It’s Friday & I’m Sober Tonight

thumbnailCAXVY33I I’m feeling pretty shaky.  Tomorrow marks the fact that I haven’t purchased nor drank any alcohol for 6 months.  Normally with anniversaries I get shaky around 6 months, 1 year, a year and a half and of course I’ve never made it to 2 years.  Although I know of and how to use resources available to me to keep my sobriety in check, somehow I forget that those exist or maybe I just get complacent with being sober.  I don’t know, I’m just not good with dealing with my feelings or problems, I can take on the whole worlds problems but when it comes to taking care of what I need, my brain shuts down or I start getting that little lady sitting on my shoulder telling me how selfish I am, telling me about how I’ve thought only about myself for all those years of drinking and now I don’t deserve the brain matter it takes to take care of me, to think about what I need.  Maybe it’s the flashbacks that happen around my sobriety anniversaries, you know the flashes that pop into your head as you are doing the dishes, the flashes that hold valuable information of why you are a fool, a drunk, a stupid lush.  These flashes are very concrete and they show all the memories and thoughts that you were trying to get rid of when you were drinking and now that you’re sober they come back at you and slap you on the back of the head to remind yourself that you owe everyone around you time, peace, and comfort because you stole all of that from them with your many blackouts, embarrassing parties, weeks, months, years of being sloppy and non human, being unfair, bitchy, dangerous.   

This is a big reason why AA and I don’t mix, because there is (and this is only my humbled opinion) no reason in the world I should bring it all to the surface once again to make so called amends to all those people that I damned or hurt from my many bouts of alcoholic actions.  Shouldn’t the memory of these that will permanently live in my brain and memory be enough?

Of course then there is the whole “The past is gone forever” modo of WFS that really annoys me because although it is in the past, it hasn’t gone anywhere other than one part of my Bipolar mind to another part of it.  Flashes of my past come up regularly in my vision and thoughts.  Is that bad?  Sometimes it can break me down and other times it is the reason I hold my shoulders back and my head high.  Sometimes it causes nightmares and other times it makes me smile, laugh out loud at myself because believe me some of it is really funny!

I’m sober tonight though and it’s Friday.

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8 thoughts on “It’s Friday & I’m Sober Tonight

  1. I’m not sure about the longer periods, but I remember being taught that 6 months (180 days) is supposed to be the point where the brain chemistry ‘flips’ back to something more like normal. Since the approaching normal is no longer the ‘normal’ the addict is used to, the period leading up to this point is said to be one of the most difficult.

    The flashbacks are undoubtedly the worst thing about my life, as they can literally feel like an electric shock to my psyche. And they always involve a memory of some crucial decision that I now regret, whether it be a bad thing I said or did, or an opportunity to help myself that I didn’t take advantage of.

    Although I know that my paranoia about people can exaggerate my impressions sometimes, but while my experience with support groups start as a welcome relief from the nightmare, they then devolve into just another excuse to get high when my mind gets clear enough to start questioning their motives. I don’t know anything about WFS, but AA is filled with nice people who believe deep down that their religion is the answer.

    • I had learned somewhere and I wish I could remember where, I’m sure it was in a book, that the time of 6 months of the beginning of your brain beginning to fire correctly and after 2 years sober your brain will be at a normal (or as normal as my brain can get) pace of firing. Of course I have never run into anything that explains how this is suppose to occur with the dual diagnosed human, such as ourselves.

      My flashbacks are generally the same as yours Mak with the added experiences of my mothers parenting. I wonder though if the flashes are indeed just flashbacks from some psychodelic drug that I put into my body many years ago? Or if it’s just my Bipolarized memory coming to the surface taunting me for my next psychosis?

      Yes AA is filled with some wonderful people and their religion no matter what they believe helps get them through the spots of intense self hatred and even intense mania and joy of their sober lives.

  2. When you get those flashbacks, just force yourself to make an addendum to those flashbacks: Drinking didn’t make it better. Drinking didn’t make any of that go away. You KNOW it didn’t Bats.

    Don’t let the emotional strands of the mind cloud the clear simplicity of the facts that you KNOW. The ones in your soul.

    I don’t have to tell you to be strong Bats. You ARE strong!

  3. Congratulations on six months!

    I’ve found that dealing with the past the AA way has helped me move on, let it go and stop flashing back. You say you don’t want to dredge up the past, but your mind is doing just that. Just my two cents.

    Peace to you.

    • And thank you Lydia for your 2 cents, they mean the world to me. 🙂 Please stop with them anytime. I love your blog and am going to check some more out on it.

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