For Today I Survived…

I didn’t graduate highschool, big surprise huh?  I was expelled out of the public school system and placed into a “short bus” school for well…being out of control.  Was I out of control or was I in a 5  year manic episode? I dunno.  Good question though.  But hear me out…

I spoke recently about when I was 12.  I spoke about the severe turmoil that entered my life and defining it so dramatically.  But what I didn’t speak about was what my thinking became like.  In AA there’s that good ol saying “Live One Day At A Time” and even so many years before my first AA meeting that’s one thing that I had to instill in my head, in my life.  I survived today and repeat the same process the next day, that’s what my life became; how can I stay alive and well for today?  How do I survive today? 

When I was smaller my dream was to become a veterinarian but when I started my survival thinking that dream was put on a back burner and I didn’t realize that when you live like that, you forget you had goals and dreams because your goal becomes living one day at a time.  You forget you need an education to be successful, not necessarily when your 17 and moving out of your parents house but to grasp taking care of yourself financially, and taking care of what you want to be when you grow up.  So when I dropped out of highschool my brain didn’t send the red flags that I needed to remind myself that in order to have a career that you want to do, in order to be whatever you wanted when you grew up, you needed an education, you needed the diploma and a college degree.  I thought I was doing fine as long as I was still breathing and surviving.  So when I got a tax paying job when I was 19 (my first job that wasn’t illegal), I didn’t put the thought together that I needed to still carry on my education so later in life I could be whatever I wanted to be, I could be a successful business woman or a veterinarian.  I started that job and ended up working 60 hours a week until I turned 26 and had my daughter.  I made sure I had no time to worrying about any day other than the one right now.

I’m now learning since both my children are in school that since there’s no college education, no diploma; there’s no job.  I’m now learning and being reminded of my past that my thinking has been screwed up so much that I just don’t know how to even get started with fixing any of my mistakes.  I’m now a nobody; no job, no successful business woman, no veterinarian, no American dream. 

By screwing up my thought process even at such a young age, I’ve screwed up my whole life.

6 thoughts on “For Today I Survived…

  1. You may have screwed up your past Bats, but not your whole life. I’m not saying it will be easy, but the future is still there, ready and waiting for you to mold into whatever you want. And poor folks like us are eligible for financial aid, for now at least…

      • I hear fay. Even though I loved the classroom atmosphere in college, as opposed to any school before that, I’m just not sure that I could stand up to the “going there” thing day after day… But it is nice to dream!

        • I know. You know, you can have all the knowledge in the world about any subject but without a damn degree you can’t get your foot in the door. Hell I can’t even afford the gas to get me to college!

  2. For what it’s worth, my personal philosophy is that you can’t screw up your whole life unless you give up and stop trying to find ways to have fun. Some days short term fun is good enough (a good TV show, a movie, a favorite food…) other days you can spend time working on longer term fun (beginning a blog post, starting a short story, building furniture, starting a garden…). Either way, the fun becomes possible when you don’t use/drink. After that, it’s up to us to make the effort.

    Do something nice for yourself today, Bats! You deserve it!

    • building furniture? LOL! You should hear some of the things that come out of my mouth whenever I’ve had to do that. I think I have come up with new cuss words before.
      I’m wondering if I’m in this slump not only because I’m nervous about whether I can actually hit two years sober (which I’ve never done) and because both of my children are in school and well for 10 years I’ve been a SAHM.
      And yes it is a hell of a lot more fun to be sober than ‘greenish’ drunk.
      Thanks Al, you’re sounding great and I am so proud of you for taking care of you!

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