I Made It Through The Black Hole

As you can see I am still here and I am still here SOBER and I guess that’s what really matters.  Yesterday was awful for me.  I felt like my life was closing in on me and closing in really fast.  I felt like I had to do something, anything to stop it but had no clue what that something, anything should be.  By afternoon I swore I was going to have to live in that black hole for the rest of my life, the panic was huge and scary.  I haven’t had a day like that in a long time.  I think the last time I felt that kind of panic was about 4 years ago and I woke up one morning and couldn’t find my daughter.  At the time she was only 4 and we have an above ground pool out back.  I ran around holding my son whom was a newborn at the time, clutching on to him because I felt if I let him go he would disappear also.  The good news is she wasn’t in that pool, the bad news was she was at a neighbor’s house getting her hair done.  Ummmmmmmm I know…why the hell that mother didn’t bring her home is beyond me but I tell you I felt such relief just to see her when that neighbor’s door opened from my vigorous rapping, well more like banging.  Yesterday, was like I was running around trying to make sense of everything and trying to find that something but I had no clue what it was I needed to find.  The panic took over every inch of my body and brain, my chest I was sure was going to explode right along with my head.

But I survived it and I survived it without the numbness of alcohol.  Somehow I knew the alcohol would only make the black hole bigger, wider, and more demanding.  I sware I was losing my mind or had lost it somewhere along the way.

16 thoughts on “I Made It Through The Black Hole

  1. Congratulations (I know sometimes in print that sounds sarcastic but I mean it in all sincerity), I hope tomorrow goes just as well for you. If not, then the day after.

  2. You know, I’ve had your post on my display for a couple of hours now, trying to think of something profound, or at least cool, to say. I’ve got nothin’!

    But I have been there, many times, and I know how good it feels to come back out. But never good enough for me to look forward to the next time! 🙂

    • You know what’s profound Mak…the unbelieveable support I get from people that read this blog. It’s surreal for me that people I have never met f2f come here, read and still don’t find me insane and continue to come back to support me. Or maybe you all do find me insane and that’s the secret to getting supprt. I don’t know one person in my f2f life that would give me a pat on the back for something like this, they all would look at me cross eyed and ask when was the last time I saw my PCP.

      • Hi Bats,
        I found you on wordpress at a funny thread in the forum (“why should we post?”) I’m not an alcoholic. I want to tell you how much I like your brave and honest spirit. Also love the name of your blog. Very gritty stuff, very human. Keep going.

    • This year the holidays just suck monkey brains and I’m getting something like a foot of snow over the next 2 days. Arg. I so can not wait for 2010 to arrive, the end of this year seems to be going sloth like. Thanks Jack for coming by for a visit!

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