Broken Relationship I Caused

There is so much of my childhood that I wish I could take back, forget, or even just fix but none of those things can be done just because we hate our past, the past can not be changed, no you turning the clock back, no taking back the words you’ve said, feelings you’ve felt, or actions you thought belong there only to discover one morning you wake up with this weight on your chest swaring you are dying from a heart attack. In reality it’s just panic. Panic because you woke up and realized you’ve spent your whole life ruining life because you hate yourself.

When I asked myself this question, what broken relationship do I wish I could restore? The answer wasn’t my brothers, my Dad, my mom, an old flame, my marriage, my children; you know all of the relationships that most would answer that question with. No, my answer is Myself. I wish I had a relationship with myself, well that’s not worded right. I wish I had a positive relationship with myself. I hate who I have molded myself into. Hence the reason why alcohol became such a neccessity in my life; it made me well… like me. I liked my looks, my clothes, my thoughts, the way I spoke, the voice I spoke with. It made me feel confident and intelligent. I didn’t feel so isolated in my mind, well not at first that is. My best friend alcohol turned on me though, in the end I just still hate myself.

Thankfully the question isn’t how I would repair the relationship because I have no fucking clue.

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7 thoughts on “Broken Relationship I Caused

  1. The mistakes we make, whether good or bad make us what we are. We are beautiful because we are flawed and thats what makes us real. ‘Perfect’ people are boring anyway. From what bit I have glimpsed, I like you just the way you are.

    (from one kindred spirit to another:)That negative judgemental inner voice? Thats just an echo left over from mom. Its not who you are even if you are Bats. LoL

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