Fucking KaBOOM!

You know I’m really confused in life right now, I just don’t know what I am DOING, what I want to DO, or if I can DO anything at all.  You’d think instead of sitting and whining on my blog I would put the energy no matter how negative into something else besides whining for the whole internet to hear me.  Well heck I’m not even sure if I am being heard anymore or if I want to be heard, am I even trying to be heard?  I know when I listen to people whine over and over again I think, “Okay so DO something about it!”  But I’ve gotten into the motions and habit of just whining and not changing a single thing to fix the issue, I think I’ve just given up, just stopped trying and I’ve turned this blog into a fucking whining, bulshit pity pot.  That has never been my intentions when I started this, never even thought that I would turn into such a woman; turned into my mother and believe me that is no pretty picture. 

So what do I do?   I do what I have always done, isolate and hate myself more and more every minute AND pace.

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11 thoughts on “Fucking KaBOOM!

    • Ya! Where oh where to even start…
      It’s like the issues multiply on a day to day basis at this point.
      Makes me want to speak in pirate tongue. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. Oh wow, I can only imaging! I’ve seen people do posts based on the funny search engine terms that have brought views to their blogs. Lately, I’ve been having the strangest referrers show up in my stats, like places selling diet and sex aides! I can’t begin to figure out why those sites would be providing a link to mine… 😯

    • I KNOW! What I found out in the forums is that wp is working on a tool to stop it, it seems pretty wide spread on wp.COM blogs right now but no worries it’ll get fixed. I love watching the ppl freaking out on the forums, they seem to think it’s a crital issue and freak out almost as if their blogs might explode.
      Your blog, diet and sex aides? heehee
      On my search engine referrals it seems there are a lot of out there looking up “popping pills from a pez dispenser.” Hmmm

  2. YARGH.

    Well, I know this much is true, the words you have written on Al K Hall’s blog the past few days have helped keep me afloat. 🙂

    That, and I totally get what you have written here, too. I have been blogging for over five years in various places. I keep all of that separate from Al’s blog so that there is no “cross contamination” lol, if that makes sense. Thing is, I have a blog where I am very open about many parts of my life, I write about the city where Al and I live, which is kind of an exotic one, and I don’t know what the hell to write there right now because I sure as hell can’t be honest in that place about all the shit that has gone down in the past couple of weeks. So, I sit, stymied, about what to do next and what to write next, if not just bailing on the whole thing altogether. But see, that blog is also one of the things that has kept me afloat for the past 18 months, as I also struggle with depression, I am unable to legally work where Al and I live, and I’ve needed something to do, and people with whom to connect in the place where I live with Al. Not to mention living with an alcoholic means that I have had to really learn to take care of myself — which I have been trying (and succeeding!) in doing in a country where I don’t really speak the language, and knew no one but Al and his kids before I got here. It’s been a weird life, to tell the truth.

    Anyway, I mostly just wanted to come here to say that I am thankful you found his blog, that you have commented there, and that I hope I can find some way to write about the things I need to write about. Even if it is just in a paper and pencil journal. Writing this shit helps. At least it does for me. So yeah, I am here, reading, appreciating, and hoping that you are able to keep doing it.

    (P.S. Just FYI, the email that is associated with this comment is not one that I usually look at, I use it only for commenting anonymously on Al’s posts. Not that you would want to/need to, but if you did, you could let Al know via his contact page you are trying to get a hold of me, and we can have him email you the address I really use. Just sayin’. In case you tried to reach me via that mail and did not get a response. 😉 I’ve not really used this profile to comment on any other blogs before, and it was something that occurred to me as I was looking at the fields for leaving comments!)

    • You know Miss D. Al’s blog and Al himself wouldn’t be what it/he is without you. You’ve held on with all your might and not given up on him even though he’s given up on his own self. I’ve been where Al is many times and I’ve also been where you are because I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend ect… of alcoholics. To watch an alcoholic hit rock bottom is the most vicious thing I have seen in my life and being the alcoholic hitting rock bottom is the most insane feeling I have ever known. To have you in his life is something he will come to understand through recovery, he’ll understand the love, worry, friendship, and true happiness. It’s a long hard road, not only for him but also for you. A lot of people don’t understand that because alcoholics are the most selfish individuals on this planet when in active addiction, we can give two shits about the sadness and insanity we cause in others lives and he may at times get sick of it all and resort back to ugliness just because that’s what has been familiar to him.

      Yes writing it helps! I never knew how much writing can heal our minds because if we keep it in there it begans to eat at our hearts and souls. Come here anytime you need to Miss. D, anytime at all even if just to type the word sigh.

      I haven’t figured out why it’s making ppl put their emails in, my settings aren’t for that. One of the many darn things I have no clue about.

      • Thanks so much, Bats.

        It’s true. Through a lot of this, I have had to really put on my big girl panties and try not to say to myself, “But what about meeeeeee!” 🙂

        Your words up there, and also your latest comment on Al’s blog encouraged me so much. A lot of this truly sucks ass for me right now, though, because yeah, you said it, alcoholics can be really selfish. In a lot of ways, I am living with someone who is acting like a three-year-old right now. Thing is: I understand and know that emotion HAS to be processed from the ground up, and that Al has been repressing a lot of emotion for so long that is now starting to be released, and just like a toddler who feels safest with mom and dad to throw the tantrum, Al is safe enough with me to allow the myriad of feelings that he has going on… I get that this is a part of it, and try to keep my own ego out of it, and do what I can to take care of myself. Like I said, I try to keep putting on those big girl panties with it all. 🙂

        An online friend of mine today sent me links to Al Anon mtgs in my area. I think I am going to have to start going because I can tell I am going to need the support. I feel a little like Queensland these days: first hit by flooding and now a Category 5 cyclone, lol.

        Anyway, I’m venting here (thanks for the permission on that, too, btw). I seriously just wanted to let you know I am so thankful for your speaking up in the way you have: here and there, and for sharing truths that are helping me to “tie myself to the mast” and keep myself there. Al is totally worth it, I know, even with the crap that tends to fly these days. There are also those “good days,” too, that give me so much hope that we can find happiness in and through doing the work. Thanks for the encouragement for me to keep myself tied to the mast. It really is true, unconditional love that keeps me there, and I think you are right: Al will come to the place where he will see and understand, and together we will be really grateful for having gone through what we have.

        • You know one of the best AA meetings I went to wasn’t an AA meeting at all, it was an Al Anon meeting. They were having meetings in the same building that day and I walked into the Al Anon meeting by mistake, when I had realized my mistake I got up to leave and was asked why, I told them and they said sit down and listen, maybe it might help. It absolutely was a great meeting and I’m pretty sure I had gotten more out of that meeting then I would have if I would’ve found the right meeting.
          You are going to need support and help, I’m glad you are reaching out for that. A lot of people don’t realize that alcoholism/addiction are an “everyone around this person is effected by it” sickness or insanity.

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