I’m feeling pretty shaky. Tomorrow marks the fact that I haven’t purchased nor drank any alcohol for 6 months. Normally with anniversaries I get shaky around 6 months, 1 year, a year and a half and of course I’ve never made it to 2 years. Although I know of and how to use resources available to me to keep my sobriety in check, somehow I forget that those exist or maybe I just get complacent with being sober. I don’t know, I’m just not good with dealing with my feelings or problems, I can take on the whole worlds problems but when it comes to taking care of what I need, my brain shuts down or I start getting that little lady sitting on my shoulder telling me how selfish I am, telling me about how I’ve thought only about myself for all those years of drinking and now I don’t deserve the brain matter it takes to take care of me, to think about what I need. Maybe it’s the flashbacks that happen around my sobriety anniversaries, you know the flashes that pop into your head as you are doing the dishes, the flashes that hold valuable information of why you are a fool, a drunk, a stupid lush. These flashes are very concrete and they show all the memories and thoughts that you were trying to get rid of when you were drinking and now that you’re sober they come back at you and slap you on the back of the head to remind yourself that you owe everyone around you time, peace, and comfort because you stole all of that from them with your many blackouts, embarrassing parties, weeks, months, years of being sloppy and non human, being unfair, bitchy, dangerous.
This is a big reason why AA and I don’t mix, because there is (and this is only my humbled opinion) no reason in the world I should bring it all to the surface once again to make so called amends to all those people that I damned or hurt from my many bouts of alcoholic actions. Shouldn’t the memory of these that will permanently live in my brain and memory be enough?
Of course then there is the whole “The past is gone forever” modo of WFS that really annoys me because although it is in the past, it hasn’t gone anywhere other than one part of my Bipolar mind to another part of it. Flashes of my past come up regularly in my vision and thoughts. Is that bad? Sometimes it can break me down and other times it is the reason I hold my shoulders back and my head high. Sometimes it causes nightmares and other times it makes me smile, laugh out loud at myself because believe me some of it is really funny!
I’m sober tonight though and it’s Friday.