Good morning! So here’s the deal…I’m a failure. Pretty harsh on ones self, huh? Well that’s what a great many alcoholic women think of themselves, so they drink. Either they have been told that through out their life or for some reason they have been telling themselves that through out my life. Over the weekend for some reason that tape was playing in my head that I am a failure, and am now stuck in the failure mode for the rest of my life, with absolutely nothing I can do about it. Now we all know what a bunch of bulshit that is but my brain tells my heart and my heart tells my mind and my mind directs my feet and my feet direct me towards the beer store. So you see I was depressed, incredibly so. I’m stressed, incredibly so. And my head hurts, incredibly so. I only had two beers and that’s not what got me to thinking about what a failure I am. Not only did I buy beer, which by the way was crappy beer but I also bought a pack of cigarettes. I’m down on myself because this time I didn’t even go a week before I bought the damn cigarettes, I mean come on Bats give it a better go than that! So in total this bulshit try of quitting lasted me 5 & 1/2 days (I have to add the half in there, I mean it was a half day that I didn’t smoke). I don’t know what I’m going to do, I mean my house means so much to us and you would think that I would want to do whatever I could to save it, even if that meant giving up cigarettes. I don’t know, I just like to smoke, I don’t get a horrible cough nor bronchitis all the time. It’s just the damn cost! Quit taxing me on my cigarettes damn it! I know that by smoking I am this horrible role model for my children but yet I still smoke. Everyone’s always saying do it for your kids but I just…….can’t. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Well actually right now I’m going to finish my cup of joe, get my daughter up and get both kids ready to go. My daughter has her cardiology appointment today so I guess I’m a little ummmmmmmmmmmmm bunchy.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll quit, maybe. Yay, right!