A Cup of Joe and THIS Failure

Good morning! So here’s the deal…I’m a failure. Pretty harsh on ones self, huh? Well that’s what a great many alcoholic women think of themselves, so they drink. Either they have been told that through out their life or for some reason they have been telling themselves that through out my life. Over the weekend for some reason that tape was playing in my head that I am a failure, and am now stuck in the failure mode for the rest of my life, with absolutely nothing I can do about it. Now we all know what a bunch of bulshit that is but my brain tells my heart and my heart tells my mind and my mind directs my feet and my feet direct me towards the beer store. So you see I was depressed, incredibly so. I’m stressed, incredibly so. And my head hurts, incredibly so. I only had two beers and that’s not what got me to thinking about what a failure I am. Not only did I buy beer, which by the way was crappy beer but I also bought a pack of cigarettes. I’m down on myself because this time I didn’t even go a week before I bought the damn cigarettes, I mean come on Bats give it a better go than that! So in total this bulshit try of quitting lasted me 5 & 1/2 days (I have to add the half in there, I mean it was a half day that I didn’t smoke). I don’t know what I’m going to do, I mean my house means so much to us and you would think that I would want to do whatever I could to save it, even if that meant giving up cigarettes. I don’t know, I just like to smoke, I don’t get a horrible cough nor bronchitis all the time. It’s just the damn cost! Quit taxing me on my cigarettes damn it! I know that by smoking I am this horrible role model for my children but yet I still smoke. Everyone’s always saying do it for your kids but I just…….can’t.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Well actually right now I’m going to finish my cup of joe, get my daughter up and get both kids ready to go.  My daughter has her cardiology appointment today so I guess I’m a little ummmmmmmmmmmmm bunchy.

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Maybe tomorrow I’ll quit, maybe.  Yay, right!

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12 thoughts on “A Cup of Joe and THIS Failure

  1. Pingback: A Cup of Joe and THIS Failure — Stop Smoking

  2. I think 5 and one half days was a good start. Is your husband trying to quit also? You could try nicotine gum. It’s cheaper and would be an easier start :/

    • Don’t worry about it at all. Well you gotta worry a little or it won’t get done. But anyways my great aunt and uncle quit smoking and start again all the time. They’ll stop for a few years and start again randomly. One is smoking now in fact, like a pack a day (it’s really gross) but there it is.
      http://merlinsbooks.wordpress.com/2009/07/12/thinking-simply-about-addiction/
      There’s a link to this guys site who comments on books. This book is about addiction and quitting and all that good stuff. Thought you might wanna check it out.

  3. I know that the old “relapse is part of recovery” line seems useless when you’re in that kind of mood. But it’s true nonetheless. Hang in there kid! 🙂

  4. Hey Bats,

    Don’t be so hard on yourself hon. I struggled for years with alcohol, dope and cigarettes…the result of low self esteem from an abusive childhood. I finally managed to give the dope up 8 years ago, the alcohol 3 yrs ago and well, you know the story about the cigs. I relapsed soooo many times and each time, like you I told myself I was a failure and I felt worse than useless. Hey, if you get told that often enough you start to believe it.It was a long painful road, but I finally got there and I know you will too. Doesn’t matter that you caved in, you’re human.Give yourself credit for NOT smoking for 5 and a half days. So you went and bought a pack of ciggies and some beer, so what. Just pick yourself up again and go on. You are a human with human failings, but you’re not a failure. Don’t believe the bullshit.

    Kat

  5. I want to say don’t be so hard on yourself as well. These mental health challenges are excruciatingly complex! As a loved one who lives with a spouse with bipolar depression as well as other factors, I can tell you that I believe she (and you) are doing the best you can on any given day. Does that mean that we don’t look up and reach out? No. I guess it just means extending a little graciousness to ourselves. Heck, I have been on the other side using alcohol to numb when the mania gets too much…
    take care!

  6. Journey,
    What a thought provoking statement, “I guess it just means extending a little graciousness to ourselves.” I’ve always thought that I should be able to talk with myself the same way I would with a friend. I mean would I really tell my friend that they’re a failure? Why should I treat myself any worst than I would another human being. It’s just actually putting action to that thought.
    Thank you so much!

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