Please don’t give up.

  19. I hope you’re aware of just how much a group of total strangers actually care about you! Take some time to regroup and reflect..
    Everything will be all right… TRUST ME!!

  20. Hang in there. I’m a recovering addict – 5-1/2 yrs now. The best thing you can do for yourself first is to get on some bipolar medication. You are self-medicating with alcohol. To stop the drinking, you must get a grasp on your mood swings. Please…. the drinking is not worth it. But life is. I care… I know the pain of addiction….

  21. oh my gosh, Bats.. I don’t know you, but I can relate.. and I do know that people care about you and your well-being. It’s true! Please come back.
    You know we are always here to listen to you. Gosh, I wish I knew you were here before tonight.
    Hang in there..
    email me.. ninjagal@comcast.net

  22. I’m barging into your life rather unannounced here, but someone who cares very much, wrote to me and sent me here. Rest and take care and add this new voice to the chorus of those who do care what happens to you.

  23. Bats– I’m praying for you because someone who cares loves you enough to let me know you need support. YOU are loved.

    I’m an alcoholic in recovery. I’m here along with all the others. We’re in your corner.

  24. I’m Jueseppi B. I am not an alcoholic. I have considered suicide on occasion. The last time was for a total of 127 days that I thought, seriously thought about, killing myself. I was made homeless by a divorce and a nasty ex-wife. I was homeless for 127 days. I had to live in the streets and in 2 homeless shelters for that 127 days. Every day i planned to kill myself because even tho I knew I would be “normal” again, I was shocked at being homeless.

    I don’t know you Bats, I was introduced to your situation thru reading GingerSnaap’s blog tonight.

    I planned to walk in front of 18 wheeler’s, take all of my diabetic insulin at once, blow my brains out, and jump off a local bridge.

    I accomplished neither.

    I want to say, don’t give up & don’t give in. The drink won’t help.

  25. I don’t have the experience that others do on here, but I do empathise with you, and I hope you get better. Everyone has speedbumps in their lives. don’t take this one as a failure or a weakness; it’s okay to loose it for a little bit. When you get better, and that is a when, not an if of maybe; when you get better you can look back on the hardest of times and appreciate that you got through them, that you made it and came out the other side stronger than you ever could have. I struggle in life, but I’m not in the realm you find yourself in; I have had privileges and opportunities that have benefited me and kept me from wanting to end things.
    You are a better person than me, better than most people, because you have had to work harder than anyone has to, to manage addictions and conditions that could so easily end anyone. You are a hero to many, and should consider yourself to be one in your own mind.

  26. You are not alone in the World Bats
    so grab your glad rags and get over
    to my Space, okay it’s a tad locked
    but all you have to do is knock on
    the gates and in you come 🙂

    Be very well and be good too 😉

    Androgoth XXx

  27. …sorry I couldn’t be here / there for you Bats. The good news is I’m here now (ahem), the better news is you know how to get back on the path. You’re not drowning. You’re walking… one step at a time.

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