Reading the Mind of my Mother? Ummmm No Thanks

Blow Your Mind

Wouldn't reading minds for a day be a fabulous super power? Well maybe, then again maybe not; you could find out what people are really thinking about you and that might be a bit uncomfortable. I mean lets face it, most people smile to your face and then when you turn your back you can just feel the bulshit hitting you in the back of the head.

However if I could, then I'd definately want to find out what my mother is really thinking. I'd love to look into her manic depressive mind to see how it works. Although it could damage my psychi permanently but to hear how actually it works would be a huge help with trying to communicate with her and well maybe then I could find out why I've never been good enough to be her 'daughter' instead of being her enemy. I sware if I walk into the same room as her, it's like going from comfortable to a fucking hurricane in frigid weather. She never responds to me, nothing never even "I'm doing okay sweetie, how are you doing?" She never asks about my kids, my health, bipolar disorder, if I'm currently sober or am I still in the center of my career of alcoholism. I've tried to communicate with her on so many occassions that most of the time I walk out wondering what the hell just happened, what did I just do to make her so damaging to herself, and myself? All I said was something that referred to her cats and how much food they must go through in a day.

I'm not sure why she hates me other than the fact that she gave birth to me. Looking into her mind and reading it for a day would definately shed light on many aspects of how she thinks and what it's like for someone with more than one personality in there. However I have a feeling it would be the biggest nightmare I have ever had. Yes, I'm sure I would spontanously combust.

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4 thoughts on “Reading the Mind of my Mother? Ummmm No Thanks

  1. Be careful what you wish for: The Seering.

    I wished for similar insights into my mother’s mind for many years Bats. In the end, I concluded that without also reliving a significant portion of her life as well, knowing what she was thinking at a given moment probably wouldn’t help. All I know is, as much as I loved and wanted to be close to her, she was an enigma that I just wasn’t equipped to understand. I did, however, reach an understanding that she did love me in her own way, and that none of the damage she did was my fault.

    I hope that you can someday reach a similar conclusion, in your mind at least, about your mom.

    As much as I’ve dreamed of punishing the people of the world for their bad behavior – the reason behind the post I linked to – these days I’m thinking that we’re so much into each others business – and into egging each other on towards acts of madness – that maybe a period without being able to communicate, leaving us all babbling incoherently like in that old story of God’s punishment for the Tower of Babel, would force us to think about our real needs and to get real for a change.

    • Ya I’ve decided to never look into my mother’s mind even if offered a million bucks, I’m pretty sure I would spontaneously combust and who wants to clean up that mess? I don’t think I will ever believe my mother loves me in any form, hell I don’t even think she likes the fact that she had me.
      Hmmmmmmmmm get real for a change, now there’s a thought to ponder!

  2. Well this was a bit painful to read. I’ve been going through the same with my mother for years. I went through believing her and believing that I reflected everything that was wrong with this world and with her life. But I let go of that and I tried desperately to change her mind about me, life and living. I failed and let go of her completely. After a while though I started to get better, fought away some of my own demons. Strange to me was the fact that I affected my mother in a positive way by doing so. Strange, because I still doubt her love for me, or her love for anything at all really. But we’re both doing better now. So dear Bat, be strong and move on. Maybe all you need is a little more time (:

    • Thank you Cat for sharing all of that. Yes I think with time, it should get better for me. I think I am finally ready to deal with a lot of my childhood so am working through that. For her? No it will never get better, Bipolar Disorder took her mind and life many years ago, maybe even before I was born.

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