I’ve mentioned before that I don’t drive, I thought maybe I would go into that a little more, maybe I need to explain it myself or maybe I just need to talk about it or maybe I’m bored and am looking for a topic this morning and chose this one. My reasons for not driving aren’t as simple as lost my license or too many DWI’s or no car but I have to dig much deeper into my past for the reasons and I know to live in the past isn’t healthy but for one reason or another the memories associated with driving aren’t good and I haven’t learned yet to overcome them. I’m not quite sure if overcoming them will ever be in my future or if I’ll always be plagued with the ‘not driving syndrome’.
Normal children get excited at turning 15 & 8 months and learning the pleasures of freedom, excited to learn to drive. I on the other hand had my excitement stripped out of me. Let me explain a bit, when I was of learning to drive age I lived in VA and the parent’s got to choose whether or not you took drivers ed or health class for six weeks, my mother wouldn’t approve of drivers ed for me and my father just nodded and agreed when ever possible with her because it made everyones life a lot easier, except for mine. But I don’t blame him for that, I know he had no other choice in the matter. So I never took drivers ed and my father thought it would ne great if he could teach me and we’d figure out the rest later. Maybe if she could see how well I could do and how responsible I could be with a car, she would change her mind. Except her no had nothing to do with responsiblity with a car or how well I could drive, her no was because she wanted me shelled away so no one else except for her could come in contact and love or treasure me. So I couldn’t see how life was really suppose to be about adventure and experiences, about success and sometimes failure, no my life was suppose to only include her whether she showed love or hate towards me.
So my Dad and I went to a school parking lot and he handed me the keys, said “Lets see what you can do pumpkin!” Okay don’t ask but that was his affection towards me, I was either pumpkin or turtle and honestly I didn’t care. I showed my Dad what I could do, I could drive, I could stop for a stop sign appropriately, I could park and I could answer any question he had, I only needed to work on parallel parking and hey who doesn’t! Getting home I knew when we walked through the door and the look my mother gave us, me especially we were in for a long ride so to speak for the night. “But she’s REALLY good!” I heard my Dad saying later in the night while I was pretending to sleep in my room, I pretended to sleep a lot when I was younger, it was just more peaceful then being awake. To save you from reading a lot of mumbo jumbo, I never went out driving with my Dad again. It was forbidden, as a matter of fact my Dad and I really weren’t allow to go anywhere together and that all boiled down to jealousy and control. My mother hated me from the start because I was the daughter, I was the female that took my Dad’s attention from her or so she thought of that. I have heard my Dad say so many times to my mother over all these years, “But she’s my daughter, Kathy. I love her no matter what.”
So that was my first experience when it came to driving. My second experience I was much older, and no longer a child, I was pregnant with my first born son and was in an emotional abusive relationship. It was whatever day of the week because I wouldn’t really know since whatever day of the week was the day we would be out with all our friends driving around tripping, getting stoned and drunk. Not myself though so I was always the designated driver, HA with no license. We knew the roads no cops would be on and well we lived out in the middle of nowhere so there were no cops. One evening just like any other evening we were out but this time I was driving through a residential neighborhood because I knew this shortcut to where we needed to be. I was pretty far along in my pregnancy, about 8 months and I’m not sure how it happened really but I hit a parked car that was parked out on the street and I hit that thing so hard that it slammed into the car parked in front of it and that one went into the one in front of it. I was stunned. Everyone in the back seats jumped out of the vehicle to survey the damage and my ‘boyfriend’ was screaming at me so loud, oh so loud but I couldn’t understand or comprehend what he or anyone else was saying or doing. Finally my brain snapped to and I yelled everyone get back in here now or else you’re going to get left here and I started driving away, well I started after I made sure I wasn’t leaving anyone behind. I parked at a near by McDonalds and could finally hear everything the ‘boyfriend’ was saying. “What are you a stupid bitch? How could you drive into something that was clearly parked? No wonder you don’t have a license!” I jumped out of the vehicle right after I parked to run to the bathroom and everyone but him ran after me and wanted to make sure I was alright, see I didn’t leave them behind and they all knew I wouldn’t have but he would’ve. So I’m in the women’s bathroom with all these guys. LOL! And they were all telling me how horrible they felt about him, he had no right to treat me like this but I had to understand that they couldn’t do anything about him. And I knew that. Two weeks later I had my son. And I never got behind the wheel of a car again! Just being a passenger gives me panic attacks.
I know there are more stories I could tell you about cars, vehicles and me but these two are the ones that always stand out in my head, these two are the ones I will always remember. So that’s it, I have no license, I hate being in any type of vehicle, and I’m starting to feel trapped because of this. I don’t know where to go from here and I don’t know if I will ever beable to drive. I want to pass down the ability to ALL of my children though, that I know for sure.