I Have No Defense Against My Vice: Beer

 Many vices have been in my world. It seemed to hit me all at once when I turned 12, I’ve spoken about that before; about how life seemed to crush me down as if an avalanche hit me at full force; about how my heart skips a beat when I get to close to alcohol, it really is a romance or maybe a career of some sort. Cigarettes and alcohol seem to have been my two worst vices, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to kick my addiction to nicotine in the ass and I of course never know if I’ll relapse once again with alcohol. Which btw I have 20 months sober on March 8th, 2011. Pretty close to my goal of 2 years, which I’ve never been able to reach. The longest I’ve gone without alcohol is 19 months and that relapse was because well it doesn’t count if you get off a plane in a country where the first thing the welcome wagon does is hand you an opened beer and a bag of pot. Is/was pot a vice for me? No, I’ve been able to clear my life of that and quite honestly once I started drinking very heavily (probably about the age of 17; meaning drinking everyday) I didn’t care about anything other than what I would drink, how I would drink it, who I would drink it with, when I would start drinking it, and where I was going to drink at so pot was pretty easy to go without and still is. I don’t walk into a room of people and wonder where the marijuana is, I look automatically at what alcohol is in the room and what kind; of course now my thoughts are “just stay away from it, you are way to close to 2 years to give up now. Don’t forget the yellow eyes, the pale green skin, and the gentleman you met in detox this last time that had no clue he had been to detox 12 different times”. I have no defense any longer in life against alcohol, atleast not yet. Quite honestly I would love a drink right now, in 10 minutes, or 10 hours from now…really, REALLY love one but I really believe in my heart that I don’t have another quit in me. I just don’t think I could quit again, I believe I’ll be drinking in a blackout for the rest of my life if I start once again.

So I live life one second, minute, and day at a time. Is that a cliche? Yes, but trust me when I say it works. I also have sat on my hands, literally. Hey don’t laugh, it worked damn it. None of that happens to help with nicotine though. I sware if I have no cigarettes, I will pull one out of your hand and run with it. I also would cut someones arm off for one, gouge your eyes out, or physically maim you for one. See how insane addiction can be?

Okay carry on…

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7 thoughts on “I Have No Defense Against My Vice: Beer

  1. Wow, so much going on here. First off, i liked how you talk about beer in the title because not many people realize it’s possible to be an alkie on just wine and beer, but i was able to do it just fine, thank you. And i too was never a big fan of pot. It just got in the way of my drinking.

    As for relapsing, i’ve only been dry for 2 months (today!) but one of the things i get out of AA meetings are the stories of people and how broken they become falling off the wagon and it reminds me how i really don’t want to go back there.

    As for cigarettes, i bet they’re less destructive than the booze, and we have the right to some vices, right?

    • not many people realize it’s possible to be an alkie on just wine and beer, but i was able to do it just fine, thank you

      EXACTLY! If I drank liquor than I would’ve been a broke drooling bitch, I mean I had responsiblities too right. (insert silly winky smiley here) In the end there though I would’ve dranken anything with alcohol in it, Listerine was not allowed in this house. Yes sadly I did drink it on a couple of occassions.
      Congratulations dearest Al, reward yourself because you’ve done good my friend.
      I figure on the nicotine issue, we’ll get to it when we are ready and no sooner. I hate being thrown into quitting, it pisses me off and well being an addict I have control issues so I want to control the time, place and way I quit.

  2. Pingback: 10 Drinks i’m Gonna Miss « Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker

  3. A lot of my (ex) drinking buddies do not like pot. The ones who do used it for its anti-nausea effects — i.e., so they could drink more vodka and not vomit.

  4. Bats – Not having been in your position, I truly hesitate to add a thing, here, but did want to let you know I read it and “liked” it.
    I admire your bravery. May you continue being strong.

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