This song brings about so many memories for me. It reminds me of one of the most powerful things I have ever written. I don’t know if I have ever posted it to this blog so I’ll include it here even if I have. It’s one of the saddest memories I have and it’s also something I have referred back to many times to save my own life. I wrote this February 2008 and yes it’s a real life event, today it’s just something I need to read and pass on.
I Miss Him
I’m not sure what has triggered memories of ‘him’ but I have been thinking of ‘him’ for the past few days.
“Him” is a friend whom was very dear to me and I say was because he is no longer alive. He didn’t die a week ago but he has been gone for the past four years. I think about ‘him’ from time to time but right now moments of our friendship and thoughts of ‘him’ have clouded my head. Maybe it’s the static in my life right now and hopefully it will clear up soon. I don’t mind thinking of ‘him’ but I do mind thinking of the way he left us; I mind wondering about the final days and about the days it took to find ‘him.’
I met ‘him’ about 10 years ago when I switched from one office to another and quickly got to know ‘him’ because he was friends with my hubby and our best friend. For five years we connected, he was the type of friend that I don’t think I will ever find again….then there was the final year. You see we didn’t just think alike or talk alike, finish each others sentences or other gay things like that…we also shared our addictions together…we shared hell together. Fortunately and I say this with a sad heart and soul, my hell didn’t go as far as his.
That final year his addictions were so out of control that he turned into a beast, he was far from the friend that I had known. We no longer could be in the same room as each other, we no longer even spoke except on occassion when one of us wanted to smoke up from the others stash. That was the universial language for the last year. Then there was the one day that he dropped out of my life. I couldn’t find ‘him’, believe me I looked, I looked everywhere for weeks. It seems that his addictions took ‘him’ to a low that I never dreamed he would go, so I didn’t look for ‘him’ in those places, my heart couldn’t let me look that far down for ‘him.’ I got a call from his mom, she lived up north and she said the police had found ‘someone’ and they believed it to be ‘him’. She arrived the next day and asked for my strength and to go with her, I agreed although I would’ve loved to just say ‘no it isn’t him and I refuse to believe you, he’s not dead.’ Unfortunately I didn’t say anything, I just was there my thoughts were anxious feelings of ‘him’. I missed ‘him’ and just wanted to speak with ‘him’, no he can not be dead.
He was….unfortunately he died in the worst way I can ever imagine. He died alone, he died from a drug overdose, he died and was left in the corner of a room in a house, he died and wasn’t found for days after he had stopped breathing. He died.
I didn’t go to the funeral, I didn’t say goodbye…he couldn’t be dead. He was the love of my life, he was the guy I would’ve married if I hadn’t met my husband first. I didn’t want to place his thoughts out of my heart, I could not see ‘him’ buried under the earth, I couldn’t look his family in the eye, knowing that I had helped ‘him’ get to this point. We had many nights of long drug use, alcohol abuse. I know his Mother knew about it but I just couldn’t bring it to the surface with her. I just wanted to scream, cry, stomp my feet but none of that ever came.
So I sit here now and think, “I miss him.”